“Medicine” is defined as “the science and art dealing with the maintenance of health and the prevention, alleviation, or cure of disease.” But what is it called when intended “medicines” accidentally end up causing disease and detracting from your overall state of well-being? Ironically, “poison” perhaps. Let’s look at 10 such documented examples in human medical history.

Today, doctors use Botox and collagen to rejuvenate faces. They also use silicone inserts to enhance breast size. But the history of wrinkle reduction and breast implants actually starts much earlier than people realize. The first recorded attempts at wrinkle removal and artificial breast enhancement were carried out prior to the 1900s. The procedure involved injecting paraffin wax directly into the wrinkled area to smooth it out, or directly into the breast to increase its volume. But the practice quickly fell out of favor for good reason. Harsh infections were a common side effect of this primitive technique. It also caused the formation of hard, painful lumps known as paraffinomas. So in an effort to enhance the woman’s breasts, the procedure actually left them hard, misshaped, and more unattractive.

Psychedelics like lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) and MDMA (ecstasy) have a complicated history of being used as potential treatments for mental illness that dates back to the early 20th century. Researchers studied LSD therapy in the 1950s and 1960s. They published numerous clinical papers and tested more than 40,000 patients. The problem they found, with using psychedelics to treat mental health problems, is their potential to actually cause psychiatric disorders. LSD can trigger panic attacks or feelings of extreme anxiety, colloquially referred to as a “bad trip”. Therefore, people with such conditions as schizophrenia and depression can actually worsen with LSD. There are also cases of LSD inducing a psychosis in people who appeared to be healthy before taking LSD. In most cases, the psychosis-like reaction is of short duration, but in other cases it was chronic. The psychiatric drugs can in fact trigger latent mental conditions that would not have manifested otherwise. Not surprisingly, the Controlled Substances Act of 1970 prohibited the drug’s medical use.

In case you needed a reminder that really bad ideas for cures don’t have to come from thousands of years ago, let me remind you of radium water (radioactive water). Advertisements that touted preparing radioactive drinking water at home were common promotions for radiation therapy around 1913. Maybe the reason this bad idea didn’t show up until the 20th century was because we didn’t know about radioactivity until then. But once we discovered it, we sure did move fast. The makers of a whole variety of radioactive cures insisted that the high-energy water could cure everything from arthritis to high blood pressure to acne. Unfortunately, side effects like cancer, loss of hair and teeth, decaying bones, and fatigue, (all the symptoms of radiation poisoning) also went hand in hand with this “miracle cure.” Luckily, radium is now understood to be a serious health hazard.

In the early 1900s, John Brinkley became one of the richest doctors in America, despite having no medical qualifications. He claimed he could cure impotence, infertility, and other sexual problems by surgically implanting goat testicles into a man’s scrotum. The surgery had no scientific merit and was extremely dangerous. Perhaps the craziest part is how he convinced so many patients to go along with it, and pay handsomely as well. In 1913, at his newly opened 16-room clinic, Brinkley began to perform countless operations he claimed would restore male virility and fertility through implanting the testicular glands of goats in his male patients at a cost of $750 per operation ($8,600 in current value). Not surprisingly, the ill-conceived procedure actually caused impotence and hormonal problems. Dozens of patients died and many others suffered horrible infections.

Arsenic may be a well-known poison, but for centuries it was used as a medicine. In traditional Chinese medicine, arsenic is known as Pi Shuang. Arsenic was also a key ingredient in many patent medicines, including Fowler’s Solution, a purported cure for malaria and syphilis in use from the late 18th century until the 1950s. Another arsenic-containing patent medicine, Donovan’s Solution, was used to treat arthritis and diabetes. Victorian women also used arsenic as a cosmetic. The problem with all these treatments was of course, the arsenic poisoning. Arsenic can kill humans quickly if consumed in large amounts. Small but long-term exposure can lead to a much slower death or other illness. For example, studies have linked prolonged arsenic exposure to cancer, diabetes and liver disease.

In ancient Egypt, the contraceptive of choice was crocodile dung. Dried dung was inserted into the vagina, the idea being that it would soften as it reached body temperature to form an impenetrable barrier. There are countless other examples throughout history of dung being used for medicinal purposes. In addition to the Egyptians, certain African cultures used elephant dung as a contraceptive, apparently following the crocodile dung theme. In 17th-century England, doctors advised chicken dung as a cure for baldness. In India, cosmetics and potions laced with cow dung have been as cures for everything from cancer to acne. A make-it-yourself remedy to ease a sore throat once included the ingredient graecum (which is dried dog dung), as written in the book “The Popularization of Medicine, 1650-1850.” The problem with using dung as a medicine is its tendency to harbor bacteria, which in turn actually causes a large variety of diseases. In fact, contamination of water with fecal matter in developing countries causes an estimated 1.8 million deaths per year.

Famed cure for syphilis, indigestion, old age and almost everything else, mercury was once the most popular medicinal metal. Maybe it was the hypnotic allure of the flowing silver-colored liquid that made it such a hot commodity; the metal found its way into the bloodstreams of some very important people, including Abraham Lincoln, whose fits of rage may have resulted from the mercury in a then-popular blue pill, and the first emperor of China, Qin Shi Huang, who likely died from the mercury-laden pills that he thought would grant him immortality. Once you’ve got mercury in your bloodstream, good luck getting rid of it. The neurotoxic element accumulates over multiple doses. At its worst, mercury poisoning can cause paralysis, insanity, loss of motor control, ulcerations, neurological damage, and death. So in other words, the exact opposite of anti-aging medicine, as it was once considered.

