The future is now, and the machines have made their way into our lives. Throughout history, human beings have sought to complement their lifestyles and accomplish their tasks using a variety of technologies, beginning with simple, rudimentary stone tools and leading up to the elaborate robotics of today (and tomorrow). So it’s really no surprise that sex robots are actually starting to make their way onto the world stage.

In a way, sex robots are just animated sex dolls. But is there more to a “sexbot” than just movement that animates the old-fashioned blow-up doll? Some say there is. Truth be told, these machines have become rather intricate, and as time goes on, they reflect the human beings they’re designed after more and more. Will sex dolls ever be able to fool us into believing they’re actual humans someday? Time will tell. From what we know now, and what we can predict, here are ten interesting facts about the rise of sex robots.

10 What Is A Digisexual?

“Digisexual” is a term that’s slowly gaining popularity and seeks to describe someone who’s more attracted to technological forms of sexuality than other people. This can include actual sex robots, but it also encompasses people who have a preference for other forms of technologically assisted sex over relations with other humans.^[1] Experts have suggested that digisexual people are gaining in numbers and will eventually make up a very large portion of the population. Some even predict that by the year 2030, most people will have virtual reality sex in their homes, analogous to how most people view pornography online today.

In a very real way, there are already a lot of digisexual people out there, by these definitions. One of the side effects of pornography addiction is a lack of preference or an inability to perform with human partners, preferring pornography to real, live human beings. Could these people be considered some of the first digisexuals? Will the day come when what we today call pornography addiction is normalized as a sexual preference? We’ll see.

9 Evolution

Believe it or not, it has also been predicted that as soon as 2025, upper-income households are going to have sex robots in the home. They’ll be common, albeit expensive, commodities. Even more surprising than this is the proposal that by 2050, there will actually be more people having sex with machines than with other human beings.^[2] Our sex lives will become largely mechanized, and researchers theorize that this will result in an increasing compartmentalization of sex versus actual relationships; people will begin to separate these two elements of their lives.

The fact is that we will somehow culturally evolve to these drastic changes, just as we’ve evolved to utilize our smartphones in our daily lives, but what sort of changes will come about is just guesswork as of now.

8 Robot Love

In the future, marriage to robots could become commonplace. A few people believe that marriage to robots already exists today. In an unusual case of man-to-object marriage, a Japanese man named Akihiko Kondo believes that he is actually married to a robot (of sorts). He’s in love with a 3-D hologram. Much to his dismay, the rest of the world doesn’t see eye-to-eye with his marriage.^[3] He serves as a strong advocate for the right to marry a robot or hologram and says proudly that he obtains from his hologram what he could never from a woman.

Kondo emphasizes interesting points, such as the fact that a bot cannot age or die, that his hologram will never cheat, and he’ll always have exactly what he wants, no matter how bizarre it may seem to us today. Love between humans and robots has already made its appearance on the world stage, apparently, and we can likely expect to see more of it.

7 Sexual Identity

Considering the roles that sexual expression and sexual identity play in our world today, it’s likely that people will soon find virtual sex or intercourse with sexbots a significant part of their sexual identity in the near future. This is actually starting to happen in obscurity in our modern world. There has already been a documented case of at least perceived discrimination, with the above-mentioned Akihiko Kondo saying on record that he believes he has been discriminated against by those who’ve criticized his choice to have a relationship with a hologram. He feels this largely because people haven’t recognized his marriage as legitimate.^[4]

As sexbots slowly creep into our world more and more, we’re going to have to have some major social discussions concerning the rights of both people and robots, how they interplay, and what it means to be digisexual. Is digisexuality a real thing, and should we recognize a person’s right to fall in love with a machine?

6 Marriage

In December 2016, a conference called Sex and Love With Robots was held in London, and there, experts explained that, in their belief, marriage with robots would be legalized by 2050.^[5] In many countries in the world today, homosexuality is still an illegal practice, but in more recent times, some nations, including the United States, have legalized same-sex marriage. All the same, many people in the US still remember a time when homosexual marriage was completely unthinkable.

The first same-sex marriage didn’t occur in the US until May 17, 2004. Will we see a time when human-to-robot marriages will also be legalized in the United States and other nations? Quite possibly, say the experts.

5 Warmth

Beyond the social ramifications of the inevitable future of the rise of sex robots are the actual bots themselves. One vital aspect of robot relations is the mimicry of human relations—trying to get sex with the robot to resemble sex with a human as much as possible. Physical warmth is a particular part of human touch which manufacturers have sought to mimic in the robots they create.^[6]

People have used electronic warming gloves, blankets, and clothing to escape the bitter cold of winter months and remain comfortable. Seeing as the human body rests comfortably above room temperature, the robots, if they’re to resemble the human experience at all, must also be warmed, and sexbot creators have looked toward these very products, such as warming gloves, to create innovative ways to give their products the capability of temperature self-regulation—with quite a bit of success. Whether this is realistic enough to be convincing is a whole other question altogether, but researchers and manufacturers will definitely try.

4 Sensors

The robots will also be touch-responsive, much like the screens of our smartphones and tablets, and will actually “sense” when human hands are upon them. This is to create a stimulus response so that it seems like the human user is interacting with a conscious entity, though this is not the case.

TouchYou is the name of one of the proprietary technologies that fall under the branch of “smart skin,” which essentially functions like a touch screen.^[7] The goal of smart skin is to allow the robot to, at least in appearance, “feel” their users, which raises some interesting questions pertaining to what it means for a robot to actually “feel,” a person’s touch. Does the sexbot actually feel? Or is this just an input response, not unlike the use of a stylus on a personal computer? At what point will the robots be said to actually “feel” their user’s touch?

3 Personality

One major aspect of sex robots that differentiates them from sex dolls is personality—and personality is given a lot of thought when it comes to the construction and design of a sex robot, and users and potential customers alike have a lot to say about this. There is one sexbot that’s in production now, Harmony 2.0, which speaks with a Scottish accent and has 18 traits programmed into the machine’s “personality,” which can range from sexy or shy, mimicking an actual human mood.^[8] This particular sexbot can actually talk and respond to human interaction, touch, and speech, much like our smartphones respond to the input from our thumbs and speech whenever we browse or talk to Siri.

Matt McMullen is the creator and CEO of Abyss Creations, the sexbot manufacturer which creates these types of machines, and he’s on record as saying that he wants the user to to be able to experience the robot’s personality as much as possible: “I want to have people actually develop an emotional attachment to not only the robot but the actual character behind it, to develop some kind of love for this being.” Could sexbots be a driving force in the development artificial intelligence or even in reaching the singularity where AI equals or surpasses human intelligence and leads to massive technological advancement? Time will tell.

2 Money

Sex robots don’t come cheap these days, but their costs are projected to plummet in the future as they gain in popularity and begin to catch on. The high cost of sexbots has given birth to a new type of business that’s much more affordable, albeit one that may be off-putting or disgusting for some: sexbot brothels.^[9] Spreading across the world are sex doll and sexbot “brothels,” where one can go in and actually rent a sex robot for about $150 an hour. This means, of course, that someone has to spend all day cleaning the robots or toys in between clients, but if you’re comfortable using a machine that someone else had just used, it might be your thing.

We can only assume that as the market expands, so, too, will the budding enterprise of sexbot brothels. Who knows what the future of such establishments could look like, perhaps housing a hybrid of virtual reality and machine love.

1 Artificial Intelligence

Artificial intelligence is and will remain a very touchy subject for years to come. Many questions will arise about manufacturers claiming to imbue their bots with supposed AI, as some claim. Some academics and others have gone into a seeming panic, claiming that sex dolls with artificial intelligence should be outright banned by law, fearing the worst.^[10]

At current, the so-called “smart sex dolls” are really just glorified computers merged into a traditional sex doll, far from gaining any sort of sentience. These machines may well mimic human behaviors, at least some rudimentary ones and in a poor fashion, but they’re a far cry from gaining any sort of consciousness or the ability to adapt and learn from their environment to the point of gaining any sort of real independence from the user who owns them.

The fact is that it has been hotly debated as to what exactly will be the final straw when we can proclaim that a machine is actually sentient. Most corporations involved in the field agree that “augmented intelligence,” is the primary goal, augmenting machines with human intelligence to create a hybrid, rather than creating intelligent, thinking, “conscious,” machines. This means that sexbots can be programmed with a variety of stimulus-response traits, but them being actual living creatures is probably a long way off.

The Victorian era left us feeling like sex scandals are a new thing. But our ancient ancestors actually put us to shame when it came to high-profile immorality. Their sex scandals were often interlaced with conspiracy, murder, and executions—raising the stakes for powerful ancients caught in compromising positions.

10Randy Egyptian Judges

Around 1155 BC, Pharaoh Rameses III of Egypt was murdered in a conspiracy led by his wife, Tiye. His successor Rameses IV set up a commission of 12 judges to investigate the plot. The judges discovered that Tiye’s conspiracy had included numerous court officials and concubines, all of whom were put to death.

However, the trial itself was soon disrupted by a sex scandal when it was revealed that three of the judges had been seduced by women linked to the conspiracy. According to the ancient trial records, “the women . . . found [the judges] where they were. They had a fine party down there with them.”

Of the three judges involved, May had his nose and ears cut off while Pabes “was punished by leaving him [to himself]. He took his own life.” Hori was only reprimanded, probably because he testified against Pabes and May.

9A Dark Temple And A Dog Mask

During the reign of Tiberius, Rome was rocked by a particularly strange sex scandal. According to Josephus, a nobleman named Decius Mundus had the hots for a married woman named Paulina. He even offered her 200,000 drachmas to spend the night with him, but the respectable Paulina refused.

Decius wasn’t going to give up that easily. He knew that Paulina was a devoted follower of the Egyptian gods. So he bribed the priests of Isis to tell Paulina that the god Anubis wished to appear to her. Paulina obligingly came to the temple at night, where Decius was disguised as the dogheaded Anubis.

In the darkness, Paulina apparently bought that Decius was Anubis and “performed a night-long service for him.” A few days later, Decius told her the truth, bragging that he had saved 200,000 drachmas. Horrified, Paulina complained to the emperor. The priests were crucified, and the Temple of Isis was burned down. But Decius was only exiled.

