Religion, retail therapy, a meat-free diet—the Internet is full of people trying to shill “cures” for depression with all the grace of a salesman hawking his last bottle of snake oil. Google “ways to be happy” and you’ll find a million lists reassuring you that all it takes to reach nirvana is a cup of green tea and plenty of fish. Aside from the fact that depression is far too complex to be treated with something as dumb as, say, getting a new pet, most of these so-called cures aren’t even cures at all. In fact, there’s a very real chance that they’re making things worse.

10 Having Lots Of Sex

Having a great sex life is supposed to be the high score bonus on the game of life. Not only are you obviously charming, attractive, and witty enough to be bedding a string of supermodels, you’re also having lots of really good sex. So let’s say you looked at the psychological makeup of a modern Casanova, what would you expect to find?

How about a seething mass of anxiety and depression? A recent study surveyed 3,900 college students about their mental well-being as well as their tendency to leap into bed with strangers. They found elevated levels of anxiety, social anxiety, and depression among those who frequently engaged in casual sex.

Before you all write in complaining we’ve ruined yet another pastime for you, we should point out that this is a bit of a “chicken and egg” scenario—the researchers didn’t determine whether sex caused depression or depression triggered a desire to lose yourself in sex. Whichever way around it is, it means there’s a very real possibility that Hugh Hefner is the most miserable man on Earth.

9 Being Filthy Rich

Right after “an incredible sex life,” the second thing most of us would probably wish for if we ever met a genie is to be absolutely, stinking rich. After all, money may not be able to buy happiness, but it sure makes misery a lot more comfortable, right?

Sorry, wrong again. We’ve all heard the horror stories about the lottery winners who wound up utterly miserable, but current research suggests even those who start out rich are prone to mental illness. Specifically, children of parents earning over $159,000 a year have been found dangerously prone to anxiety, depression, self-harm, and drug abuse. Only kids from the very poorest families were found to be more at risk than these real-life Richie Rich’s, so what’s going on?

It comes down to the sort of people who are likely to wind up earning over $150,000 a year—highly motivated, ruthlessly driven types with little time for failure in others. In other words, the exact sort of people who are likely to gift to their children a great big bag of neuroses from their first Little League game onward. All this pressure to do well and become a major stockbroker like Daddy manifests itself in a crippling fear of failure.

8 Being Vegetarian

While it may not quite rank up there with winning the lottery or being chased by crowds of screaming groupies, a vegetarian diet is thought of as shorthand for “wholesome and healthy.” By circumnavigating the excess fat and cancer-giving properties of meat, vegetarians seem to be in an ideal position to live long, happy lives making tie-dye shirts and voting Democrat and whatnot—except science suggests otherwise.

A recent German study analyzed the diets and mental health of 4,000 participants using people from all walks of life. The results were surprising, to say the least. Vegetarians were more likely to suffer from anxiety, hypochondria, depression, and even stuff like body dysmorphia than their meat-eating counterparts.

This wasn’t just a mild statistical anomaly, either—the study participants were twice as likely to be mentally ill as the general population, and three times more likely than the study control group. Again, no one’s sure if vegetarianism causes all this misery, or if miserable people are just more likely to ditch the meat, but if you’ve ever needed a scientifically-backed excuse to justify your five-steak-a-day habit, this is it.

7 Not Getting Drunk

Alcohol and depression go together like Glenn Beck and populist extremism. Aside from being a depressant, our favorite liquid drug is also highly addictive, incredibly damaging to the body, and more socially damaging than even crack or heroin. It makes sense to assume, then, that teetotalers will be free from the fog of guilt and misery that binge-drinkers are forced to wade through every Saturday morning. Well, prepare to be shocked.

A Norwegian study recently compared the mental health and drinking habits of an astonishing 38,000 people. Although the research team found that heavy drinking corresponded to high levels of anxiety, the opposite was true of depression. The respondents who exercised rigorous self-control were apparently less happy than those who woke up each morning in a pool of vomit.