During the 19th Century dieting became big business. Advertising was becoming more and more sophisticated, with more and more diet products being peddled. Not for the squeamish, in the early 1900s the tapeworm diet started to be advertised. Dieters would swallow beef tapeworm cysts, usually in the form of a pill. The theory was that the tapeworms would reach maturity in the intestines and absorb food. This could cause weight loss, along with diarrhea and vomiting. Once a person reached their desired weight they then took an anti-parasitic pill which, they hoped, would kill off the tapeworms. The dieter would then have to excrete the tapeworm, which could cause abdominal and rectal complications. It was risky in many ways. Not only can a tapeworm grow up to 30 feet (9m) in length, they can also cause many illnesses including headaches, eye problems, meningitis, epilepsy and dementia (not the side effects you’re looking for when simply trying to slim down).

The troubling myth that someone infected with an STD can transfer the disease by having sex with a virgin, thus curing themselves, dates back to at least the 16th Century, when the practice was first documented in relation to syphilis and gonorrhea in Europe. The myth continues in some parts of Africa. Needless to say, this treatment accomplishes the exact opposite of its intended purpose. Having intentionally unprotected intercourse will spread STD’s at an alarming rate, not cure them, as the myth would suggest.

Across medieval Europe and the Middle East, corpses were ground into powder and used as medicine. This “mummy powder” was thought to cure many common ailments, such as headaches, coughs, and stomach ulcers. Ironically, it was also used as an antidote for poisoning. 17th-century French surgeon Ambrose Pere helped drive a stake through the heart of the mummy powder craze when he wrote that “not only does this wretched drug do no good, but it causes great pain to the stomach, gives foul-smelling breath, and brings on serious vomiting.” Not to mention the potential diseases that may be lurking in an ancient mummified corpse.

Bonus: Perhaps nothing was wackier than Sir Kenelm Digby’s “Powder of Sympathy.” The powder was intended as a treatment for a very specific injury: sword wounds. It was made of earthworms, pigs’ brains, iron oxide (rust), and bits of mummified corpses, ground into a powder. But here’s the catch, the powder was applied not to the wound itself but to the offending weapon. Digby thought that the strange concoction would somehow encourage the wound itself to heal via a process called “sympathetic magic.”

Ross works as a patent agent and is a long time Listverse fan.

We like to imagine that we learn from our tragedies—that when the worst moment comes, people change their ways and start working together to make things right.

But sometimes, even after the catastrophe is over, the tragedy continues. People get swept up in the havoc and chaos of the moment and do things that make history’s worst moments even worse. And in the aftermath, some of our darkest moments are left with details too bleak to make it into the history books.

10 Tiananmen Massacre
China Billed The Victims For The Bullets

In 1989, after the death of the controversial figure Hu Yaobang, Chinese students marched out to Tiananmen Square and tried to force real change in China. They made a list of demands and led a hunger strike, hoping to bring an end to corruption and forge the first steps toward democracy.

All that came to an end, though, when the army marched in. Soldiers and tanks advanced on Tiananmen Square, right in the heart of Beijing. At least 300 people were gunned down by their own government, with some estimates putting that number as high as 2,700.

Usually, the story ends there—but there’s an extra little detail that makes it that much worse. After the massacre, some sources reported that the government billed the victims’ families for the cost of the bullets. The families of the protesters were charged the equivalent of 27 cents for each bullet used to kill their children.

The Chinese government has never admitted to it. But we know for a fact that they charged other dissidents for the bullets that killed them. There’s a lot of reason to believe that the reports are true that the government did it here, too.

9 My Lai Massacre
Nixon Pardoned The Man Responsible

The worst incident in the Vietnam War was the My Lai Massacre. In 1968, American soldiers slaughtered more than 350 unarmed civilians in South Vietnam. They gang-raped women, mutilated children—and met absolutely no consequences.

Of everyone involved, only one soldier was actually charged: William Calley. The courts found Calley guilty of killing 22 innocent people and sentenced him to life in prison.

He never actually served the time, though. Instead, they just put him on house arrest, and he didn’t do that for very long. Calley hung around at home for three years and then got a full presidential pardon from Richard Nixon.

That doesn’t mean that everyone got off easy. One person suffered: Hugh Thompson. He was the man who reported the massacre and testified against the people who did it.

Thompson risked his life trying to save as many Vietnamese people as he could from his own men. He was rewarded for his bravery and heroism with death threats. People left mutilated animals on his porch each morning, and he suffered PTSD for the rest of his life.

8 Pompeii
A Nearby Town Got So Hot That People’s Heads Exploded

The destruction of Pompeii is one of the most infamous natural disasters in history. An entire city was leveled under a sea of volcanic ash that killed thousands.

Compared to the people in Herculaneum, though, Pompeii got off easy. After the volcano erupted in AD 79, a witness described the scene: “A fearful black cloud, bent by forked and quivering bursts of flames, . . . sank down to the earth and covered the sea.”