8The Scandal That Ended A Country

In ancient China, a notorious sex scandal destroyed the state of Chen. According to the Commentary of Zuo, the married Xia Ji was having affairs with Duke Ling of Chen and two of his ministers, who frequently wore her underwear under their clothes. All three openly bragged about the relationship, which enraged Xia Ji’s son Xia Zengshu.

In 599 BC, the three men were drunkenly partying at Xia Ji’s house when Xia Zengshu appeared. Duke Ling turned to one of his ministers and joked that the young man looked suspiciously like the minister. “He also looks like you,” the minister joked back. At which point, Xia Zengshu snapped and murdered the duke.

In the chaos, the two ministers escaped and fled to King Zhuang of Chu, who used the incident as an excuse to conquer Chen. Xia Zengshu was executed, and all China learned a valuable lesson about “your mom” jokes.

7The Crush That Destroyed A Tyrant

The brothers Hippias and Hipparchus became co-tyrants of Athens after their father died in 527 BC. But trouble broke out when Hipparchus became infatuated with the handsome youth Harmodius. Of course, in ancient Greece, this was no scandal. What was shocking was that Harmodius was already in a relationship with a man named Aristogiton; Hipparchus was trying to use his power to split up the couple and become Harmodius’s new lover.

With no other options, Aristogiton and Harmodius decided to go out in a blaze of glory. During the crowded Panathenaea festival, they approached Hipparchus and stabbed him to death. The tyrant’s guards cut down Harmodius, while Aristogiton was tortured and executed. The Athenians later erected a statue of the lovers, honoring their blow against tyranny.

6The King Who Wanted People To Ogle His Wife

Candaules was king of Lydia, a powerful kingdom in what is now western Turkey. According to Herodotus, Candaules was a bit of a creep who was always bragging about his hot wife. In 718 BC, he asked his bodyguard, Gyges, if he wanted to see the queen naked.

Gyges sensibly declined. But Candaules insisted, telling Gyges to hide behind the door of their bedroom so that he could watch the queen get undressed. Unfortunately, she spotted Gyges. And she was furious.

Learning what her husband had done, she gave Gyges a choice: Kill Candaules and marry her, or she would publicly accuse Gyges of spying on her, forcing Candaules to execute Gyges. Unsurprisingly, Gyges chose the first option. That night, Candaules entered the bedroom and was stabbed to death by Gyges—who had been hiding behind the door again.

5China’s Fake Eunuch Scandal

An unusual scandal broke out early in the reign of Qin Shi Huang, who would become the first emperor of all of China. His mother, Queen Zhao, had a long-term affair with the minister, Lu Buwei. However, it was difficult for Lu Buwei to sneakily visit the queen, who became sexually unsatisfied.

So the pair tracked down a man named Lao Ai, who was known for his huge penis. (His party trick was putting a wheel on it like an axle.) After Lao Ai agreed to become the queen’s lover, Lu Buwei faked Lao Ai’s castration and plucked out his hair and beard so that he could pretend to be a eunuch.

Lao Ai was then sent to serve the queen. As a eunuch, he could enter the women’s quarters without suspicion, where he engaged in much “immoral behavior” with Queen Zhao. The ruse was eventually discovered, and Lao Ai was executed, along with three generations of his family. Lu Buwei and Zhao got off with banishment.

4An Extremely Jealous King

Gadatas had a problem we can all sympathize with: He was just too sexy. According to Xenophon, Gadatas was a hot young nobleman who served Nabonidus of Babylon. One day, one of the king’s concubines started flirting with Gadatas, saying that his fiancee was lucky to be marrying such a handsome man. To make matters worse, Gadatas started flirting back.

This was a bad move. The king immediately ordered that Gadatas should be castrated for his insolence, making him unlikely to flirt with any more concubines. Gadatas later got revenge by defecting to Cyrus the Great and handing key fortresses over to the Persians.

3Crassus And The Virgin

Marcus Licinius Crassus was one of the richest men in history and one of the most powerful figures in Rome. So when he got caught up in a sex scandal, it was big news. It was a particularly juicy scandal, too. Crassus was accused of trying to seduce a Vestal Virgin.

The Vestals were an order of priestesses who swore chastity, so trying to get one into bed was a major crime. Fortunately for Crassus, he had the perfect alibi. He explained that the Vestal in question owned a really nice villa. The only reason he was always hanging around and flattering her was because he wanted her to sell it to him cheap.

Since Crassus was famously greedy, the court bought the story and acquitted him. As Plutarch put it, “It was his avarice that absolved him from the charge.”

2Some Shocking Graffiti

Of course, it’s hard to know for sure what people thought of sex scandals in the ancient world. One interesting example comes from the reign of Hatshepsut, the most famous female pharaoh of Egypt. It was rumored that Hatshepsut was having an affair with her courtier Senenmut.

Apparently, the rumor was popular at the time since a worker seems to have graffitied it on a wall at Deir el Bahri. The graffiti depicts a figure who may be wearing pharaonic headdress being penetrated. The figure is somewhat androgynous, having no breasts or penis. This might suit Hatshepsut, who was often depicted with a fake beard.

1Elagabalus

The Roman Emperor Elagabalus’s whole life was a scandal. Levered into power at age 14 by his grandmother, the teen soon spiraled out of control. Over the next few years, he married at least five wives and one husband, a charioteer named Hierocles.

Cassius Dio claims that Elagabalus set up a mock brothel in the palace where he stood “nude at the door of the room . . . while in a soft and melting voice he solicited the passers-by . . . men who had been specially instructed to play their part.” He enjoyed letting Hierocles catch him at this so that Elagabalus could “be violently upbraided by his husband and beaten until he had black eyes.”

Dio also claims that Elagabalus often referred to himself as a woman and offered a reward to any surgeon who could give him a vagina. It’s hard to be sure how many of these stories are true, but accounts of the time agree that Elagabalus was plagued by sex scandals. Sensing that public opinion was souring, his grandmother eventually orchestrated a coup and replaced him with his cousin.

Medieval Europe was theoretically pretty conservative on sex. One 13th-century bishop even put out a list ranking the five known sexual positions from least to most sinful. (If you’re curious: missionary, side-by-side, sitting, standing, and “dorsal.”) But just like any other era, the medieval period still had its share of sex scandals.

10Abelard And Heloise

In the early 12th century, Peter Abelard was the most famous philosopher in Europe. Huge crowds turned out to hear him speak, while students paid him handsomely to act as their tutor. He courted scandal when he started sleeping with one of his students, the beautiful and brilliant Heloise.

Heloise was the niece of Fulbert, canon of Notre Dame and Abelard’s landlord, who was enraged when he discovered the illicit affair. Fulbert demanded that the couple get married. Neither was keen, but they agreed so long as the marriage was kept secret. But after Heloise gave birth to a son named Astrolabe, Fulbert revealed the marriage—only for Heloise to publicly deny it. Fulbert was furious.

Abelard sent Heloise to safety in a nunnery, which only annoyed Fulbert more. In 1117, a group of men burst into Abelard’s bedroom and brutally castrated him. He survived to become a monk and remained in contact with Heloise.

9Katherina Hetzeldorfer

In the late 1400s, an unmarried young man moved to the city of Speyer in Germany. He soon developed a reputation as a real rogue, conducting several affairs and groping women during the carnival. Nobody cared until 1477, when it was revealed that the philandering youth was actually a woman named Katherina Hetzeldorfer.

According to the trial records, Katherina had built herself a prosthetic penis “half as big as an arm . . . with a red piece of leather, at the front filled with cotton, and a wooden stick stuck into it.” She used this to have sex with several women, all of whom insisted at trial that they had no idea it wasn’t real. Katherine’s one-night-stand Else Muter even claimed that it somehow produced “semen . . . beyond measure.”

Katherina was drowned in the local river. The court accepted that her lovers had been hoodwinked, and they were sentenced to exile rather than death.

8The Swedish King And His Sister-In-Law

Princess Jutta was the daughter of King Eric IV of Denmark. As a young woman, she was placed in a cloister, where she was expected to live out the rest of her life as a nun. Instead, she staged a daring escape to Sweden.

Jutta was welcomed by her sister Sophia, who was married to King Valdemar of Sweden. Unfortunately, Valdemar started a passionate affair with the beautiful Jutta. They even had a child together. Soon, all Sweden was in an uproar with rumors that the king was cheating on his wife with her own sister.

Valdemar eventually had to make a pilgrimage to Rome to beg the Pope for forgiveness. It wasn’t the PR triumph he had hoped since the Pope imposed a hefty fine. The Swedes were furious that they had to cough up extra taxes for this, and Valdemar was quickly overthrown by his brothers.

7The Naughty Nuns Of Littlemore

In 1517, the local bishop decided to inspect Littlemore Priory in Oxfordshire, England, and uncovered the scandalous behavior of the nuns living there. Apparently, the sisters “romped and played with boys in the cloister.”

Even the prioress had an illegitimate daughter by a priest from Kent. To make matters worse, she had stolen church property to give her daughter a dowry, selling off the nunnery’s “candilsticks, basynes, shetts, pelous, federe bedds, etc.”

The nuns weren’t particularly repentant. In fact, when one was put in the stocks as punishment, three others broke down the door and freed her. The four nuns then set fire to the stocks and smashed their way out through a window.

Such immoral behavior couldn’t be tolerated, and the nunnery was eventually shut down on the orders of Cardinal Wolsey.

6The Pervy Pope

John XII became Pope when he was just 18, entirely thanks to his powerful family. The teenager rapidly proved himself more interested in sex than religion, to the point that his official palace came to resemble a brothel. It was said that local monks actually stopped praying for his health and started praying for him to die.

Before long, the scandal had spread across Europe. The Holy Roman Emperor wrote to warn that “not just a few, but all . . . have accused you of homicide, perjury, sacrilege, [and] incest with some of your female relatives and two sisters.”

John died in AD 964, apparently while making love to a woman named Stefanetta. Some accounts say that he had a stroke from the exertion, while others say that Stefanetta’s jealous husband burst into the room and threw the Pope out the window.

5William The Conqueror

These days, William I of England is best known as William the Conqueror. But in his own lifetime, he was often derisively referred to as “William the Bastard” or “William the Tanner.” That’s because he was born from a teenage tryst between Duke Robert of Normandy and a tanner’s daughter from Falaise.

