If you look at the news these days, you’re not going to find many stories that deal with anything positive. There’s a viral outbreak, riots in the streets, and people are dying; it’s not good.
So, why not forget about the bad crap that happened this week, and focus more on the ridiculous headlines the media has hit people with?
These ten stories may cover serious stuff, but reading the headlines will probably make most readers LOL when they see their headlines, which are presented in no particular order.
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10 ‘Monkeys Snatch COVID-19 Blood Samples After Attacking Lab Worker In India’
Most people who only know monkeys from seeing them at zoos may not realize how brazenly unafraid they can be of humans in populated areas like Uttar Pradesh, India. It’s common for monkeys to run up to people and steal things, and while their most common interest is food, they have been known to take everything from cameras and hats to sunglasses and knives. Essentially, whatever they can get their fingers on is fair game, and apparently, that includes vials of blood.
A group of monkeys ran up to a laboratory technician at Meerut Medical College and stole some vials of blood, which was taken from four COVID-19 patients undergoing treatment. Fortunately, researchers were able to recover the samples, which didn’t show any signs of being broken, so increased spread from the incident remains unlikely. The only real fallout surrounding the incident was that the blood samples had to be taken once more. Other than that, this silly headline didn’t make for the first stage of a “Planet of the Apes” scenario, so in the end, it’s a lot funnier than it is serious.[1]
9 ‘Three Boys Hospitalized After Trying To Gain Spider-Man Superpowers From A Spider Bite’
Typically, when someone reads about the daring adventures everyone’s Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man, they don’t think to themselves, ‘That looks like something I could do!’ Sadly, there’s always someone who thinks the opposite, and for three Bolivian boys, they thought they could speed things along by taking their superhero interest to the nearest source: a Black Widow spider. The three young men found the spider and began poking at it with a stick, hoping it would take a little bite. Unfortunately, it worked, and all three were bitten.
Instead of being able to do whatever a spider can, the young men were all found by their mother, crying on the ground. Black Widow spiders may not grant superpowers to people, but they do come with an intense amount of pain. The boys were rushed to the hospital, where they were treated and released. Fortunately, bites like these rarely result in serious complications, but death can occur in rare circumstances. For most people, bites cause “nausea, profuse sweating, severe pain in abdomen and back, muscle aches, hypertension, and paralysis of the diaphragm, which can cause difficulty in breathing.”[2]
8 ‘Man’s Attempt To Reheat Food On Packed Flight Leaves Passengers Baffled’
It’s not uncommon for people to take along snacks, or even a spare meal on a long haul flight, but a recent story revolves around someone doing something truly strange on a flight this week. One passenger brought along a tasty slice of pizza, and while there are plenty of people who can enjoy a slice that isn’t heated up, this passenger wasn’t one of those people. Instead of eating the slice at room temperature, the passenger wanted theirs heated up, but instead of asking a flight attendant to throw it into a microwave, they tried their own thing.
A picture of the event was posted to a Passenger Shaming Instagram account with the caption, “Just warming up some leftovers” alongside a picture of a man holding his slice of pizza up to the cabin light above his seat. He was actually trying to heat his pizza slice by a tiny LED, and apparently, he was serious about getting it done. Comments on the picture included gems like, “You can’t fix stupid” and “That’s an LED light. It doesn’t put out heat,” but the best comment was likely the most honest: “I’m disgusted, but it could definitely be worse.”[3]
7 ‘Man Drinks Liter Of Lemon Juice In Under 17 Seconds For World Record’
Somewhere, at the exact moment you’re reading this sentence, someone is trying to break a world record. Doing so comes with fame and fortune, so it makes sense that it’s happening all the time, and while some records are for serious achievements, many involve doing tasks more appropriately described as stunts. This week included one man’s goal to consume an entire liter of lemon juice in less than 17 seconds because, apparently, that’s a thing people needed to do to see their name in print.
Now, this is lemon juice, not lemonade, so it’s one of the sourest liquids a person can drink straight. David Rush managed the feat by drinking a liter of the bitter juice in 16.53 seconds, which beat the previous record of 17.12 seconds. Rush has personally broken 100 Guinness World Records over the years, but he doesn’t do it for his benefit. His purpose is to promote STEM education… somehow, and he isn’t likely to stop anytime soon. According to Rush, the record-breaking attempt had him vomit the juice as soon as he finished, and it also left him feeling stomach discomfort throughout the day.[4]
6 ‘Car, Illicit Barbecue Found Hidden Under Camouflage Material’
Sometimes, a criminal will go to incredible lengths to hide their illicit activity, but there’s usually something they forget, and that’s what does them in. For Al Capone, it was his income taxes, and for a resident of the Studland, Dorset area, it was the smell of delicious food. A British police department literally uncovered a car and illegal stove, which were cleverly enshrouded in camouflage netting, which is often used by the military to conceal vehicles, tents, and other equipment from aerial observation.