That black cloud hit Herculaneum and covered the whole city. It was incredibly hot—over 500 degrees Celsius (932 °F). It burned the tops of buildings off completely and then touched on the people below. At such incredible temperatures, their teeth cracked, their skin burned off, and their bones turned black. Then their heads literally exploded.

7 9/11
Fallout Led To More Cancer And Car Crashes

On September 11, 2001, when the planes flew into the twin towers in New York City, 2,996 innocent lives were brought to an end. It was a horrible moment and the worst terrorist attack on US soil. Over the next few years, though, that death toll would become even higher.

People were so afraid of flying after 9/11 that airline use went down by 20 percent. As a result, a lot more people were going greater distances in cars instead—which is a lot more dangerous. In the 12 months following the attacks, an estimated 1,595 more Americans died in car accidents because they were afraid to fly on planes.

Worse, though, was the increase in cancer. The twin towers were built with 400 tons of asbestos, which spread through the city when the towers collapsed. That cloud of asbestos affected an estimated 410,000 people, and cancer in New York City has spiked because of it.

The responders suffered the worst. About 70 percent of the recovery personnel who helped on that day now suffer from lung problems. Approximately 1,400 responders died in the 10 years after the tragedy. Another 1,140 responders have developed cancer since that tragic day.

6 The Irish Potato Famine
Queen Victoria Forbade People From Donating Too Much

When the people of Ireland started to starve from the Irish Potato Famine, Abdul Medjid Khan, the sultan of the Ottoman Empire, wanted to help. In 1847, he prepared ships full of food and offered to send Ireland £10,000 to help them through the crisis.

British diplomats, though, ordered him not to. British royal protocol, they explained, said that no one should contribute more than Queen Victoria herself. At their order, the sultan reduced his donation to only £1,000 instead.

The Irish were thrilled with his donation anyway. They called the donation an “act of regal munificence” and said, “For the first time, a Mohammedan sovereign, representing multitudinous Islam populations, manifests spontaneously a warm sympathy with a Christian nation.”

The sultan, though, may have revealed a little regret at the compromise when he wrote back, “I would have done all in my power to relieve their wants.”

5 Black Death
The Plague Led To A Jewish Genocide

The Black Death wiped out between 75 and 200 million people in the mid-1300s. It killed an estimated one-third of the population of Europe. It was a terrible tragedy—and like most tragedies, Europe dealt with it by blaming the Jews.

Many Europeans believed that the plague was a Jewish conspiracy. According to the story, the Jews had gone around the country poisoning wells to make good Christian people suffer. At first, it was a conspiracy theory. Then the Inquisition rounded up Jewish people and tortured them until they agreed to say they’d done it. Then it was, in the eyes of the people, a full-blown fact.

Mobs rose up and dragged people out into the streets. Jewish babies were pulled from their parents. Whole communities of people were tied to stakes and burned alive. In one case, more than 2,000 people were incinerated at once.

The Black Death, of course, was not a Jewish conspiracy. It affected Jews and Gentiles alike. That didn’t save anyone, though. In the city of Strasbourg, it became law that no Jew should enter the city for 100 years.

4 Hurricane Katrina
A Neighboring Town Turned Away Refugees At Gunpoint

When Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans in 2005, countless people lost their homes. In a desperate bid for survival, people fled to neighboring towns for safety. The police of New Orleans helped them, pointing the way to the bridge that led to the town of Gretna.

But instead of a welcoming party, these people found a barricade on the bridge. Four police cruisers blocked the lanes, and eight officers were waiting for the refugees with shotguns. They yelled, “We don’t want another Superdome!” and chased the people off. According to some reports, the officers even stole the refugees’ food and water before chasing them away.

Arthur Lawson, the Gretna chief of police, didn’t even deny it. He confirmed that he sealed off the bridge, saying, “There was no place for them to come on our side.”

3 Wounded Knee
20 Soldiers Were Given Medals Of Honor

In 1890, US troops attacked an innocent Lakota camp. Most of the people were unarmed, but the troops ran as many down as possible, slaughtering approximately 200 innocent men, women, and children. It was an outrage, and the men who did it were murderers. And for doing it, 20 of them were given Medals of Honor.

More people were given awards for the Wounded Knee Massacre than for most real battles. The government actually wanted to give out 25, but a man named General Miles fought it, calling it “an insult to the memory of the dead.” Even with his protests, they still handed out 20.

One man, Sergeant Toy, was cited “for bravery displayed while shooting hostile Indians.” In the full report, though, it was made clear that he shot Native Americans who were running away. Another man, Lieutenant Garlington, was awarded for blocking off the escape of fleeing victims. He forced them to hide a ravine, and Lieutenant Gresham was awarded for going into that ravine to kill the victims.

At least one Medal of Honor recipient seems to have felt the guilt of what he did. Two years later, Sergeant Loyd killed himself just a few days before the anniversary of the massacre. For his part at Wounded Knee, he had been given the Medal of Honor for “bravery.”

2 The Great Fire Of London
The Town Hanged A Mentally Handicapped Man

Robert Hubert was described as “not well in the mind” by everyone who knew him. He was very likely mentally handicapped or at least mentally ill. He could barely speak a word of English, and his limbs were constricted by palsy. But despite all that, he was hanged for firebombing London in 1666.