Since Robert never had other sons, William was legitimized, but the scandal of his birth continued to haunt him. When he besieged Alencon, the citizens dangled animal skins from the walls and shouted, “Hides, hides for the tanner! Plenty of work for the tanner!” An enraged William fired a bunch of their severed hands from a catapult.

William’s descendants had more of a sense of humor about the whole thing. Henry II was stitching a torn glove when a bishop shouted that he looked just like his relatives in Falaise, prompting Henry to “burst unto uncontrollable laughter.”

4The Demon-Kings Of England

Henry II had an even more disconcerting story in his ancestry. While his mother was William the Conqueror’s granddaughter, his father was Geoffrey Plantagenet, Count of Anjou. The family had a reputation for cruelty, and it was said that they were descended from a demon.

According to the story, one of the early counts married the mysterious beauty Melusine but noticed that she always slipped out of church before the Eucharist. One day, he stood on her cloak to prevent her from leaving. As soon as the priest raised the Host, Melusine screamed, sprouted wings, and flew out the window, leaving behind two of her demon babies.

Of course, nobody buys that story nowadays, but the Plantagenets loved it. Both Henry and Richard the Lionheart often joked about being half-demon. Meanwhile, Bernard of Clairvaux summed up popular opinion of the family by declaring “from the Devil they came and to the Devil they will return.”

3The King, His Son, His Wife, And Her Brother

A more realistic scandal involved Henry, his son Richard the Lionheart, and Princess Alys of France. Alys and Richard had been betrothed as children, and Alys was sent to live with Henry when she was nine. But even when Alys passed the age of 16, Henry declined to actually let Richard marry her. Soon, sensational rumors leaked out that Henry had taken her for his own mistress.

The Pope threatened to excommunicate Henry’s whole kingdom unless he let Richard and Alys wed. King Louis of France demanded either a marriage or his daughter back. Henry begrudgingly agreed but didn’t name a date and continued to drag his feet for the next decade.

To make things even messier, some historians have suggested that Richard was having sex with Alys’s brother Phillip. In any case, Richard refused to marry Alys after his father died, alleging that she had already given birth to his half-brother.

2Heretical Spooning

In the late medieval period, the Church became increasingly worried about heretics, who were encouraged to admit to all sorts of disturbing sex acts on top of their religious crimes. In a famous case, a German heretic named Lepzet confessed that his sect met in a cave, where their bishop would insert the handle of a silver spoon into his anus and use it to hold an offering.

Then the congregation would kiss the bishop’s buttocks and a cat’s rectum before having an orgy—“men with men and women with women.” The confession was considered extremely shocking, although some killjoy historians suggest that Lepzet was probably making the whole thing up.

1Machiavelli, Da Vinci, And The Holes Of Truth

In the 1400s, the rulers of Florence placed several boxes known as “holes of truth” around the city. Citizens could write anonymous accusations and place them in the boxes to be investigated by the authorities.

It was a recipe for innuendo and rumormongering. Even Niccolo Machiavelli had to deny sodomizing a local courtesan known as La Riccia. He was presumably lying since he mentioned in a letter that La Riccia jokingly called him her “house pest” because he visited so often.

But the biggest scandal came in 1476 when multiple notes were left accusing Leonardo da Vinci and three other local notables of regularly having sex with a 17-year-old named Jacopo Saltarelli.

Soon all Florence was abuzz, and the artist found himself hauled in for questioning by the Officers of the Night, who weren’t nearly as cool as their name suggests. Fortunately, the charges were eventually dropped without damaging Leonardo’s career too much.

When we think of famous prostitutes, we usually think of women. Royal mistresses like Madame de Pompadour or Nell Gwynn, the hetaerae of the ancient world like Aspasia or Phryne, the women of the century demimonde like Marie DuPlessis (immortalized in Verdi’s La traviata) or La Belle Otero, or more recent women like Xaviera Hollander (The Happy Hooker) or Brooke Magnanti, writing under the pen name Belle de Jour.

But male prostitutes have made history, too. They’ve inspired poets and artists, led rebellions, brought down powerful political figures, and become infamous serial killers. Two of these men, Lao Ai and Shai Shahar, are famous for their liaisons with women, while the others primarily served other men.

Here are some of the most famous—from ancient times to today.

10 Phaedo Of Elis
Fourth Century BC

Phaedo, a handsome young man from an aristocratic family, was captured in the war between Elis and the allies, Athens and Sparta. He was enslaved in Athens and made to serve as a prostitute.

Phaedo was serving clients at an event where the philosopher Socrates was present and pleaded for his freedom. Socrates’s friends bought Phaedo’s freedom, and he became a philosopher himself.

Plato’s dialogue Phaedo is named for Phaedo, and he was present at Socrates’s death. After Socrates’s death, Phaedo went back to Elis and formed his own school of philosophy.

9 Lao Ai
Died 238 BC

During the regency of Qin Shi Huang, ruler of the Qin state and later the first emperor of China, Lao Ai was recruited to become the queen dowager’s boy toy. He was smuggled into the court as a eunuch, although he was no such thing. In fact, it was the size of his equipment that caught the queen’s eye.

Lao took advantage of his hold over the queen and publicly boasted of his power. Lao and the regent Lu Buwei conspired unsuccessfully against the future emperor with the queen’s tacit approval. After their coup attempt failed, Lao was killed, Lu committed suicide, and the queen was placed under house arrest.

8 Febo di Poggio
1500s

Febo di Poggio was one of Michelangelo’s many male models and lovers. According to Michelangelo’s poetry and contemporary rumor, di Poggio was fickle and mercenary and demanded so many gifts that Michelangelo called him “little blackmailer.”

Michelangelo was so enamored that he wrote two poems to di Poggio, G. 99 and G. 100. In keeping with Renaissance poetic tradition, Michelangelo included several plays on words in these poems, referencing di Poggio’s last name (which means “of the hill”) and his first name (equivalent to “Phoebus,” another name for the god Apollo) in these poems.

However, the relationship ended after a relatively short time and Michelangelo moved on to new loves.

7 John Saul
1857–1904

Although John Saul was born into desperate poverty in a Dublin slum, he became the most famous of London’s male prostitutes and was involved in both major male prostitution scandals of the Victorian period. He might have been the author of the 1881 pornographic novel The Sins of the Cities of the Plain; or, The Recollections of a Mary-Ann, with Short Essays on Sodomy and Tribadism.

In 1884, Irish nationalists alleged that there were homosexual orgies at the castle and named Martin Oranmore Kirwan, the son of a prominent Galway landowner, as one of the participants. Earlier in his career, Kirwan had paid Saul for sexual favors. Saul was brought to London to testify, although he wasn’t actually put on the witness stand.

In 1887, Saul was one of the in-house prostitutes at 19 Cleveland Street, which was involved in a major public scandal in 1890. Saul openly testified during the related trial that he worked there as “a professional Mary-Ann,” the current slang for male prostitutes.

However, he was never prosecuted, possibly because the authorities were afraid that he might name other Cleveland Street clients, including Prince Albert Victor, Queen Victoria’s grandson and heir to the throne at that time.

6 Herbert Huncke
1915–1996

Herbert Huncke, whose last name is pronounced “hunky,” was one of the most prominent Beats of the post–World War II generation and was indeed the one who named the Beat movement. He came from a middle-class family but found street life far more compelling.

Huncke, who briefly worked for Al Capone’s gang, started his prostitution career in Chicago. But Huncke didn’t make it big until he moved to New York City in 1939, where he was known as the “Mayor of 42nd Street.” He was addicted to drugs, especially morphine, from an early age.

William S. Burroughs wrote his first novel, Junkie, about Huncke and Jack Kerouac later used Huncke as the primary inspiration for the character Elmer Hassel in his famous book On the Road. In addition, Alfred Kinsey used Huncke to recruit subjects for his sexual research.

5 Jean Genet
1910–1986

Jean Genet was one of the best-known dramatists and thinkers behind French Modernism, inspiring Jean-Paul Sartre and Jacques Derrida, among others. The son of a prostitute, Genet wrote about his experiences servicing sailors in his autobiographical novel, Our Lady of the Flowers.

This book’s frank depiction of life among prostitutes and the criminal classes became an instant scandal and is now considered a classic piece in the literature of gay liberation. Genet followed the book with the plays The Balcony, The Blacks, The Maids, and The Screens. He also wrote the novels Querelle of Brest, Funeral Rites, and The Thief’s Journal, and a short film, A Love Song.

Genet became a political activist as well as a playwright and even inspired a David Bowie song, “The Jean Genie.”

4 Denham Fouts
1914–1948

Denham Fouts led a colorful life. He counted the wealthy, artists, and royalty among his clients as well as many of the period’s most famous authors and Bright Young Things among his friends.

In the 1920s, after Fouts robbed a Greek millionaire client and was sentenced to jail, the Welsh poet Evan Morgan (the 2nd Viscount Tredegar) bailed him out and supported him. Fouts left Tredegar for Prince Paul of Greece, but Paul ended the relationship when he became king.

Fouts then took up with Peter Watson, an industrialist and publisher of the literary magazine Horizon. Christopher Isherwood said Fouts was “the most expensive male prostitute in the world.” He fell in love with a picture of Truman Capote and sent Capote a blank check and his address in Paris. Fouts died young of heart failure in Paris.

3 Shai Shahar
Retired 1999

Shai Shahar, a former soldier in both the United States and Israel, was the first man to go on display in the famous windows in Amsterdam’s red-light district. He claimed that his clientele, there and elsewhere, included royalty, politicians, and movie stars.

Shahar also claimed to have had sex with 500 different women and 40 couples. After retiring from prostitution, he became a singer and promoter for burlesque productions as well as an advocate for legal prostitution and sex worker rights.

2 Mike Jones
20th century

Mike Jones, who prefers to be called an escort rather than a prostitute, became famous for outing his client, Reverend Ted Haggard. Haggard was one of the best-known evangelical leaders in the United States and was a regular adviser to President George W. Bush.

Haggard, a married man, was an active proponent for the Defense of Marriage Act, which banned same-sex marriage. This advocacy made Jones decide to out Haggard, despite knowing that it would almost certainly cost him his career. “This [hypocrisy] is so strong for me, and it hurt me so deeply, that I simply reached the point where I had to say something.”