The theory goes that those who never drink but live in “drinking cultures” are less likely to forge strong social bonds with people than those who are happy to relax a little with a beer. While we’d never recommend that anyone do a Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, it does seem that total abstinence is a recipe for disaster.

6 Being Religious

We’re used to thinking of religion as a great comfort. After all, when little Timmy’s dog dies, is he gonna feel better hearing that he’s now in doggy heaven, or that he’s a cold and lifeless husk you’ll probably throw out with the trash? For all atheists like to find fault with all aspects of it, surely religion at least has a net effect on happiness.

It’s a nice thought, but that’s sadly all it is. A study published earlier this year followed 8,000 people from different religions, countries, and socioeconomic backgrounds for over six months and charted their vulnerability to depression. It found that the more strongly religious someone was, the more likely they were to experience major depression. At the same time, those whose beliefs changed during the course of the study were also assessed. The ones who dumped their religion to become atheists generally got happier, the ones who dumped their atheism to become religious generally got sadder. On almost every criteria, the devout were shown as being worse off than those who were either secular or “weakly” religious. In short, it seems that any faith claiming to be a path to happiness is unfortunately mistaken.

5 Playing Sports

Exercise is supposed to have a positive effect on the brain, and team sports are surely good for at least making friends and feeling part of a group. So what’s all this nonsense about sport causing depression?

Specifically, researchers looked into the mental health of current and former college athletes and found that those still “in the game” were up to twice as likely to be depressed as those who had graduated. In their hypothesis, the researchers stated that they expected to find former stars—now deprived of their teammates, coaches, and the thrill of the game—struggling with major depression. But their findings suggested the complete opposite.

Like the rich kids one above, it more than likely comes down to the insane pressure college athletes are under. Aside from having to deal with studying, they’ve also got to play their best, not let their team down, and try to reach the very top—all goals that can cause major stress if missed. In spite of what common sense may tell you, sport is no more a guaranteed key to happiness than, say—buying a new pair of Levi’s.

4 Going Shopping

You’ve probably heard of “retail therapy,” the idea that the best way to unwind from a stressful week is to go and splurge your paycheck on a really expensive pair of shoes. It’s a staple of consumerism, the driving force behind stuff like Christmas and 80 percent of all Sex and the City storylines—and according to science, it’s making you totally miserable.

A recent study in the Netherlands followed 2,500 people over six years to gauge their shopping habits and happiness. They found that materialistic people were more likely to be lonely, because shopping creates a “loop of loneliness” that makes them more depressed the more they do it.

The problem comes down to our culture of consumerism. Thanks to decades of advertising, we’re taught to associate certain values with certain products. When we’re unable to afford one of these items or have to spend more than we should to get it, we wind up feeling anxious, isolated from our peers, and miserable. It turns out that retail therapy is less cathartic and more systematically destroying any chance you have at happiness.

3 Listening To Music

It’s not uncommon to hear nostalgic music critics talking about the song or album “that saved their life.” It’s a feeling everyone can understand—that moment when you hear a snatch of song that somehow reminds you that things aren’t quite as crappy as they often seem. Therefore, it can come as a bit of a shock to learn listening to music can apparently make you prone to depression.

In 2011, a University of Pittsburgh study categorized teens by the amount of time they spent listening to music and compared it to their mental well-being. They found that for every increased level of listening, their risk of depression increased by 80 percent. This is almost the exact opposite effect that reading had, with teens becoming 50 percent less likely to be miserable with each level of increased reading time. In fact, music was found to be the pastime most linked with depression, beating out even TV in the sadness stakes.

Why would this be? Are all the teens in Pittsburgh listening to non-stop Radiohead or something? Well, that’s the thing—we don’t know. Perhaps modern music is just too consistently miserable, or perhaps depressed teenagers are simply more likely to try to escape through music. All we can say for sure is that the bouncy guy on the bus with happy hardcore blaring out his earphones is probably more depressed than the girl sat next to him reading the collected works of Franz Kafka.