Hubert wasn’t actually in London when the fire happened. He showed up two days later and walked around repeating the word “Yes!” In 1666, that was enough evidence to a form a lynch mob, drag him off the streets, and pull him into the police station.

There, he was interrogated until he said “Yes!” that he’d been paid a shilling by a Frenchman to burn down London. He changed his story every time he told it, but they hanged him anyway.

Fifteen years later, the captain of the ship that took Hubert to London finally stepped forward and told everyone that Hubert wasn’t even in London during the Great Fire. By then, though, it was far too late.

1 The Titanic
They Billed The Families Of The Victims

The White Star Line was nothing if not frugal. Due to a clause worked into their contracts, every employee aboard the ship was fired the second that the Titanic began to sink. The company would not, after all, pay wages for employees who were wasting their time drowning.

Afterward, the families of the dead were informed that they would have to pay the freight cost if they wanted their loved ones’ bodies. Most couldn’t afford it, of course, and so today, many of those who died have memorials instead of graves.

Things were far worse for the musicians. The band who heroically played on while the ship sank were completely abandoned. They were registered as independent contractors, which meant that White Star Line legally didn’t have to do anything for them. The other crew members’ families got survivor benefits, but the families of the band didn’t get a penny.

That doesn’t mean they got nothing, though. The families of the band were sent one memento: a bill for the cost of the uniforms.

Doctors and physicians are seen as miracle workers as they continue to figure out new ways to treat patients. They can cure many of the diseases we face today, but today’s treatments have come a long way from those that were once used on patients. Ancient treatments for diseases and illnesses could be painful, stressful, and uncomfortable and would cause more trouble than the disease itself. Sometimes, they would even result in death.

Thankfully, the medical field has excelled over the past years and no longer puts their patients through these horrifying procedures. Here are ten treatments that were arguably worse than the disease that they were trying to cure.

10 Bloodletting

Bloodletting was once one of the most common procedures used for many problems, including headaches and fevers. Thousands of years ago, a doctor would use instruments such as a lancet or even a sharpened piece of wood to open a patient’s vein, allowing the blood to flow out into a receptacle. Bloodletting was commonly used because doctors believed that illnesses and diseases stemmed from an overabundance of blood in the system.^[1]

Physicians had a theory that in order for a person to be in good health, there would need to be a balance of the four humors, known as fire, earth, water, and air—and more commonly known as blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile. By draining a certain amount of blood from the body, these four humors could be once again balanced and lead the patient to better health and life.

Sometimes, if the patient was lucky enough, leeches would be used for the bloodletting instead of cutting into a vein. When the leech is applied to the skin, it is able to suck several times its own body weight in blood from the patient. The use of leeches started to decline after 1850.

9 Hydrotherapy

Hydrotherapy was used to help treat mental illness at many institutions at the beginning of the 20th century. It was believed that water would be an effective treatment because when heated or cooled, it could be applied to the skin, producing different reactions throughout the body.^[2] This isn’t just a relaxing dip into the hot tub or a quick swim at the pool, though.

Some of the treatments were harmless and consisted of continuous warm or cold baths. That doesn’t sound so bad, right? Those baths could sometimes last for hours, though—or days. These continuous baths were usually held in small rooms with little or no light or audio stimulation. They also used packs that consisted of sheets dipped in different temperatures of water, which would be wrapped around the patient, sometimes for hours.

Hydrotherapy is now a more relaxing form of treatment and is used to relieve pain, improve blood circulation, and promote relaxation. Underwater exercises and massages are the most typical forms of hydrotherapy used today, and the patient will usually be assisted by a physical therapist—much better service than what patients once received.

8 Urine Therapy

Drinking your own urine may sound gross and unsanitary, but some people believe that it is a form of alternative medicine. Urine therapy refers to different medicinal practices such as the drinking of one’s own urine or massaging urine into the skin.

The therapy was popularized by British naturopath John W. Armstrong. He was inspired by his family’s practice of treating various ailments with urine, including toothaches and minor stings. Proponents of the treatment claim that urine contains the antibodies necessary to help the body fight off many diseases, but there have been no thorough scientific studies to back up these claims.^[3]

7 Mercury Treatment

Mercury is widely known to be a potentially poisonous metal, but it was once used as a common elixir and topical medication. The Persians and Greeks used it because they considered it to be a useful ointment, and Chinese alchemists used liquid mercury and red mercury sulfide to increase lifespan and vitality. Some healers even believed that it would give their patients the ability to walk on water and gain eternal life.

Mercury was also used as a popular medicine to cure sexually transmitted diseases like syphilis. Sometimes, it was said and proven that the mercury was a successful treatment for syphilis, but often, patients would die from kidney and liver damage from the mercury in their bodies.^[4] Mercury is no longer readily available and is currently regulated in the United States.

6 Insulin Shock

Insulin shock, also known as insulin coma therapy, was one of the first successful treatments for schizophrenia. These treatments were known to be unpleasant and very dangerous for the patient. Insulin was first used to reduce anxiety, nervousness, tremors, vomiting, and weight loss, but when given in larger doses, the patient would enter a state of unconsciousness and become less hostile and less aggressive afterward.