1 Jeff Gannon
Born 1957

Jeff Gannon (born James Dale Guckert) lived two lives, one as a member of the White House Press Corps during George W. Bush’s administration and the other as a professional escort named “Bulldog” who advertised on websites such as militaryescorts.com. He did not, however, have a military background.

Gannon was able to bypass the standard clearance procedures for White House press passes, which later raised suspicions that he had received special treatment. During a press conference on January 26, 2005, he asked President George W. Bush, “How are you going to work with people [Senate Democrats] who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?”

This overtly partisan question brought him to national attention. Reporters began digging into his background and revealed that he had been a male escort. In 2007, Gannon published a book, The Great Media War, about his experience and the media in general.

+ Andrew Cunanan
1969–1997

Andrew Cunanan was a very successful prostitute on the West Coast of the United States who made a good living off multiple clients. One, Norman Blachford, flew Cunanan around the world and gave him a car, housing, and an allowance.

Cunanan was a habitual liar, exaggerating his background and frequently pretending to be independently wealthy. For some unknown reason, he embarked on a violent murder spree in 1997.

His first victim was Jeff Trail, a former lover, followed by David Madson, an architect. Cunanan then murdered Lee Miglin, a famous and wealthy real estate developer, which put Cunanan on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List. He then killed cemetery caretaker William Reese, the first victim who had no apparent preexisting link to Cunanan.

Then Cunanan fled to Miami, where he shot and killed fashion designer Gianni Versace and later shot himself. To date, no investigation has uncovered a motive for the killings.

Ann is a researcher, writer, and currently, a job hunter. Learn more about her on LinkedIn or see more of her writing on Medium.

People always look to the past as a golden age. People were moral, the young were respectful, and sex was not everywhere. The fact is, though, that human nature never changes. If there have been periods where sex was less flaunted, then those were the rare lulls in the sexual storm that is history.

10Contraception

Childbirth before the invention of anesthetics and modern medicine was brutal, painful, and dangerous. Euripides has Medea in his play declare, “I had rather stand my ground three times among the shields than face a childbirth once.”

Is it any wonder then that women sought ways to avoid the horrors of the birthing bed? And sometimes, they might just like to have sex without the risk of dying. So, they turned to the best available products at the time.

We find a recipe preserved from 1800 BC for a pessary used to prevent pregnancy from ancient Egypt. Chopped crocodile dung is mixed with honey and salt and “sprinkled over the womb.” This might have created an effective spermicide, but it would definitely be a mood-killer.

The Roman and Greek worlds relied on a more pleasant method—so pleasant that they drove the source of their contraception to extinction. Apparently, silphium was a form of giant fennel used for almost any sickness or culinary recipe. It was so effective and delicious that it came to be worth its weight in silver. Alas, it was also impossible to cultivate and had to be gathered from the wild. The last stalk of silphium was seen during the reign of the emperor Nero. So, now we have to seek our salad and contraceptives in different aisles of the supermarket.

9 Pedico and the Courts

Most people know the Biblical cities near the Dead Sea as dens of depravity. Of course, I refer to Gomorrah and Sodom. And Sodom also gave its name to a class A felony. The locals were fond of the back-door sexual approach, and their predilection became known as sodomy. Their destruction—God was not pleased with them—was described in the Bible. But this did not stop people, especially the Romans, from continuing this popular Greek practice.

Sodomy, or pedico as the Romans called it, was enjoyed by women and men. Women for its contraceptive benefits as no pregnancies resulted from its use. The practice among men was more accepted as it lost its Biblical abomination status. So, where is the crazy part of this fact, you ask?

It lies in the courts! When it came to adultery, the law took the practice of pedico in another direction— the injured party could sodomize the guilty party. Or, if he chose a stand-in, with a large radish!

8Pederasty in Athens

If we were told a prominent figure in society found adolescents almost irresistible, we would be rightly appalled. When Plato tells us that the philosopher Socrates enjoyed hanging around naked youths, sleeping beside them, embracing them, his audience would not have shown the least surprise. In Athens of the fifth century BC, it was held as entirely natural that men would be attracted to boys. There are certainly plentiful literary and artistic records that show it was a common practice, at least among the upper classes.

The older man, the Erastes, was expected to court the boy, the Eramenos, with gifts and other devices. The relationship, once established, was supposed to be beneficial to both. The older man got sex, and the younger was introduced to Athenian society with a powerful protector. Sometimes, this relationship is portrayed as simply a May-December romance, but the boys involved were very young. It was considered shameful for anyone capable of growing a beard to still be an Eramenos.

7Brothels

In most societies, prostitution has been, if not illegal, then at least looked on as something deeply shameful. For the Romans, this was not the case. The Lupinar in the ruins of Pompeii gives us a peek into the world of the Roman brothel. Instead of hidden away in a dank alley, it proudly asserts the sort of business one could do inside. Graffiti tells people what to expect from the various women on offer. Once inside, several graphic images help those with less imagination or the illiterate understand just what they were buying.

Things were even more brazen in Babylon. According to the Greek historian Herodotus, at least once in her life, every Babylonian woman had to go to the temple of Ishtar and serve as a holy prostitute. No matter who offered them a coin, they had to accept his advances. Some researchers dispute that this happened, but there seems to be widespread agreement that service to God was the same as servicing men for money for some women.

6Ancient Sex Toys

In 2005, in Germany, archaeologists made a startling discovery. Eight inches of rock-hard matter protruded from the ground. While the size is impressive, so is the carving. This was a 26,000-year-old phallus that some researchers believe to be the earliest discovered dildo. While this is the oldest dildo discovered, it is by no means unique. Life-size penises have been discovered fashioned from all manner of material, even wood—which suggests our ancestors were braver about splinters than we are today.

With their explicit pottery paintings, the Greeks also give another valuable peep into the world of the ancient sex toy. Women can be seen wielding dildos on many vases. Further, they were not coy about them, at least in comic scenes. The writer Herodas produced a mime based on a conversation between two women, one seeking to find who made the other their wonderful leather dildo (read it here). The dildo maker hides his true business behind the more family-friendly image of being a cobbler. In Aristophanes’s play Lysistrata, the women of Greece go on a sex strike to end a war, in part because it has disrupted the trade in dildos.

5Pantomime Actor’s Phallic Antics

Speaking of Greek plays, Greek tragedies have a reputation for being bloody affairs. They were also uniformly solemn. But at the end of a long day of hard-hitting drama, the Athenians liked to let out the tension with a laugh. Comedy and Satyr plays lightened the mood. And along with pointed political satire, one of the things they loved best was a good dick joke.

On stage, comic male characters would wear a huge and barely hidden leather penis. This could be whipped out as the play required for anything. The master of Old Comedy, Aristophanes, employed these phalluses for masturbation jokes, erection humor, impotence barbs, and the offer to use the phallus as a ship’s rudder. So if anyone ever tells you dick jokes are crude, you can quote from Aristophanes: “Peace, profane men!  . . . come forward and . . . hold the phallus well upright.”

4Wandering Uterus

If someone accuses you of being hysterical, they accuse you of something quite specific and very odd. First described by the ancient Greek father of medicine, Hippocrates, hysteria was a disease of women with wide-ranging symptoms. Almost anything could be blamed on hysteria, but it was chiefly thought to contribute to a lack of emotional control. So, what causes hysteria? The uterus traveling around the body.

This today strikes us as a ludicrous idea. But in the ancient world, the uterus was thought of as a deeply troubling organ. Egyptian papyri carry descriptions of medicines designed to coax “a wandering uterus” back into place. Plato, one of the foundational thinkers of the Western tradition, thought of the uterus as an animal that caused mischief wherever it went in the body.

3Spartan Women

Sparta was in many ways an odd-one-out of Ancient Greece. While women in Athens were kept so secluded that they were thought to speak their own dialect, Sparta’s women received great freedom for the time. When the Spartan queen Gorgo was asked, “Why is it that you Spartan women are the only women that lord it over your men,” she said, “Because we are the only women that are mothers of men.”

But the wedding night could be a strange affair for a Spartan girl. Her hair would be shaved off, and she would be dressed in a man’s cloak and sandals. Thus dressed, she would wait in the dark for her husband to steal in and have his way with her. Some historians have suggested that his cross-dressing on the part of the bride was to get a man more used to spending time with his male brothers-in-arms used to the delights of heterosexuality.

2Penis Charms

The penis appeared everywhere in the ancient world. You could not walk the streets of ancient Athens or Rome without the risk of poking your eye out. In Athens, statues called Herms were ubiquitous. As a square pillar with the head of the god Hermes, they also feature erect phalluses. These penile protectors were thought so important that when in 415 BC, someone went on a drunken rampage and smashed the penises, it created a crisis in the state.

The penis was thought to possess Apotropaic power—it could ward off evil. It was painted on frescoes, carved in statues, cast in bronze, and generally daubed wherever people might wish to be safe. Often, the phallus is shown with wings, and sometimes these winged penises were hung with bells. These Tintinnabulae acted as both charming wind chimes and magical protectors.

1Egypt’s Incestuous Gods

Royal families have often tried to keep their bloodlines pure by marrying within small and closely related groups, often with disastrous genetic consequences. The Egyptian royal family often married brother to sister to keep it all in the family. This is not a good idea, but it becomes more understandable when you consider that the ancient pharaohs were seen as gods on Earth. And they were doing exactly the same as the gods in heaven. The most famous example of a brother-sister marriage in Egyptian mythology is that of Osiris and Isis.

When the god Osiris was killed and dismembered by his brother Set, his wife and sister Isis sought to gather up all his body parts. The only one she failed to recover was his penis—which a crocodile ate. Since the Nile had claimed the penis of a god, it became hugely fertile and brought life to the land. In the first mention in recorded history of a blow job, Isis fashioned a new penis out of clay for her brother-husband and blew life into it.

Under the heavy influence of the Church, sexual acts during the Middle Ages were policed to an extreme. Despite this state of oppression, people still liked sex. And as you are about to find out, sex during those times was far more interesting than you would expect.

10 Prostitution Was Considered a Necessary Evil

Prostitution was rife throughout the Middle Ages, and while the clergy weren’t happy about it, they made little effort to stop it. Clerics realized that many men needed this outlet and that a lack of prostitution could do more harm than good. They feared that otherwise, men would corrupt respectable women or, even worse, turn to homosexuality.