The police department wrote about their find in an Instagram post, where they wrote, “A busy morning down in Studland. We found an innovative vehicle disguise on Ferry Road today. It wasn’t the camouflage that made us stop, but the stove cooking breakfast that we could smell whilst driving by.” It was a bold attempt, but the illicit activity was discovered and taken care of by the members of the Purbeck Police Department. The use of camo netting to conceal the car wasn’t the biggest problem the police had with what they found, as it is against the law to use barbecues or other fires in the protected area.[5]
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5 ‘Wife Fumes As Husband Plans To Give Unborn Baby ‘stupidest Name Ever”
The Internet has gifted the world with a lot of things over the years, but one that seems pervasive in most western societies is the penchant for coming up with strange baby names. Everyone wants to be unique, so a simple “Michael” or “Rebecca” won’t cut it anymore. There have been stories about people naming their kid “Adolf Hitler” and “Audio Science,”[6] but those are just the tip of the iceberg that is weird baby names found online. For a couple with only a few months left in their pregnancy, their weird baby name is a math reference.
On the one hand, it makes sense, seeing as the husband and his parents are math geniuses, but that doesn’t excuse the choice he made. He wants to name his son Cube. “Like a Rubik Cube,” said his wife. “I thought he was joking, but he was serious.” The story broke first on Reddit, which is where the expecting mother took the name to see if people agreed with her belief that it was the “stupidest name ever,” or with her husband, who insisted it was “cute.” Reddit agreed with her and comments including “LOL who names their kid cube, what a block head” followed.[7]
4 ‘Man’s Carbonara ‘Monstrosity’ Is So Bad Italians Are Left’ Weeping”
Thanks to the Internet, people can post pictures of everything they make in the kitchen, and occasionally, a celebrity chef such as Gordon Ramsey will belittle people to no end. It’s fun, and it can be helpful in serious cases, where a person is truly passionate about their cooking. A fellow calling himself “Steven S” recently posted a picture of his now-infamous carbonara to the Facebook group Rate My Plate to see what others thought of his pride and joy. The people didn’t hold back in decrying it one of the vilest plates of so-called “food” they had ever seen.
If you’re unfamiliar with the dish, one commenter cleared it up by saying that “Carbonara is generally comprised of pancetta, egg yolks, heavy cream, garlic, and plenty of freshly ground black pepper.” [Editor’s note: he’s wrong. Real carbonara is made from raw eggs, hot cooking water, parmesan cheese, and pepper; no garlic and no cream.] That’s not what Steven S provided. His plate comprised of spaghetti from a can, a slice of American Cheese, and some sliced-up pieces of hot dogs. The comments were far from complimentary, with one user writing, “Now that my friend is one of the worse things I have seen on this page. I wonder what you had to drink with it—a nice glass of vinegar? That’s a bit like wine, isn’t it?”[8]
3 ‘Knocking On Florida Couple’s Door Were Two Alligators Fighting’
When we hear knocking at our door and aren’t expecting someone, most of us assume it’s someone trying to sell us something. It can be annoying to head to the door, only to find someone you don’t want to talk to smiling while trying to hock magazine subscriptions, or something far worse, Girl Scout Cookies… but that’s only because they are irresistible and require many trips to the gym. Still, any of those options would be preferable to what showed up on one couple’s doorstep in Florida this week.
Sue and Joe Geshel of Fort Myers heard someone knocking on their door, and because they weren’t expecting visitors, they took a look at who it might be before opening the door. That was definitely the right move because after knocking turned into pounding, a quick glance outside revealed two full-grown alligators fighting one another for territory. That’s not something any human should ever interrupt by opening the door they were fighting up against. Fortunately, nothing bad came of the visit other than an initial fright, and the two reptiles concluded their business, having departed after about 20 minutes.[9]
2 ‘India: Officials Claim Pakistan’ Spy’ Pigeon Captured’
The conflict between India and Pakistan has been going on for decades, and the issue of Kashmir’s ownership will likely be around for a long time. Border skirmishes aren’t entirely uncommon, and each side has accused the other of inappropriate behavior since the border was first drawn. While this headline is arguably funny, it’s nonetheless quite serious. Pigeons have been used as message carriers for more than 3,000 years, so the claim made by India may not be as far-fetched as it appears on the surface.
The accused “spy” pigeon was captured by villagers in Manyara, which is along the Pakistan-controllers border region of Kashmir. The bird was carrying a message, which India believes is coded and sent by Pakistan, though whether or not that’s true remains unknown. Kathua Police’s senior superintendent Shailendra Mishra said, “Some called it a coded message. In Pakistan’s Punjab, people tie number tags on pigeons to claim ownership.” Carrier Pigeons have been used in the past to threaten Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, so it’s not out of the range of possibility that the pigeon is being used for espionage.[10]
1 ‘Pair Hired For Man’s Broom Sexual Fantasy Turn Up In Bedroom At Wrong Address With Machetes’
You may have heard stories about people setting up various adult fantasies through sites like Craigslist, and usually, the stories surrounding these incidents are little more than a humorous anecdote. Imagine setting up a specific fetish fantasy, and the people you were expecting to show up didn’t. Instead, imagine they showed up at 6:15 am at another address. Now, imagine you were at that address, and you woke up to find two men standing inside your bedroom with machetes, and you’ll be in the same shoes as a fellow in Sydney, Australia.
The whole thing was just a mix-up, and the two men snuck into the wrong bedroom to carry out a stranger’s sexual fantasy, which involved being tied up in his underwear and stroked with a broom. Apparently, it’s a real fetish, and had they showed up at the correct bedroom, the world would never have heard the story, but that’s not how it went down. While the resident did call the police, he only did so after the men left, having apologized with a firm handshake. Both men were ultimately acquitted of the charge, thanks to the communications proving it was a simple mistake.[11]
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