Insulin was used on schizophrenia patients because after they became unconsciousness or went into a coma, the psychotic thoughts would begin to disappear. It was said that recollections of thoughts and anxieties were reduced because of the therapy, and patients would appear calmer and less worried about hallucinations.^[5]

5 Moldy Bread

Think twice before throwing out that moldy bread. Various cultures used mold, soils, and plants to treat many bacterial infections. Moldy bread was pressed against wounds in ancient Serbia, China, and Greece to help prevent infection. The crust of moldy bread would be pressed against scalp infections in Egypt and was dispensed for its curative properties. These remedies were believed to influence the spirit that was responsible for the illness.^[6]

The use of moldy bread is considered to be one of the first and rawest forms of antibiotic use to fight a disease. Although we don’t eat moldy bread, the raw form of antibiotics growing on them is what was known to help the patient.

4 Lobotomy

A lobotomy is a surgical procedure in which nerve pathways in a lobe of the brain are severed from those in other areas. It was once a disturbing treatment used to treat patients who suffered from schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and other mental illnesses. The results began to show some promising improvements, but there were also those who failed to improve and those whose health trended downward. The use of lobotomy was criticized heavily when the practice first reached the United States, but it would later be accepted and looked at as a miracle procedure.

American Neurologist Walter Jackson Freeman II replaced the procedure with transorbital lobotomy. A transorbital lobotomy consisted of something that resembled an ice pick being forced through the back of the eye socket, piercing the bone that separates the socket from the frontal lobe. The pick would then be used to sever the connections in the brain. Lobotomies would soon be replaced by less stressful and more effective forms of treatments, like antidepressants, antipsychotics, and other medications.^[7]

3 Hemiglossectomy

A glossectomy is known as the procedure of removing one’s tongue, but a hemiglossectomy is the removal of only part of the tongue.^[8] Hemiglossectomy was a historic treatment to improve stuttering and speech impediments. A German surgeon, Johann Frederich Dieffenbach, cut patients’ tongues down in size until this method was eventually deemed illegal after many people died from him performing the procedure.

Having part of the tongue removed seems more like punishment instead of treatment, especially for a patient already dealing with stuttering problems. Speech therapy is now the most common treatment used to help patients with stuttering problems. It is much safer and more effective.

2 Electroconvulsive Therapy

Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is also known as shock therapy. ECT is the treatment of psychiatric disorders through the use of electric current to induce shock to the patient’s brain. ECT was introduced in the 1930s and was predominantly used to treat depression. Two electrodes would be placed over the temples, sending alternating currents through the head. The current causes an immediate cessation of consciousness and induces a convulsive seizure. The ECT treatments would be given three times a week over a period lasting anywhere from two to six weeks. More disturbed patients could receive the treatment two or three times in a single day. ^[9]

With the development of new medications, ECT started to see a decline in the 1960s. In the 1970s, however, ECT began to be used more. Treatment delivery methods were improved, increased comfort measures were given, and there was better management of enhanced anesthesia. ECT is still considered one of the best treatments for mental illnesses, but it is only given to patients who fail to respond to the many medications that are now available.

1 Trephination

Trephination may very well be one of the worst treatments to have ever been performed on a patient. The process involved the surgical drilling of a hole into the human skull, exposing the layers surrounding the brain. It doesn’t get much more horrifying than that. Why do this? In ancient times, drilling a hole into the head was believed to release any evil spirits the person may have had. They also believed that this process possibly helped headaches, infections, convulsions, and fractures.

In the earliest forms of trephination, the holes were made by scraping the bone away with a sharp stone or other obect. Primitive drilling tools were later invented and were able to drill small, round holes, and then the piece of bone would be removed. The introduction of mechanical drilling and sawing instruments would occur in the late medieval period, which allowed for easier ways to create the hole.^[10]

Trephination is still used today for epidural and subdural hematomas. It also allows for certain neurosurgical procedures such as intracranial pressure monitoring or a craniotomy. The tools used for the process now are much less traumatic and can be less stressful on the patient.

I’m just another bearded guy trying to write myself through life.

Industrialists are honest about one benefit of war: it tends to drive innovation. But so does peace. The following ten inventions were all to that end, or at least to minimizing carnage. 

It’s not their fault they tended to make things much worse.

10. The United Nations

Formed as the League of Nations after WWI, the UN was meant to end war. It formally began in 1945, just months after the end of WWII. By 1947, however, amid the East-West Conflict, it was clear it wasn’t up to the job. The “peace-loving major powers” of a supposedly united planet were now too busy arguing over who got what from the spoils of WWII. Constructive committee meetings were impossible and the UN’s growth, including that of its all-important Security Council, was stunted from the very beginning.

Nowadays, things are no better. Clearly. In fact, they’re arguably worse as corruption has become institutionalized. For one thing, Security Council members misuse foreign aid as a way to buy votes. Poor, nonpermanent member states receive as much as $45 million extra from the United States alone in important years. But this isn’t the only reason why most resolutions are unanimously passed. Another is that, where support is doubtful, invasions aren’t put to a vote. This was the case with the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

But it’s not just corruption that cripples the UN’s alleged intentions. It’s also impotence. There are generally no consequences whatsoever for violating Security Council resolutions.