Despite being tolerated, some ordinances reflected the prostitutes’ lowly standing in society. They were obligated to wear certain types of clothing so that they could be distinguished from respectable ladies. In addition, they had to live in certain areas of the city and had no legal standing in a court of law.^[1] Brothels were usually thinly disguised as bathhouses or craft shops like embroideries, where women could serve as “apprentices.”

9 Impotence Was Grounds for Marriage Annulment

Many European countries during the Middle Ages had laws that regarded consummation as an integral part of the marriage ceremony. Therefore, if someone was unable or unwilling to procreate, their partner could request an annulment. In addition, an inability to perform the marital duty could result in a trial where the man had to prove that he was physically capable of having sex.

There are dozens of reported cases of impotence trials in medieval times.^[2] One of the most famous occurred in 1198, between King Philip II of France and his second wife, Ingeborg, the daughter of the Danish king, Valdemar I. For some reason, Philip hated Ingeborg and didn’t want to have her as queen of France. In a strange twist, the man was actually the one arguing that the marriage had not been consummated, pleading “temporary impotence.”

8 Women Used Contraceptives

Since ancient times, humans have developed numerous techniques to avoid conception. However, until recently, historians believed that usage of contraceptives dropped sharply during the Middle Ages. For starters, the Catholic Church frowned greatly upon them since they saw procreation as a gift from God and the entire reason to get married. Furthermore, scholars believed that women would not be interested in limiting pregnancies due to high infant mortality rates.

However, demographics studies show that pregnancy rates decreased significantly in women over 30, suggesting that they employed various contraceptive methods. Even so, written records of these practices are very scarce due to the Church’s influence and staunch opposition to contraception. Historians believed this created an “oral culture of contraception,” where the “tricks of the trade” were passed down from midwife to midwife. Coitus interruptus was a common birth control method, as were plant-based contraceptives, such as a pessary made out of lily root and rue.^[3]

7 The Church Thought Midwives Forced Women Into Sex With the Devil

The late Middle Ages were characterized, among other things, by prolific witch hunts, which saw tens of thousands of people (mostly women) persecuted for witchcraft. Numerous “suspicious” practices could get you declared a witch, and sometimes, this included midwifery.

Things got worse after Pope Innocent VIII issued the papal bull Summis desiderantes affectibus in 1484, acknowledging the existence of witches and approving their prosecution. In response, inquisitor Heinrich Kramer wrote the Malleus Maleficarum, still considered the most important treatise on witchcraft. Kramer claimed that nobody harmed the Catholic Faith more than midwives.^[4] He accused midwives of tricking young women into having sex with the Devil and then using unbaptized infants for witchcraft.

Despite the influence of the Malleus Maleficarum, many historians now argue that midwives were rarely accused of witchcraft. Although they are mentioned in other demonology texts, “midwives-as-witches” is regarded as a modern myth brought on by works of earlier historians like Margaret Murray.

6 Clergymen Could Sometimes Get Married

During the Middle Ages, the history of clerical marriages is long and convoluted, with numerous changes occurring over the centuries. At the start of the era, Byzantine emperor Justinian annulled all marriages of members of the Holy Order and declared all of their children illegitimate.^[5]

The law of celibacy remained in place for hundreds of years, but it wasn’t always enforced with particular fervor. There was also a distinction made between clergymen who were allowed to marry and married men who were allowed to become clergy. The latter was more common, although typically only if it was their first marriage, and the men were usually expected to show sexual continence once they joined the clerical ranks.

After the Great Schism of 1054, both churches became stricter, and celibacy was enforced again. Clerical marriages were prohibited at the First Council of the Lateran in 1123. These marriages became common again during the Protestant Reformation, as Martin Luther himself was married to Katharina von Bora.

5 Lesbianism Was Considered a Medical Problem

While homosexuality was a “hot topic” during the Middle Ages, attention was usually focused on men. Consequently, there is very little mention of female homosexuality. One of the few medieval laws that specifically target lesbianism comes from the mid-13th-century French treatise Li Livres de jostice et de plet (The Book of Justice and of Pleas). Female sodomy received a similar punishment to its male counterpart: mutilation for the first two offenses and burning for the third.

Lesbianism was regarded as a medical problem brought on by one of two disorders: The first came from the ancient Greek physician Galen, who advised that lack of sex would cause a seed buildup in women’s wombs. The treatment involved an orgasm, generally brought on by a midwife with a hot poultice.^[6] The other condition was called “ragadia of the womb.” It was believed that women could develop penis-like protuberances outside their vaginas, which would make them want to have sex with other women.

4 They Used Sex Toys

While sex toys were not invented during the Middle Ages, they were used. Actually, the first sex toys appear in the archaeological record about 30,000 years ago. They existed in various shapes and sizes, made from a wide range of materials, including stone, wood, ivory, tar, teeth, limestone, and even bones. Art from ancient Egypt depicts dildos—for both men and women. And the ancient Greeks—that’s a whole other list right there. Rather than earlier versions of stone or wood, the Greeks made theirs of leather or animal hair, using olive oil as a lubricant.

During the Middle Ages, dildos were commonly made of bread (something the ancient Greeks also did).^[7] Their use was generally done in secret as not to incur the wrath and punishment of the Church. Women would bake loaves of bread until they were hard enough to be used as dildos. I can’t imagine how that would’ve worked out. They must have hurt…

3 There Was Cross-Dressing

Cross-dressing hasn’t been regarded as an accepted practice until recently, and it’s still frowned upon in many parts of the world. Unsurprisingly, it was taboo in medieval England, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. One Oxford study presented the cases of 13 women who were cited for cross-dressing in England during the 15th century. Records show that male cross-dressing was just as, if not more, prevalent.^[8]

Most cross-dressers tended to be prostitutes who engaged in this practice for their (or their partner’s) sexual desire. Authorities of the time went to great lengths to downplay the pervasiveness of such acts, claiming they were vices from other cultures perpetrated by foreigners.

2 Missionary Was the Preferred Position

The Church considered sex a means to an end for procreation. That’s how missionary became the default position; man-on-top and face-to-face was thought to give the best chances for pregnancy. They feared that any other position might confuse the natural order. Some positions like sex a tergo (from behind) were considered “beastly” and were thought to blur the lines between man and animal.

Church authorities strictly forbade oral and anal sex throughout the Middle Ages. Since there was no chance of procreation, these would have been purely for sexual pleasure, which was viewed as a lustful sin.

As time passed, certain officials became somewhat more progressive. During the 13th century, German friar Albertus Magnus ranked five positions from most to least natural: missionary, side-by-side, seated, standing, and a tergo. While missionary was still the number-one pick, he regarded the others as “morally questionable but not mortally sinful.”^[9]

1 There Were Punishments for Every Sexual Sin

When it came to punishments, the Church wanted to make sure they got things right. That’s why the Middle Ages saw the appearance of penitentials—books detailing the rules for penance for every sin under the sun. They came about from priests who started documenting the sins they heard during confession and the penances set for each one.

Unsurprisingly, there were quite a few sins involving sex. There were also quite a few penitentials, but one of the most influential was the Paenitentiale Theodori by Theodore of Tarsus, Archbishop of Canterbury.

According to Theodore, men fornicating with men or with animals had to do penance for 10 years. Women fornicating with women had to do penance for 3 years. Masturbation meant that men had to abstain from meat for four days, while women had to repent for a whole year. This only applied to virgins or widows, as married women earned more penance, of course. Ejaculating seed into the mouth was the worst evil and required penance for life.^[10]

Celebrity endorsements can make a product. For a famous person in need of a little cash endorsements can be a life, or at least bank balance, saver. Sometimes the endorsements make absolutely no sense – Ozzy Osbourne’s advert for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter was hardly rock and roll. But if the item being sold matches up with a celebrity’s brand then there can be big bucks made all round. If celebrity sells and sex sells then would could be bigger than mashing the two together? Here are ten times musicians got down and dirty with the sex industry.

SEE ALSO: 10 Sex Toys With Ridiculously Ancient Origins

10 Rammstein Penises

The German hard rock band Rammstein is not one to shy away from sensitive areas. Their 2009 video for the song Pussy featured rather more flesh and sexual intercourse than American music videos would be allowed to put on display. Coming from the album ‘Liebe ist fur alle da’ – Love is for everyone – the song was a sign of where the band would be going next. They decided to release a special box set for the album, not an unusual merchandising strategy, but they included non-stand items in the hand-crafted case. Like handcuffs, lubricant, and six pink plastic dildos in various shapes and sizes. “Size does matter, after all,” as they sang in Pussy.

The boxset could be bought with either the censored or uncensored version of the album, for those perhaps not expecting rude words from a box of sex toys. In Germany the album could not be displayed in shops after a court ruled it was damaging to youths.^[1]

Despite rumors that the six dildos in the special edition were modeled on the band members’ members it appears this is just an urban legend – unless someone with more intimate knowledge knows better.

9 JLS Condoms

The boy band JLS emerged from the UK version of the X-factor in 2008 after coming second to Alexandra Burke. Of the two however it was JLS who proved to have the staying power racking up several number ones. Being socially responsible the band decided to partner with the condom maker Durex to release their own range of branded condoms.^[2]

As the boys said at the time “it’s important to put your love in a glove.” They decided to repurpose the JLS of their name to make it stand for Just Love Safe.

Each box featured the face of one of the four stars which led to an impromptu popularity contest. Ashton is apparently the one people pick when it comes to safe sex. Those looking to colour code their loving were please to know that each of the pop stars’ condoms came in a different color.

8 Safaree Samuels’ Anaconda

Safaree Samuels is a rapper and songwriter perhaps best known for dating Nicki Minaj for over a decade. Or at least he was most famous for that until his name started trending on Twitter in 2018. Safaree’s nudes had leaked and the internet was going wild. Some suggested that the rapper had been behind the leak of the explicit photos. If he was looking for publicity then it worked.^[3]

This year however he sought to use his internet fame, as well as other of his attributes, to make some hard cash. A replica of the much seen penis can now be bought. Called Safaree’s Anaconda the object comes in at 12 inches long so buyers will be getting plenty of bang for their buck. While some people might be cautious about their purchase Safaree’s current girlfriend said “I’m so excited for you ladies!”

