Another week has gone by, and 2020 still feels like the longest year in the history of mankind. Be that as it may, life does go on, and fortunately, so does the news, which isn’t all bad.
People are still doing stupid stuff all the time, and every so often, a news story comes out that is absolutely ridiculous. These ten stories happened last week, and with any luck, they should bring a smile to your face as a reprieve from all the real stuff going on around us.
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10 ‘Doctors Extract Cellphone Charger From Man’s Urinary Bladder After He Complains Of Stomach Pain’
There was an episode of Seinfeld in which Kramer said, “You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. *Plant* yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.” He may have been right about proctologists, but it seems urologists may also have stories to tell at parties. A 30-year-old gentleman from Guwahati, India, gave his doctors something to talk about when he went into the hospital for pain in his abdomen. Inside, they found a phone charging cable, but it didn’t get in there the way the patient said it did.
He claimed that he “mistakenly” ate it, but after performing surgery to remove the cable, it was clear that it couldn’t have gotten into his bladder by going in the traditional way. He didn’t eat it… He didn’t shove it where the sun don’t shine either; he slowly and methodically pushed it into his urethra for sexual gratification. The senior consultant surgeon on his case described it as “a type of masturbation called urethral sounding, which is the insertion of an object or liquid into the urethra.” Ultimately, his doctors performed surgery to remove it but had he initially told them the truth, the surgery would have been unnecessary.[1]
9 ‘Man Attempts Huge Swimming Pool Stunt For 30th Birthday—But Gets It Spectacularly Wrong’
Dimitry Prigorodov decided to rent a cottage for the entire weekend to celebrate his 30th birthday in grand fashion. He invited all of his closest friends and family members to stay at the cottage for his weekend celebration, and the cottage was particularly posh. It had an indoor swimming pool, which was framed from a second story overlook ringed with a small glass wall, making it into an observation platform, and while that makes for a lovely addition to the home, it also presented a challenge.
As the party was ramping up, Prigorodov decided he needed to pull off an incredible stunt to impress his guests. He went to the second floor and opted to leap over the glass wall and dive into the pool, but it didn’t go according to plan. Instead of making it over the wall, he rammed straight through it, sending glass into the pool below. “It was my birthday, and I rented a cottage to celebrate. We were celebrating and drinking alcohol. It seemed to us that we could try and jump in principle. The result was sad: torn ligaments, the left leg does not work, the hand is the same… I’ve had two operations and had a badly bruised chest.”[2]
8 ‘Firefighters Fish Stranded Cow Out Of River In England’
It’s common for firefighters all around the world to come to the rescue of all kinds of animals, and while they are stereotypically shown taking cats out of trees, the reality is, they aren’t limited to pets. Sometimes, they have to deal with much larger animals… a cow, for instance. This week, emergency responders in Britain’s Avon Fire and Rescue had to come to the rescue of a cow at the Kenston Park side of the Avon River. The cow was grazing alongside the river but managed to somehow fall into the water, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t pull herself out.
The water rescue team was made up of firefighters from the Bath, and Keynsham Fire Stations made their way onto the water in a boat and used special safety equipment to help the cow to the shoreline, where they managed to haul it out of the water. In their Twitter post about the rescue, Avon Fire & Rescue Service Control noted that the cow “is udderly milking it and the crews are not amoosed!!”[3] Their joke may not have landed, but the rescue was a success, and the cow went about her business unharmed from the ordeal.[4]
7 “Curious’ Young Boy Inserted 20 Magnetic Balls Up His Penis—And Didn’t Tell Parents’
A few years back, a fun new desktop toy hit the market called Buckyballs. They were magnetic chrome spheres about 3 to 5 mm in diameter and were marketed as a fun new fidgeting device. You could make shapes with them, like them together in chains, and otherwise entertain yourself, but they proved to be incredibly dangerous for children. The problem revolved around ingesting the small magnets, which could lead to perforations in the bowel when they “found” others, so they were slapped with warning labels, and many stores stopped selling them.
Unfortunately, for an 11-year-old child from Dongguan in South China, there was another way to harm oneself with the toys. Curious about the balls, he opted to shove 20 of them into his penis, and he didn’t tell his parents. He suffered from pain and blood in his urine for a week before finally going to a hospital, where they discovered the magnetic spheres in his bladder. Fortunately, a minimally invasive surgical procedure recovered the spheres from his bladder, and he shouldn’t suffer any permanent harm from the ordeal. Apparently, penile insertion is relatively common in children aged “five to six, and ten to thirteen,” so keep that in mind if your kid starts complaining about lower abdominal pain.[5]
6 ‘Scottish Rail Service Interrupted By Boar On The Tracks’
Back in the days when trains were the primary means of transportation in countries like the United States, the engine was often fitted with a device called the pilot. These devices were typically referred to as a “cow plow,” and they were used to deflect obstacles on the track. While going slowly, they would push cattle away from the track without harming them, and the train could go about its business until the next animal came along. Pilots aren’t used any longer, and for the most part, they aren’t needed, as cattle rarely find themselves on train tracks.