9. International language

War is all God’s fault according to the Bible. Seeing us all working together on the Tower of Babel, he was appalled and came down to step in. “Look,” he said, “they are one people, and they have all one language, and this is only the beginning of what they will do; nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language there, so that they will not understand one another’s speech.” Henceforth (according to Christians and Jews, but not, interestingly, Muslims), humanity was at odds with each other. What if we could undo God’s mischief and restore some basic common ground? An international language may help to bring us together. After all, language is more than just a manner of speaking – it also guides our worldview. 

Esperanto is one of the more prominent attempts at a “language of international peace”. Devised by the villainous-sounding Doktoro Esperanto (aka Ludwig Lazarus Zamenhof) in 1887, it draws primarily on the Latin-based (i.e. Romance) languages of Europe – complete with a 28-letter Latin alphabet. As a result, it’s easy for many Westerners to learn. With its simple, intuitive grammar and cultural flexibility, it’s also straightforward for others to learn. And, as an added bonus, studying Esperanto before other languages helps to accelerate the process.

By 1915, following an uptake in the Russian Empire, then Europe, North and South America, China, and Japan, the Iranian delegate to the League of Nations proposed that Esperanto be adopted by the body. Everyone agreed too… except for France, whose snooty delegate single-handedly voted against. After that, Esperanto speakers (or Esperantists) drew persecution from the Nazis, Spanish fascists, and the Soviet Union – all of whom correctly saw the language as a threat to their nationalism. In Hitler’s case, it didn’t help that Esperanto’s inventor was Jewish; the paranoid Fuhrer imagined it must be part of a conspiracy.

8. Satellites

Konstantin Tsiolkovsky was not called the “father of astronautics” for nothing. Not only is he credited with calculating escape velocity, he also invented multi-stage rockets to get there, as well as steerable rocket engines, airlocks, satellites, space stations, and closed-cycle biological systems to sustain human space colonies. 

Without leaving the planet himself, Tsiolkovsky even anticipated the ‘overview effect’ whereby astronauts looking down on our lonely blue marble are struck by its beauty, fragility, and its absence of borders. This, he believed, would eliminate war. Immediately. Writing in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, he thought 2017 would see the first human space flight as well as world peace. Life aboard satellites would, he thought, would be utopian: unlimited solar energy; artificial temperature regulation (so no need for clothing, beds, or quilts); no heavy labour thanks to zero gravity; no resource disparity (so no social classes), and so on.

What he didn’t foresee (apart from the decades-earlier first human space flight) was the utility of satellites for war. While they still haven’t been used as weapons per se – thanks to the increasingly precarious Outer Space Treaty – they’re routinely used for reconnaissance. And it’s really just a matter of time before they’re mounted with lasers and worse.

Speaking of which…

7. Laser weapons

Laser weapons weren’t meant to end war, but they were meant to make it less deadly by significantly cutting down on the human and environmental costs. Unlike conventional weapons, lasers are precisely accurate and minimize collateral damage. Traveling at the speed of light, they’re also capable of stopping incoming missiles no matter how fast they’re traveling – and lasers themselves can’t be intercepted.

However, they’re also much cheaper. Whereas defensive missiles cost $1-10 million each, lasers are $1-10 per shot. Hence they’re rapidly becoming widespread – in addition to conventional weapons. And, worryingly, they can reliably do something that other weapons cannot: blind soldiers. This was the reason they were originally banned by international treaty.

6. Teleforce

In a lengthy piece for Liberty magazine in February 1935 — “A Machine to End War” — Nikola Tesla said he once thought, “like other inventors,” that “war could be stopped by making it more destructive.” But he realized he was wrong. Also a eugenicist, he believed it would take more than a century to “breed out” man’s “combative instinct.” Instead, his solution was to level the battlefield and give each nation equal and insuperable defence. He called it the Teleforce.

Although it would take a lot of power, he said, it would form a protective field — destroying any approaching hostilities, “men or machines,” within a radius of 200 miles. He described it as “a wall of power … against any effective aggression,” and theorized that if no country could successfully attack another war would simply fizzle out. Although he was tight-lipped about how this invention worked, he said that it wasn’t by “death rays.” Instead, the Teleforce projected particles with “trillions of times more energy than is possible with rays of any kind.” He also imagined it would greatly improve television, removing all limits to the “intensity of illumination, the size of the picture, or distance of projection.

Despite the reverence netizens have for him nowadays, Tesla was often mistaken. He believed, for example, that by 2035 the Secretary of Hygiene or Physical Culture would be more important in Washington than the Secretary of War. And while he’s yet to be proven wrong, with 12 years to go it’s looking unlikely. Even if his Teleforce was actually built, it’s obvious how it would have been abused — to kill immigrants, for example (which, to be honest, Tesla probably would have supported, hoping as he did for global eugenics by 2100 to sterilize “the criminal and the insane.”)

5. Gay bomb

Surprisingly, the Pentagon had a plan to make the least deadly, most peace-loving bomb in the world. As recently as 1994, under Bill Clinton, the Department of Defense thought about deploying aphrodisiacs on the battlefield to make enemy troops drop their weapons, then their pants, and start banging. According to declassified documents, the sudden and widespread homosexual behavior would cause a “distasteful but completely non-lethal” drop in enemy morale. 

If this relatively benign weapon seems out of character for the US, remember that its enemies were the fairly orthodox Muslims whose oil they wanted. So, with its “gay bomb,” the sadism was very much there; it was just psycho-spiritual instead of physical.