7 Daft Punk condoms

When musician Diplo posted a picture of an empty box of condoms on his Instagram he did what everyone does after sex – he thanked Daft Punk. This was around the time of the release of Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’ but Diplo was not just talking about the aphrodisiac powers of the bands tune. The condoms he was so ostentatiously showing off were branded with an image of the band and the name of their hit. Someone had got lucky indeed.^[4]

But it soon turned out that rumours of Daft Punk getting into the condom business were premature. Durex denied going into partnership with the band. The condoms were just a promotional item being given away by their record company’s PR. Daft Punk have never spoken about how they feel about being linked in the public imagination to Diplo’s penis but Durex were thrilled. “We do hope that by using Durex condoms, music-lovers will continue to make sweet music together and have great sex!”

6 Dave Stewart’s vibrator

The Eurythmics has some huge hits in the 80s and have reunited several times since their first split to put out new albums. But it does seem as if there have been things other than music on Dave Stewart’s mind. In 2008 it was announced that his song Let’s Do It Again would be available free of charge to those who bought a vibrator inscribed with lyrics from the song – probably for those who get excited by reading.^[5]

This was to be no ordinary sex toy however. For a start it would cost £1000, making the free song seem like less of a bargain. To account for the high price it should be noted that it comes tipped with 28 round-cut black diamonds. Since there is not much light in its intended using spot the diamonds don’t really need to sparkly anyway. For those worried that they don’t get enough use from their toys the vibrator came with a leather cord that meant you could wear it around your neck. It also came with a pick in case you wanted to strum your guitar. Or anything else.

5 Mötley Crüe’s motley crew

Mötley Crüe have always had girls, girls, girls on their mind so it is no wonder that they are always looking for ways to please them. Alongside Lovehoney – “The sexual happiness people ” – the band created a set of eight “powerful” vibrators. Coming in a range of sizes, colors, and with either 7 or 10 functions, the vibrators have names paying tribute to the band’s classic songs. Some, like like Dr Feelgood, hint at the pleasures that await while others, “Too fast for love,” perhaps hint at thwarted passion.

While the makers say that the “eye-catching vibes capture the style and sex appeal of the band perfectly,” some might quibble at the verisimilitude of the wares on offer. If these capture the appearance of the members then there may be many anatomical questions to answer.^[6]

4 The Vibrators’ Vibrator

Sometimes an endorsement is just too perfect to pass up. When persona and product overlap completely you would be a fool not to take the money. When Lovehoney started working with the punk-rock group The Vibrators there was only one product they could possibly make – a Buzzin Bullet Vibrator. And being a punk group it of course had to come in a box shaped like a Union Jack draped coffin.^[7]

The Buzzin Bullet was touted as the first official mash up of musician and sex toy. For years the band had been told they should make money off their name by releasing their own vibrators and when the Buzzin Bullet finally did make its way onto their merchandise stands at concerts they flew off the shelves and into buyers’ hands. And other places. The band thanked Lovehoney, calling them “a company who know so much about the band and who have the right, fun attitude to the product—a good coming together you could say.”

3 Motorhead’s motorised head

Motorhead have been toying with sex toys for a long time. On their 1977 debut album they released their song Vibrator that had such catchy lyrics as:

“I’m really starting to buzz,
Your feeling comes, I’m starting to hum,
I can do it like nothing else does.”

Vibrators were an obvious collaboration choice then for the rockers. They began by releasing four fairly dull looking tubes emblazoned with names from their hit-list like “Ace of Spades” and “Born to lose” as well as just their name. But the band must have been doing something right with their merchandise as they soon came out with three new toys for their range.^[8]

The additions to the range included a vibrating glass wand, two solid glass dildos shaped like bombs and a War-Pig topped with a model of their Snaggletooth mascot. One member of the band cautioned users “Just like the band, our products are EXTREME! Enjoy with care.”

2 Ghost B.C.

The Swedish band Ghost, also known as Ghost B.C. in the USA for legal reasons, is a hard rock group that does not mess around when it comes to sex play. Why merely be deviant when you can also be blasphemous at the same time? The band’s Phallos Mortuus Ritual box set comes with everything you might need to get a party started.^[9]

Inside a book-shaped box lined with red velvet you get one bronze-effect butt-plug with the band’s Grucifix symbol on the base, one dildo finished with the head of one of the band member’s dressed as a bishop, and divorce certificate – just in case things go wrong probably.

The box set comes in a range of sizes to suit all needs from Men’s Small to Men’s Extra, Extra Large.

1 Marilyn Manson

Marilyn Manson lives to shock people out of their tired assumptions and passivity. Certainly one way to shock someone would be to yank out Manson’s own product – a dildo with his face on it.^[10]

Called the Double Cross dildo it features the singer’s name embossed on the shaft but you probably won’t notice that as long as his face is peering into your soul. Described on Manson’s website as “soft, lifelike,” it does make you wonder which part of the singer it most resembles. It does come with a black velvet bag so when you are done with it you do not have to face Manson looking back at you for long.

Helpfully the product is described as “wipe clean” and the paint used to create Manson’s face is environmentally safe. Unfortunately the face itself “May fade with multiple uses.”

Some postcoital practices are far more dangerous than an after-sex cigarette. If you belong to an arthropod species where one partner frequently devours the other, making babies may be the last thing you ever do.

Some species of spiders, slugs, and insects regularly include a spot of cannibalism in their reproductive habits. It’s usually the males that draw the short straw when it comes to getting eaten while trying to pass on their genes. So strong is the urge to reproduce that the males of some species will even willingly sacrifice themselves for the cause.

10 Orb-Weaving Spiders

If you’re a male orb-weaving spider, your chances of surviving your first sexual encounter are poor. In fact, you have more than an 80 percent chance of being eaten by the female.

As this means that they probably have only one shot at passing on their genes, male orb-weaving spiders are fairly picky when it comes to choosing a mate. In many other species, females do the choosing.

However, like most other animals that practice sexual cannibalism, male orb weavers are more selective than the females when it comes to picking a sexual partner. They tend to go for plump, young females in the hope that they are the most fertile.^[1]

9 Redback Spiders

Male redback spiders willingly sacrifice themselves to pass on their genes, and there’s a high chance of death at every stage of their mating process. Male redbacks don’t spin their own webs. Instead, they often hang around the edge of a female’s web and make sexual overtures toward her to see if she’s ready to breed.

If she hasn’t already eaten him by this stage by having mistaken him for prey, the male then goes to extreme lengths to maintain her attention while they get down to business. He stands on his head and allows her to access his abdomen by “somersaulting” it toward her mouth.

This gives him time to insert his first palp (reproductive structure) while she is busy injecting digestive juices into his abdomen to liquefy his insides. If he still has the strength, he may be able to insert his second palp before succumbing. It is thought that this unusual way of reproducing is only exhibited in redback spiders.^[2]

That’s not the extent of the redback spider’s deadly tendencies. Although each egg sac contains around 300 eggs, the babies are so cannibalistic that very few will survive to adulthood.

8 Banana Slugs

The banana slug performs a postcoital ritual of self-cannibalism that would make any man’s eyes water. Like most types of slugs, these yellow mollusks are hermaphrodites. Although they are capable of fertilizing themselves, they usually choose to reproduce with a partner if potential mates are available. Banana slugs signal that they’re ready for copulation by releasing chemicals into their slime.^[3]

Once they’ve found a mate, banana slugs get in the mood by consuming each other’s slimy secretions. When they’ve finished exchanging sperm, they gnaw off their own penises to disengage from their partner.

7 Octopuses

Although sexual cannibalism is less common in octopuses than some other species on this list, the males still take a big risk whenever they copulate with a female. Despite being generally antagonistic and antisocial toward each other, octopuses have a surprisingly intimate way of making babies. To fertilize the female’s eggs, the male must insert one of its arms inside her body.

Female octopuses sometimes strangle their mates by wrapping their arms around the males’ bodies and squeezing. Then the female drags the body back to her den to consume it. This is most likely to happen in species with long arms, such as the coconut octopus.

To minimize the risk of becoming dinner, many long-armed species mate from as far away as possible by reaching their arm into the female’s body from a distance and actually keeping her at arm’s length. Some males even do this from outside the female’s den.^[4]

6 Anacondas

Female anacondas occasionally cannibalize their partners by strangling them. They have size on their side—the females are nearly five times as large as the males.

It seems that males prefer to mate with large females, although scientists were flummoxed as to how they could gauge the size of a female given their bad eyesight. It’s thought that the pheromones that attract males to a female contain information about her physical appearance.

It makes good sense for a female anaconda to eat her mate. Once she’s pregnant, she won’t eat again for the seven months of her gestation. So, getting a last-minute meal in beforehand is a good tactic to keep her going through a long pregnancy.^[5]

5 Sagebrush Crickets

To avoid being completely devoured by females during mating, male sagebrush crickets offer a gift of a particularly gruesome kind. While they mate, the female feasts on the male’s back wings and drinks the juices that ooze out. Only a part of the wings is eaten during copulation, so the male may be able to mate again.

However, males that have already mated aren’t usually as attractive to females because their partially eaten wings offer a less filling meal. This means that virgin males are the first choice for a female sagebrush cricket looking for a sexual partner.^[6]

4 Jumping Spider

Male jumping spiders aren’t at all picky when it comes to finding a mate. In fact, they will attempt to seduce any female they encounter with a special mating dance, even if she’s a totally different species. It’s thought that this happens because they can’t distinguish between types of spider. Scientists have even observed male jumping spiders attempting to woo dead females.

As they’re much smaller than the females they’re trying to win over, male jumping spiders are very vulnerable to being eaten by their mates. Females generally try to eat their suitors after mating, although they don’t always succeed. The male may not fare any better if he accidentally sets his sight on one of the many other species that devour males after sex.^[7]

3 Black Widow

A commonly believed myth says that black widow mating always ends with the female cannibalizing the male. However, many different species fall under the black widow umbrella. Of these, most do not partake in sexual cannibalism in the wild, although it has been observed in captivity.