2 Voting Democrat

According to The New York Times, conservatives are measurably happier than liberals and have been for years. A 2006 Pew study found self-professed conservatives were 68 percent more likely than left-leaning Democrats to say they were “very happy,” with single, childless liberals being the most miserable of all. A similar partisan happiness gap has been consistently reported for decades (LINK 16). In other words, the simple fact that you’d take Ronald Reagan over Bill Clinton means you’re less likely to be depressed.

So what causes all this liberal misery? Well, no one’s really sure. In 2008, Pew suggested it might be because Republicans are more likely to be rich and religious—a statement that flatly contradicts two items in our list so far. Others have claimed conservatives simply have a sunnier outlook, while yet others have noted that liberals are statistically less likely to get married.

However, before you GOP types start celebrating, you should be aware that there’s one type of liberal happier than you are. According to the same studies, people on the extreme left are happier than everyone except the craziest right-wing extremists, meaning that both the Tea Party and Occupy are enjoying life far more most of us in the middle.

1 Being Social On The Internet

Are you the type of person who will finish reading this, scroll down, and leave a comment? We’ve got some bad news—you’re objectively more likely to be lonely and miserable than the guy who just skims and moves on.

A recent study analyzed the Internet usage of a cohort of depressed and non-depressed people and found that unhappy people use the Internet differently from anyone else. Specifically, they were more likely to engage in peer-to-peer usage like sharing photos, music, and opinions through Facebook, chat rooms, and message boards. Healthy people, on the other hand, were less likely to obsessively check their email, spend time on social networks, and sit up late at night reading list-based articles.

This kind of goes against everything we think we know about the Internet. The whole social media interaction thing is supposed to make us less lonely and more connected—hence, everyone seeming to have more Facebook friends than there are people on the planet. However, a huge body of research suggests this view is outdated nonsense. So there you have it: The secret to happiness on the internet is to simply ignore all the angry idiots out there and get on with own thing. Who’d have thought it?

We live in a wondrous era. Hardships that once proved deadly to even the hardiest of our cave-dwelling ancestors are at most a mild inconvenience to modern man. We dominate the top of the food chain as the apex predators. We domesticated ourselves and learned to outwit many of nature’s hazards.^[1] In America, we’ve become rich enough to afford HD TVs in virtually every home and we have so much food that we’re getting fat. One would think this would usher in utopian levels of joy and prosperity. Somehow, that doesn’t seem to be happening for a lot of folks.

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There are plenty of discontent people these days, and men and women may be feeling it in different ways. On the female side of things, it’s becoming clear that women are pretty unhappy in general. Their antidepressant use is twice as high as men’s.^[2] The odd thing is that they are, in many ways, inadvertently doing this to themselves.

10 The Contraceptive Pill

Contraceptive pills are commonly used by women for more than just the obvious. They’re used to help regulate menstruation, reduce acne, and treat endometriosis, among other things. But those helpful little pills might not be all they’re cracked up to be. A new study shown at a meeting of the Radiological Society of North America revealed that women who were taking oral contraceptives had a significantly smaller hypothalamus – a part of the brain that helps regulate mood.^[3] One preliminary finding was that smaller hypothalamic volume correlates with depressive symptoms. If this holds true after more studies and analyses, the pill might have to be replaced.

9 College And Education

A woman’s advancement in higher education is typically considered to be a great and noble endeavor. After all, they haven’t always been free to smarten up like their male counterparts (and in many parts of the world still aren’t). However, all those long nights of studying and hard work may not be benefiting their mental health. Female students are more likely to experience anxiety^[4] and stress.^[5] They also tend to go for more people-oriented majors like teaching,^[6] psychology, and social work, which lands them careers with generally lower market value (pay) than for those who venture into STEM fields. And while money doesn’t necessarily buy happiness, it certainly helps.