Still, had they actually followed through with the Sunshine Project, war might have been different today. Another plan was to release the smells of farts or bad breath among enemy troops. But this “Who? Me?” bomb as it was called had been considered since 1945. And it wouldn’t be suitable for many invasions, as, according to the researchers, “people in many areas of the world do not find faecal odor offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis.”

4. Drones

Telechirics (from the Greek words for ‘distance’, tele, and ‘hand’, kheir) are remote technologies allowing manipulation from a distance while providing a safety buffer between operators and dangerous jobs. Applications include space and ocean exploration, exposure to nuclear radiation, firefighting, mining, and war. Writing in New Scientist in 1964, engineer John W. Clark, apparently pre-empting Avatar, described consciousness being “transferred to an invulnerable mechanical body.”

Although that’s not so much a way to end war, it does represent a way to minimize its cost in human life. Unfortunately, however, it’s not that simple in practice. Because of the economic disparity in most international conflicts, drones are only used by one side, and therefore not against drones but people. The result is a less dignified, more shameful, but much easier way to wage war — exclusively available to wealthy invaders. In fact, ever since their first deployment in Afghanistan just after 9/11, drone attacks have become so routine they’re hardly even reported on any more.

3. Nuclear weapons

In the past it was thought that bigger, more destructive weapons would ultimately discourage warfare. Clearly they were wrong. But it didn’t stop them building what remains the most destructive to date. The Nazis came up with the plan, but the US liked it so much they brought the scientists to work in America. A little while later, President Truman became the first (and hopefully last) to drop it on civilians.

Of course, the flaw in the nukes-for-peace idea was putting them in the hands of the least peaceful people on the planet. The bloodthirsty Truman hopped straight from nuking Japan to waging war against communists. The rest is history. Nuclear warheads proliferated in Russia to balance the threat of the US, and neither side has ever stopped since – which in turn has forced other states to follow.

Has this led to a more peaceful world? Well, no. It’s true there hasn’t been a World War III yet, but the nuclear powers themselves continue to invade other countries.

2. Submarines

Narcis Monturiol, the Spanish inventor of the modern submarine, thought it would put an end to war. A feminist, communist, and utopian revolutionary, he was hiding from authorities at the time — holed up in a village on the coast. There, he was enchanted by the coral people dove for, which were sold as decorations for the home. He thought of the divers as being on a quest for the magical “new continent” beneath the waves — and was therefore deeply troubled when one of his new heroes drowned. 

So he got to work inventing something to make their lives easier. With the help of a master shipwright, as well as a designer, his submarine resembled a wine barrel (which happened to be his father’s trade) with its double olive wood and copper hulls tapered at the ends. 23 feet long, the pedal-powered craft was also equipped with “appendages for gathering coral.” He called it Ictíneo, a word he made up from the Greek for ‘fish’ (icthyus) and ‘boat’ (neus).

Dives up to 60 feet deep lasting several hours were successful and Monturiol was awed by the experience, writing: “The silence that accompanies the dive…; the gradual absence of sunlight; the great mass of water, which sight pierces with difficulty; the pallor that light gives to the faces; the lessening movement in the Ictíneo; the fish that pass before the portholes—all this contributes to the excitement of the imaginative faculties.”

He wasn’t even put off when a freighter crashed into the sub while it was docked in Barcelona, destroying it. Immediately, he set to work on Ictíneo II — which was larger and powered by steam engine. Unfortunately, in his pursuit of investment (which he needed just to feed himself, let alone build more submarines), the pacifist Monturiol courted the interest of military powers and even offered to install cannons on the subs. But nobody was interested — at least until the Nazis.

1. Manned aircraft

The first manned flight was not by the Wright brothers but a “Brazilian homosexual dandy” called Alberto Santos Dumont (who was, incidentally, also the first to fly a balloon around the Eiffel Tower in a set time and to wear a Cartier watch). Whereas the Wright brothers’ secretive “flight” was just catapulted gliding, Dumont’s 220-meter journey was verified by a panel of judges.

Already despondent after the Wright brothers stole his glory, Dumont was further pushed into despair by the military use of manned flight. He’d imagined the prospect of aircraft dropping bombs would discourage nations from fighting. But he was wrong.

In 1932, wracked with guilt after seeing them in action, he returned to his hotel room in Brazil and, having told the elevator man he’d “made a big mistake”, unceremoniously hanged himself. And that was long before the nuking of Japan.

Medical science has come a long way in the last century, but even with all our advancements we’ve hardly scratched the surface in understanding the wonder that is the human body. The procedures and treatments used today will be replaced with better techniques in the future, and maybe some treatments that we consider normal will look just as crazy in the 23rd century as these old medical techniques do to us now.

10. Smoke in a Sensitive Place

If lives needed to be saved in the 17^th and 18^th centuries, people relied on a technique which was thought to cure pretty much every disease under the sun. It was called a tobacco smoke enema, and it involved blowing smoke exactly where you’d expect an enema to go. It was believed that a struggling respiratory system could be kick-started by warming it up with tobacco smoke.

Respiratory kits that included rubber tubing and bellows were sold, and it was later diversified as a cure to pretty much anything from the common cold to cholera to swimmers saved from drowning. The key was the nicotine, which acted as a stimulant to the adrenal glands that in turn produced adrenalin. The kits were discontinued when the idea of them having any healing properties were debunked in the early 19^th century, when scientists began to discover the harmful effects that tobacco had on the heart and lungs.