Of the black widow species in the United States, only one exhibits cannibalistic behavior after mating. Latrodectus mactans females, often known as the southern black widow, do sometimes polish off their partners following copulation, but the vast majority survive to mate again.^[8]

2 Horned Nudibranch

Nudibranchs are part of the sea slug family. They have jelloid bodies and get their colorful hues from the prey they eat. Despite having no teeth, they are fierce predators. They feed by shooting out a proboscis-like structure to swallow their prey whole and will happily eat their own kind if necessary.^[9]

Nudibranchs are hermaphrodites, and during mating, both partners usually receive sperm to fertilize their eggs. For horned nudibranchs, this can end in one animal cannibalizing the other.

1 Praying Mantis

Of all the species that cannibalize their mates, the praying mantis is probably the best known. Females sometimes consume the head or other body parts of their partners when they copulate. However, this only happens during 13–28 percent of mating sessions and is more likely if the female is especially irritated or hungry.

However, there may be an unexpected benefit to males if their partners do feel a bit peckish during mating. A study in 2016 discovered that female Chinese mantises who ate their mates went on to lay more eggs, increasing the male’s chances of passing on his genes to more offspring.^[10]

Sex sells, so it comes as no surprise that sex scandals are a hot topic across the country. From high-profile politicians, celebrities, and even presidents, no one is safe from a sex scandal-hungry media outlet. Here are the top ten biggest sex scandals in recent history.

10 Jeffree Star and Kanye West

In 2021, the American people combined two of our very favorite things—conspiracy and sex scandals. Eager fans on social media began circulating rumors that the then alleged divorce between Kanye West and Kim Kardashian resulted from a torrid love affair between the rapper and beauty mogul Jeffree Star. With both men living in Wyoming— and in the same community in California at one point—it didn’t take much for online communities to start pulling theories out of thin air. This conspiracy even led to a direct response from the star himself, in which he debunks the theory. “Let me just say this one time… I like very tall men.” For the record, Kanye is only 5’8″.

9 Kim Kardashian’s Sex Tape

If you thought one sex scandal would be enough for any family, you haven’t heard of the Kardashians. In early 2007, Kim Kardashian was a blip on Hollywood’s social radar—until March of that year, when a now-infamous sex tape was leaked onto the Internet. From there, Ms. Kardashian launched herself into the reality tv stratosphere.

With her mother’s help managing the family’s brands and careers, the Kardashian’s are now one of the country’s most famous families. While some believe that it was none other than Kris Jenner—Kim’s mother—who released the tape to further her daughter’s career, there is no doubt that whoever it was, ushered the Kardashian’s into Hollywood royalty.

8 Pee Wee’s Big Cinematic Adventure

In July of 1991, Paul Ruebens, AKA Pee-Wee Herman, was arrested in an adult movie theater on the charge of indecent exposure. The arrest was scandalous, as Ruebens was best known for hosting a well-loved children’s television program. This scandal proved different than most. Instead of exile and ostracization, people held rallies in support of the actor. Ruebens refuted the charge that he engaged in any illicit activity in the theater but readily acknowledged his presence there that night.

At that time, the court sentenced him to a fine and community service. It wasn’t until 2004 when the actor was again sentenced on additional sex charges, this time for inappropriate content of minors. Claiming the photographs in question were part of a collection of historical, artistic images, Ruebens settled for a $1,000 fine, three years’ probation, and registration on the sex offender list. 

7 Arnold’s Secret Son

Although former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had been married to Maria Shriver for just over a decade, it made little difference to him. During his marriage and time in office, Mr. Terminator carried on with his family housekeeper, who would go on to have a son. This was kept quiet, even from his wife, for the duration of his tenure in office. It wasn’t long after leaving office that the LA Times dropped a scathing front-page article detailing the former Governors many indiscretions.

Schwarzenegger was apparently unaware of the paternity of the child. Upon discovering that he was the father, he began supporting the child financially. Both the article and the affair were the direct causes of Arnold’s divorce from Shriver. However, despite the scandal, public opinion of the bodybuilder and actor has changed little.

6 Eliot Spitzer and the Emperor’s Club

Following our theme of the press outing illicit Gubernatorial activity, the downfall of former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer came at the hands of the New York Times. In 2008 the New York Times published an article detailing Spitzer’s outings with an expensive call girl from a prostitution ring called the “Emperor’s VIP Club.” At $1,000 an hour, these forays did not come cheap, both financially and professionally.

He spent a total of $15,000 over six months at this so-called club, according to the information procured by a wiretap placed by the federal government. To avoid impeachment, Spitzer resigned from his position as New York State Governor on March 17, 2008. The fallout from the “bust” of the Emperor’s Club was international. A member of the British Ministry of Defense, who was also connected to the ring, resigned.

5 John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe

Perhaps the most memorable sex scandal in American history is between former President John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe. The American public had a rabid appetite for gossip about the young, handsome president and the Hollywood bombshell. The rumors really began to fly after a televised birthday celebration for JFK. Marilyn came out on stage in a white fur coat, which she hastily removed to reveal a bedazzled gown. At the time, this gown was scandalously revealing.

After she all but undressed on stage, she sang a slow, sultry version of “Happy Birthday” directed at Mr. Kennedy (“Happy birthday, Mr. President…”). From there, the American public was hooked. This gave what many consider to be concrete evidence of the alleged affair and the only known photograph of the two together. Others say an affair between the two was impossible. They were rarely documented to be in the same location. Others refute claims that the affair was fiction. Some say that Monroe contacted Kennedy’s wife, Jackie, to discuss the affair.

While we know that Jackie was aware of other affairs JFK had, the rumors of the one between her husband and Monroe was the one that really upset her. Because of her celebrity, the relationship had the potential to ruin her family if proven true. 

4 Jerry Springer and His Bounced Check

While best known for his trash TV persona, Jerry Springer also had a political career—peppered with some questionable hobbies. In 1974, while on the Cincinnati City Council, Jerry frequented sex workers. *cue boos from the crowd* After a VICE investigation and a press release that alluded to an anonymous “Cincinnati politico,” Jerry shockingly resigned from his position. He essentially outed himself to the world. 

Jerry volunteered to testify in a Kentucky court, claiming that he was guilty of interacting with two women at two separate times, whose services he paid for with personal checks. Rumors have since flown that one of those checks bounced, adding insult to injury. Jerry denies these claims. I mean, come on, a bounced check? Please, stick with the sex workers. Jerry dealt with the aftermath quietly out of the political realm, but in a shocking move, ran to reclaim his seat on the council.

Jerry didn’t stop there. After regaining his seat on the city council in 1975, he ran for mayor and won that seat as well. In 1982, he won the race for Governor of Ohio. Perhaps it was this balance between his scandal and his ability to move and groove in the political scene in the aftermath that made him such an ideal talk-show host. Jerry went on to host the highly successful “The Jerry Springer Show” from 1991 to 2018.

3 Tiger Woods and Many, Many Women

Pro Golf golden boy Tiger Woods seemingly had it all. Wildly talented with an astoundingly successful career, large endorsements and brand partnerships, a loving family… But it just wasn’t enough for the young star. On November 27, 2009, his fortune came crashing down around him. You don’t know what you got, am I right?

It was this day that Woods crashed his Escalade just outside of his home shortly after taking pain medication. This crash brought out the press sniffing around for a scandal. Seek, and ye shall find, soon enough, an alleged mistress was releasing text messages and voicemails sent by the professional athlete. She wasn’t the only one coming forward with accusations of an affair, however. The women who revealed themselves were waitresses and nightclub staff, to models and adult film actresses. 

The once-revered golfer attempted to deal with the scandal behind closed doors but eventually released several statements in which he publicly acknowledged his indiscretions and apologized for his actions. Woods lost sponsorships and brand deals and ultimately stepped away from his career and public scrutiny to focus on therapy and repairing his marriage. While that worked for some time, the pro and his wife announced a divorce in 2010. That same year Woods returned to golf, but due to the resulting injuries of the car crash, he never again regained the height as in his early career.

2 NXIVM Cult or Self-Help Club?

NXIVM was originally founded in 1998 under the premise of being a self-help and fulfillment group for young, wealthy professionals. Touting secretive classes called “Executive Success Programs,” high-profile entrepreneurs, business people, and even children of political figures began flocking to the community. Using non-disclosure agreements, NXIVM was able to operate with utmost secrecy in terms of the content of its seminars and teachings.

It wasn’t until 2017 that allegations of an internal secret subsect called “Dominus Obsequious Sororium” surfaced. This internal group was comprised entirely of women. They were physically branded in a secret ceremony and operated under the premise that they were part of a mentorship program. The fake mentorship program’s premise was that senior women would take younger, dedicated female members under their wing. This was, in fact, a lie. The symbol branded onto these women’s skin was not simply a sign that they had been initiated, but rather the founder’s initials. This was unknown to the women involved at the time of their branding.

The women in the group were required to be on standby for founder Keith Raniere’s whims and desires. Some accusations against the group include weight requirements, sexual abuse, and waiting nude for the founder. They were made to film sexually explicit videos, and then the group held these videos against them as blackmail. Once exposed, Keith Raniere was arrested on charges of sex trafficking and sex trafficking conspiracy. They also snagged him for conspiracy to commit forced labor. He was sentenced to 120 years in prison for his crimes against women. NXIVM has since gone down in the books as one of America’s most notorious cults.

1 Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky

What would a list about sex scandals be if we left out the most famous sex scandal in American history? This scandal stands out against the political landscape because this is the first scandal where the Internet played a big role. Compared to today, the news was slower to circulate, and public opinion was relatively muted. But the Internet completely changed that.

Monica Lewinsky was a young intern serving in the Clinton administration. During this time, it became apparent that she was spending a great deal of time with the former president. As a result, she was transferred to work in the Pentagon. However, when Lewinsky began discussing her torrid affair with a coworker, that coworker began recording the conversations secretly (what a terrible confidante). They turned over the tapes to an investigator who was already working on a harassment case against the president. These tapes fueled media frenzy.

Once news broke, Clinton denied any affair with Lewinsky, famously stating, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.” It wasn’t until he faced impeachment and was under oath that he readily admitted his wrongdoings. In the following years, Monica faced intense backlash and scrutiny from the public. She has since turned become an advocate against cyberbullying and harassment.