8 Pets Over Children

Over the millennia, women have fine-tuned nurturing instincts that make them fantastic at caring for infants and toddlers. In terms of evolution, it makes perfect sense since kids are basically needy danger magnets, and someone’s got to care for them. These instincts, however, are being diverted away from the needs of children to pets.^[7] To parallel this phenomenon, women are also having less kids.^[8] While dogs and cats might be great additions to the family, the more recent fad of would-be moms taking to them as “fur babies” overlooks one simple fact: pets don’t last.^[9] Their companionship is very limited compared to having an actual child and they don’t provide much useful support to an aging retiree beyond their mere presence. Who will take care of “dog moms” when they are old and their surrogate children are gone? Probably not the government, since they’re going broke.^[10]

7 Alcohol Abuse

While booze could be considered a social lubricant and a reprieve from one’s sorrows, everyone knows the dangers of overconsumption; sickness, impairment, addiction, and liver damage. Hangovers are also less than fun. Alcoholism can be quite the curse, especially for the ladies,^[11] as they have experienced a more than 83% increase in alcohol abuse disorder rates from 2002-2013. Women who abuse alcohol can also suffer infertility as a result, and 18% of women who are of child-bearing age binge drink. However, wine producers are presumably enjoying the business.

6 Working 9–5

Women entering the workforce and competing with men is a testament to how much their place in society has changed in the modern age. They have much more control over the course their lives take. However, the decision (now a necessity for many) to work rather than embrace the traditional role of homemaker has had some unintended consequences for women trying to balance this relatively new paradigm with motherhood. A 2009 survey found that 62% of working moms would rather work part-time and only 21% of adults said the growing trend of women with young children working outside the home was a good thing.^[12] A Gallup poll found that in six different job characteristics,^[13] female workers are 8-12% less satisfied than male workers.

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5 Sexual Freedom

Our attitude toward premarital sex has drastically changed in the U.S. and across the western world. These days it is much more accepted and is somewhat the norm. For women, the results of promiscuity are pretty catastrophic. There’s the obvious increased potential to contract STDs and get pregnant, but what isn’t so well-known is the effect on marriage stability.^[14] The more sexual partners a woman has, the more likely she is to divorce, should she ever get married. Virgins only have a divorce rate of about 5%, while having just two partners brings it up to 30%. For women that sleep around, they will likely have a harder time staying happily married when the time comes to settle down.

4 Delaying Motherhood

While becoming a mom isn’t at the top of every woman’s dream board, it’s certainly a priority for many. And since their pursuit of such an endeavor is the whole reason humanity keeps trundling along through the generations, we should be glad. For some ladies, though, the time they are willing to make a nest and raise children is being pushed back to as late as their forties.^[15] By waiting so long, they face a higher risk for miscarriage and birth defects.^[16] When women age and hit the wall in their thirties, the quality and quantity of their eggs rapidly declines,^[17] which may ultimately leave them infertile should they delay too long.

3 Getting Divorced

Virtually every marriage begins with the notion that it will last forever. Newlyweds are often optimistic about their futures. Unfortunately, love isn’t always as powerful as people think. Though divorce rates in the U.S. are falling over time, marriage rates are as well.^[18] Women initiate 69% of divorces,^[19] which would suggest they are generally ending up better off for doing so, but that isn’t the case. First marriages have about a 41% chance of divorce, while second marriages see an increase to 60%. Third marriages don’t get any better as they have a 73% failure rate. When a woman ends her first marriage, she is statistically unlikely to ever find her happily ever after. And while men tend to experience more strain in the short term after a divorce, women experience longer term strain once their marriages end, as their risk of poverty increases.^[20] Married couples are also more satisfied with their lives than divorced or single people.^[21]