9. Heroin

Heroin, one of the most addictive and illegal substances in the world, was once marketed by Bayer as a cough remedy. It was believed that heroin was less addictive than morphine, from which it was synthetically created. The test subjects said the drug made them feel “heroic,” thus the name. The drug was seen as a miracle cure for tuberculosis, but the addictiveness of the drug saw hospitals being crammed with patients addicted to heroin. By 1913 Bayer decided to stop making it, and heroin slowly developed a very different reputation.

8. Shock Therapy

In the 1800s some scientists believed that electricity possessed healing properties, and a simple jolt of electricity was considered a miracle cure-all. Of all the areas it could be applied, a man’s genitals were considered to be the most effective. It was wrongly believed that masturbation was the cause of impotency in men, and the cure for it was thought to be a jolt of electricity directly onto the junk. Electrotherapeutic devices were sold as cures for sexual inadequacy, and these devices were advertised with the promise of bringing youth and vigor back into a man. Thankfully, these issues can now be resolved with pills instead of torture techniques scaled back for civilian use.

7. Moldy Bread and Dung

Ancient Egypt had a well-oiled medical system, but they were limited by the knowledge of their time. Doctors performed medical and spiritual healing on patients to cure them from their diseases and protect them from evil spirits. Medicines and ointments were derived from nature, but the contents probably disgusted the people forced to take them.

Everything from lizard blood to moldy bread was considered a potential medicine. Have a toothache? A dead mouse paste was thought to ease the pain, while moldy bread was used as disinfectant. But the most disgusting medicine of all has to be the dung remedy. Donkey, fly and even human excrement was thought to possess healing properties, while Egyptian contraceptives consisted of dried crocodile dung that was inserted into the vagina. At least it wasn’t electrified first.

6. Morphine Syrup

Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup was a 19^th century concoction for children and infants. The syrup was marketed as a remedy to restlessness, especially during teething. The company claimed to have formulated the syrup while keeping in mind the safety of the most vulnerable members of the family.

Except in 1910 The New York Times ran an article pointing out the dangerous ingredients the syrup contained. The many eyebrow raising chemicals included morphine and alcohol, and while that might sound like a good time to some adults, the wrong dose could easily harm a child.

5. Lobotomies

Mental illnesses were treated poorly as late as the mid-20^th century. In the 1940s, lobotomies were a popular cure for mental illness — surgeons drilled a hole in the skull to get access to the brain and remove a part of it. A physician named Walter Freeman devised a faster yet even more horrifying procedure that involved shoving an ice pick into the corner of the eye while the patient lay unconscious. The surgeries produced at best limited results, and at worst resulted in tragedy that left the patient mentally crippled.

4. Mercury

Mercury is renowned for its toxicity today, but centuries ago this liquid silver element fascinated people so much that it was believed to be the elixir of life. The ancient Greeks used it as an ointment and antiseptic against wounds and scratches, while the ancient Chinese believed that consuming mercury could prolong your life. Emperor Qin Shi Huang became one of mercury’s most famous victims when he consumed the element on the recommendation of his doctors.

Even in the early 20^th century, mercury was used to cure STDs such as syphilis prior to the introduction of penicillin. Doctors prescribed heavy dosages of mercury based ointments, which promptly created their own problems. Consuming mercury can cause everything from tooth loss to organ failure to permanent damage to the nervous system and even death.

3. Hot Irons in a Sensitive Place

Hemorrhoid surgeries aren’t fun, but thanks to modern anesthetics patients can get through the entire ordeal without feeling any pain. But back in medieval times, sufferers of hemorrhoids had to either sit on a curved stone once sat on by St. Fiacre, a saint associated with healing powers, or get a hot iron rod rammed all the way up where the sun don’t shine by a monk. Neither method was effective, but at least the rock sounds scenic.

2. Vibration

Many women own at least one vibrator, but pleasure wasn’t the reason they were invented. Back in the day it was believed that women had little to no sexual desire, and this belief left women frustrated and complaining of sleepless nights, nervousness, irritability and other symptoms that now get joked about by stand-up comedians. Their frustration was misinterpreted as hysteria, the cure for which was first a doctor applying oil to the vagina and massaging it with their fingers, and later the application of a vibrator. These massages of course gave women orgasms and relief from “hysteria,” but doctors called them “hysterical paroxysms.” At the time it was widely thought that women had no orgasms, and go ahead and insert your own joke here.

1. Trepanation

Trepanation, the oldest form of surgery known to man, is basically a fancy word for drilling a hole into the skull without anesthetic. Trepanation dates back to the days of stone tools and good old fashioned cave living — archaeological evidence dates trepanation back to the early Mesolithic era, and there is also evidence of the Incas and Aztecs practicing it.

The procedure leaned more towards mysticism then medicine, as the hole in the head was believed to release evil spirits trapped inside the body. Over the years trepanation found its way to Europe, where it was believed to be a potential cure to migraines, seizures and even insanity (although they must have been some pretty nasty migraines to make that cure worth it). As primitive as it may sound, there’s evidence that most patients survived the procedure and lived on. Even today the procedure has its uses, albeit only for very specific operations and in a much safer form.