Sex and cinema go together like eggplant emojis and sexting. The relations between a man and woman on screen—or a man and a man, a woman and two men, or Kal Penn and a bag of weed—have been a mainstay among our favorite moving images ever since the release of Gustav Machatý’s Erotikon (1929), which is one of the earliest non-pornographic depictions of sex on the silver screen (a label often misattributed to the director’s 1933 feature Ekstase).

From Dr. No to Shortbus, directors and actors have surprised us for decades with all the ways the horizontal shuffle can be brought to life on a 40-foot screen. But these scenes are not always the mood-lit, sweat-drenched, sex-positive Valentine’s Day fodder we might want them to be. Sometimes they represent real life a little too well, with their awkward moments and mis-starts, and sometimes filmmakers just make it all a bit… well, weird. So strap in and saddle up; it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Related: 10 Sexually Explicit Films Featuring Children

10 Lucy & The Wolf
Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

The tale of Count Dracula has found its way to the screen and page in many forms since Bram Stoker’s trailblazing gothic horror novel was released in 1897. However, few adaptations have seen greater success than Francis Ford Coppola’s 1992 feature film, starring Gary Oldman as the Count, Winona Ryder as Mina Harker, and Anthony Hopkins as Van Helsing. A steamy yet often misguided epic vampire feature, the film’s sex appeal suffered from several issues, not least that Oldman and Ryder did not get along.

Lucy Westenra (Sadie Frost), Mina’s patron, is young, attractive, and seemingly the perfect plaything for Dracula, who gradually closes in upon Mina’s life, believing her to be the reincarnation of Elisabeta, his beloved wife from the 15th century. Ensnared by Dracula’s seductive nature, Lucy is drawn to him in the night during a thunderstorm—so far, so sexy. Unfortunately, Dracula has ditched his hot young Gary Oldman form for the guise of a great hulking werewolf. He takes Lucy in the rain on a stone bench, much to Mina’s—and our—disgust. The wolf writhes between the young woman’s legs before biting her neck and draining a few quarts of blood.^[1]

Twilight, this is not. Having said that…

9 Sea Sex
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 (2011)

The openly Mormon sexual squeamishness of Stephenie Meyer’s hit teen book series Twilight transitioned surprisingly well to the screen with Catherine Hardwicke’s indie-tinged first entry in 2008, and so became one of the storytelling cornerstones of the franchise. Unfortunately, this meant the will-they-won’t-they love triangle between Kristen Stewart’s Bella, Robert Pattinson’s Edward, and Taylor Lautner’s Jacob was played on the surface for the bulk of the films, grounded in a whole lot of lip biting and sullen stares.

Nevertheless, things came to a head in the first of the fourth film’s two parts, where a newlywed Bella and Edward finally relent and get down and dirty in a scene that initially earned the movie an R rating and had to be reshot and toned down for the teenaged audience.

But, before their infamous bed-destroying scene, the pair decided the best place to consummate their love was…the sea. First-times can be awkward at the best of times, without sand and salt and those little fish that can get in anywhere. Somehow, the unironically named director Bill Condon decided this was the spot to kick things off in an unsurprisingly frigid scene that left everyone cold—especially Pattinson and Stewart.^[2]

8 “It’s Turkey Time…Gobble, Gobble.”
Gigli (2003)

The much-maligned Gigli is a prime example of just how unsexy studio interference can be. Seeking to cash in on Ben Affleck and J.Lo’s relationship, Revolution Studios wrested creative control from director Martin Brest. They turned what should have been a straightforward crime piece into a reconstructed romantic comedy.

Midway through the film, Ben Affleck’s Larry Gigli confesses his love for J.Lo’s lesbian Ricki and proceeds to have sex with her (something he has form in from Kevin Smith’s Chasing Amy). The sex itself is neither interesting nor noteworthy but is condemned by the line preceding it; the head-scratching scene in question is led into by the timeless quote, “It’s turkey time…gobble, gobble.” It may be funny, but it sure as heck ain’t sexy.^[3]

7 Mom, Dad & the Dorm Room
American Pie 2 (2001)

The American Pie series was founded on the scenario of dorky young guys trying to get laid and has come a long way since, transitioning into adults trying to get laid and straight-to-video Z-listers trying to get laid. Their sexcapades and misadventures have spanned four main films and five spin-offs, all capped by the original movie’s infamous pie scene itself, which took a whopping six hours to shoot and might well be on this list—if it actually counted.

There are so many awkward and unsexy moments across the series it is tough to choose just one, but the opening sequence of American Pie 2 really takes the biscuit. At the end of his first year of college, Jim Levenstein (Jason Biggs) is just getting into the swing of things with one lucky lady when disaster strikes. The pair manage to get her legs up when they are interrupted by Jim’s dad (an ever-funny Eugene Levy) and a six-pack, followed swiftly by Jim’s mom, the girl’s parents, and, of course, a pie.^[4]

6 On the Photocopier
Filth (2013)

As the author of Trainspotting, we know Irvine Welsh’s writing and sex appeal go together like heroin and a family holiday. So, inevitably, Jon S Baird’s 2013 adaptation of Filth, Welsh’s infamous novel about a corrupt detective sergeant in Edinburgh’s police force, is not an erotic paradise.

Though the film and its jaded protagonist Bruce “Robbo” Robertson (James McAvoy) are preoccupied with sex of every kind—over the phone, for money, and even on the job—none of it has us hot and bothered. In what may be the least inspiring scene of all (and it’s a close competition), Robbo goes all out with the office secretary at the Christmas party. With her bent over a photocopier and him thrusting away from behind, the scene is shot from a single front angle, bestowing on it a seedy lack of sensuality. And, if the sight of McAvoy’s weather-beaten grimaces—which he drank half a bottle of whiskey a night to achieve—wasn’t enough, it is accompanied by some evocatively slushy sound design.^[5]

5 Animal Lust
Raw (2016)

Young love at college in an indie arthouse film—how could this be anything but romantic? Raw, by recent Palme d’Or winner Julia Ducournau, is here to show you.

Garance Marillier’s veterinary student Justine finds herself given over to an increasing swell of cannibalistic urges during her first year at college. After being rejected by several of her peers for her strange behavior, Justine has sex with her gay, male roommate Adrien (Rabah Nait Oufella). And all seems to be going well—for such an odd pairing, anyway—until she is taken by an animal urge.

Biting at Adrien’s neck, Justine has to be pulled back and restrained as she thrashes, caught in the throes of blood lust. Eventually, she relents, taking her own arm in her mouth and draining a stream of blood. Not only did this quell audiences’ erotic interest, but Raw also proved to be so full-on that ambulances were summoned for sickened patrons at its Cannes screening.^[6]

4 Sex with the Creator
Splice (2009)

Vincenzo Natali’s Splice may have been marketed as Alien for the next generation, but it is so much stranger, with an eerily sexual undertone building throughout that possesses all the subtlety absent from the xenomorph’s phallic anatomy.

Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley’s genetic engineers Clive and Elsa—an obvious homage to Colin Clive and Elsa Lanchester in 1935′s Bride of Frankenstein—produce a human-animal hybrid by mating their lab’s other creations, all in the name of science. Their fleshy, sub-human creation, Dren (Delphine Chanéac), hits puberty in a flash and soon begins exhibiting carnivorous tendencies—and the chilling ability to influence others with her pheromones.

Left alone for a little too long, Clive is chemically seduced by his creation. Given Clive has been raising Dren as a daughter, what follows is uncomfortable at best and, at worst, encompasses bestiality and attempted murder. Elsa interrupts the pair, and it is all over not so long after it has begun—a small mercy.^[7]

3 Seducing the Stepbrother
Teeth (2007)

Mitchell Lichtenstein’s Teeth is a rallying cry against the chastity and abstinence community in America, centered around a young woman coming into sexual maturity. Though this sounds like the tagline for a liberal sex odyssey, Teeth is anything but and had audiences giggling, squirming, and gagging in the aisles before it even hit the silver screen.

The premise of the film is that vagina dentata (exactly as it sounds) is not an urban myth. The story follows a Catholic schoolgirl struck by the titular affliction. Beset by lecherous men, Jess Weixler’s Dawn spends most of the film navigating the unwanted sexual advances of friends, authority figures, and siblings, with her “special power” gradually becoming apparent.

In one of the grislier scenes toward the end of the film, Dawn takes charge of her own sexual identity and sets her sights on vengeance against her negligent and aggressive stepbrother Brad (John Hensley). She agrees to go to bed with him and, just when things are really picking up, Dawn uses her dentata to relieve Brad of his favorite toy. Adding insult to injury, Dawn then discharges Brad’s member on the floor for his dog to consume, spitting out the jewelry when it is finished.^[8]

2 The Butter
Last Tango in Paris (1972)

Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider get hot and heavy in Bernardo Bertolucci’s 1972 “romantic” drama” about divorced American Paul (Brando) and his exploration of Parisian promiscuity. Following the suicide of his wife, Paul meets Jeanne (Schneider) in a rented Paris apartment, and the pair embark on an anonymous sexual tryst, sharing nothing personal between them but an uncomfortable quantity of bodily fluids. This all builds up to a climactic—and now infamous—sex scene.

Brando was already in his late forties, though he could easily have passed for a decade older, and nothing about his red turtleneck or Tweety Pie voice screams eroticism—and that’s without mentioning the butter. In an intensely uncomfortable scene, Paul straddles Jeanne on the floor of the apartment, employs butter as a lubricant, and then twitches around on top of her for what feels far longer than the two and a half minutes the scene plays out for.

To make matters worse, Schneider and Bertolucci have both since said the butter was unscripted and was sprung upon the female lead on the day, in an effort to make her performance seem more authentic…^[9]

1 Slow Motion Seduction
Antichrist (2009)

For such a deeply unsexy film, Lars von Trier’s Antichrist contains an awful lot of sex. This arthouse psychological horror is not for the faint-hearted. It stars Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg as an unnamed married couple struggling with the loss of their son.

The initial black and white sex scene is shot in super-sensual slow motion, intercut with graphic shots of their parts in action, the angle and lighting for which are vomit-inducing rather than erotic. And while, in this age of movie wizardry, we might assume these shots were digitally produced, they are, in fact, the real deal, featuring Gainsbourg with a male porn star.

The tension builds, and a palpable sense of foreboding moves with the couple from the shower into their bedroom, disturbing children’s playthings as they go, grinding their way toward the accidental death of their infant child.^[10]