This week, the line between Glasgow Central and Larkhall in Scotland was blocked by an animal on the tracks, and in this instance, it was a wild boar. The incident was posted on the ScotRail Twitter page, “There’s a pig (yes, you read that right) on the line at Wishaw,” later clarifying that “the beast involved is, in fact, a wild boar.” The boar was safely moved off the tracks, and rail service was able to resume. A boar wouldn’t have been a problem if there were a pilot on the front of the train, but without such a device, all rail services were ground to a halt.[6]
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5 ‘Man Breaks His 150th Guinness Record By Drinking Lime Juice’
Last week, Idaho resident David Rush broke a world record by downing a liter of lemon juice in under 17 seconds, but he wasn’t finished with his important work. This week, Rush continued in his quest to break every crazy record he could find by downing a liter of lime juice in record-breaking time. His impressive consumption time for the insanely sour liquid came in at 17.29 seconds, beating the previous record of 21.81 seconds.
Rush is on a mission to break as many records as possible to promote STEM education, but he’s going to take some time off from rapidly drinking sour liquids due to the toll it takes on his digestive system. “I think I’m done with drinking records for a while and will see if I can’t find some more physically active ones that get my blood flowing instead of making me sit around all day after. My sister-in-law also told me I had to stop doing this since I was going to damage my stomach lining (she’s a nurse practitioner, and I feel like maybe I should listen to her, or my body which agrees).”[7]
4 ‘Wandering Alligator Wrangled In Walmart Parking Lot’
These days, it seems nothing is out of the ordinary in the state of Florida. While most news from the Sunshine State deals with a so-called “Florida Man” doing something insanely stupid, more happens than whatever the next moron opts to get caught doing. Florida is home to a wide array of impressive wildlife, and the alligator is one such species that often finds itself in odd places, where people wouldn’t want to see or run into a large carnivorous reptile. Last week, the story was about two alligators fighting it out against a couple’s front door, and this week, the setting for alligator fun was a Walmart parking lot.
One of the large, toothy beasts was found walking about in a Fort Myers Beach Walmart parking lot, so there were plenty of people around to take pictures and video while authorities were called to deal with the alligator. It took a little doing, but they managed to wrangle the animal into a shopping cart.[8] The ultimate fate of the gator is unknown, but it was likely returned to the nearest body of water, as that’s the usual practice when dealing with wandering gators. It happens far more often than most Floridians would prefer.[9]
3 ‘Traumatised Brits Say American Woman’s Cup Of Tea Attempt Should Be ‘illegal”
Last week, Italians were sent reeling to the Internet to complain about one man’s “attempt” at making Carbonara, but this week, it’s all about tea. The British are well-known experts when it comes to the warm beverage, so when someone butchers the tea-making process, it doesn’t take long for the Internet to explode with rage and frustration. This week, Brits are fuming about an American woman living in the UK, who posted a detailed account of how she prepared what she calls “British Tea.” If you’re British, read the next bit with caution!
In her video, she explains that a previous video of how she made iced tea received questions about how she might “make hot tea or British tea.” She first heats a mug of water in the microwave for one minute, which is followed by adding half a cup of milk. This is followed with a teabag, a large helping of sugar, and a hearty stir. The video was shared on TikTok and featured comments from Brits, which included things like “I’m British and QUAKING” as well as “I’m sort of triggered. Why so much sugar? I just died for a minute.”[10]
2 ‘Girl, 4, Hilariously Leaves Dad In Hot Water After Finding’ woman’s Bra’ In Car’
There’s a saying that kids say the darndest things, and if you’ve had a kid or been around one lately, you know it’s absolutely correct. Children don’t possess the filter we gain later in life, so they will say whatever pops into their heads. While this is most often adorable, it can lead to some serious problems if left unchecked. This week a Tweet[11] from the past made headlines as one man learned that his four-year-old daughter’s filter wasn’t as developed as he hoped when she discovered a bra in her father’s car.
The young lady brought it up with her mother, when she asked, “Mummy, why is your bra in Daddy’s car?” This was returned with a “killer side-eye” look from the gentleman’s wife, which made him freak out and become defensive. He protested that he was innocent of all charges, asking what she was talking about, and the little girl confirmed, “Ya huh, cup thing with straps.” It turned out, the little girl had mistaken a facemask for a brassiere, and while the father was undoubtedly relieved, his wife may have thought to herself that ‘the gentleman doth protest too much, methinks.’[12]
1 ‘Woman Attempts To Rescue Uncooperative Squirrel From Pool’
It seems cows aren’t the only critters to find their way into bodies of water they shouldn’t swim in, which was something a woman from Lumberton, Texas learned the hard way this week. While checking out her kid’s inflatable pool, she found a squirrel trapped in the water, unable to get out. Seeing the little guy struggling, she opted to do the noble thing, and help it out of the water, but like most people, she wanted to make sure the squirrel didn’t touch her, so she planned to be cautious, and rescue the little guy as humanely as possible.
She picked up a chair and tried to scoop the squirrel out of the water with it, all the while claiming, “I’m trying to save you!” The squirrel did what squirrels do, and dodged the strange object being thrust at it, but eventually, she scooped it up. A fraction of a second before it’s about to hit dry land, the squirrel leapt off the chair onto the woman, climbing up her body. The ensuing panic resulted in the squirrel’s return to the pool, and some scratches on the lady’s arm. Ultimately, “a cautious second attempt” resulted in the squirrel’s safe removal from the water. Fortunately, the ordeal was captured on video in a hilarious, and now-viral “how not to” approach to rodent extraction.[13]
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