2 Losing Their Religion

Religiosity used to be pretty common in America. In a lot of places, going to church on Sundays was seen as just part and parcel of participating in one’s community. It wasn’t uncommon for members of the same religious affiliation to get together for banquets, holidays, and charity work. And for some folks that is still a reality. But that is rapidly changing for much of the U.S. Faithful Americans are becoming less and less numerous by the day,^[22] which could be bad news as religious people tend to be happier.^[23] Women might be facing the greatest effects of this change, since they are usually more religious than men (especially in Christianty).^[24] Researchers found that women tend to feel a sense of existential security in religion, which is fading from their lives.^[25]

1 Social Media Menace

Social media can be addictive,^[26] and it’s only gotten more popular over the years.^[27] After all, who doesn’t like showing off cool vacation photos and scrolling through memes in the bathroom? Statistically, women are especially fond of using it, as they like to browse photo-heavy platforms like Facebook and Instagram.^[28] They are social creatures, after all.^[29] However, this newfound ability to keep up with everybody’s personal business 24/7 might not be such a good thing. A study on social media use in Sweden found that women who spend more time on Facebook are less happy.^[30] Another showed that using more social media platforms was associated with symptoms of depression and anxiety,^[31] which women are more prone to than men.^[32]

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Arguably one of the most famous rulers to have ascended to any throne in human history was Tutankhamun (1341–1323 BC). What sets the 11th Pharaoh of Egypt apart from many others is that he rose to power before his tenth birthday. After a nine-year rule over Egypt, Tutankhamun is suspected of having died of either malaria or another infection.

History tells of many other rulers who were crowned heads of their respective territories before reaching the age of majority. Like the young King Tut, these child rulers saw not only their reigns but also their lives come to a startlingly and tragic early end.

10 Lungtok Gyatso, Ninth Dalai Lama (1805–1815)

The Ninth Dalai Lama, Lungtok Gyatso, was born in 1805 in a little village called Dan Chokhor in Kham, Tibet. Interestingly, a number of sources list Lungtok’s parents as Tenzin Choekyong and Dhondup Dolma, although many sources state that he was, in fact, an orphan. Lungtok was selected over another to be the reincarnation of the Eighth Dalai Lama, Jampel Gyatso.

Around the time of his reign, major regional power shifts took place. The Qing Dynasty struggled to retain power and influence in Tibet, and Tibetan leadership and aristocrats were at odds with Qing officials. The selection of the Dalai Lama was overseen by a Qing official, something that was contested by some Tibetan leaders. This was because the Qianlong Emperor mandated that selection be made from a golden urn supplied by the emperor, effectively giving control of the selection process to the Qing dynasty. The Tibetans managed to forego using the urn after the emperor announced his retirement. At the tonsure ceremony in 1808, the child was given the name Lobzang Tenpai Wangchuk Lungtok Gyatso. He took the throne at the end of that year.

In 1815, Gyatso, who was described as having sharp intellect, taking great interest in dharma, and memorizing lengthy prayers, allegedly fell ill with a cold. It is also reported that the Ninth Dalai Lama was actually assassinated due to the turmoil that ensued during the time of his reign. Notably, the three Dalai Lamas who followed all died young, raising suspicions that they were also murdered.^[1]

9 Alexander IV of Macedon (323–309 BC)

Having to follow in very large footsteps, Alexander IV of Macedon was born in 323 BC, the son of Alexander the Great, after his father died in Babylon the same year. Alexander IV’s rise to the throne was neither immediate nor easy. The young king’s uncle, Arridaeus (who also went by Phillip), succeeded his brother as king but was soon found to be mentally incapable of acting as ruler. The regent to Arridaeus, Perdiccas, campaigned to put a hold on selecting a new successor in an effort to hold onto power and influence for himself. His efforts were met with a lot of resistance, however, and Alexander IV was born soon after.

Perdiccas was killed in 320 BC, and the then-guardian of the royal family, Antipater, was later killed in 319 BC. Antipater’s son, Cassander, plotted his way to the regency, forcing Roxane to flee Epirus with her young son and Polyperchon (a family guardian). There, the pair united with Olympias, the mother of Alexander the Great. Alexander IV’s status as successor and true king to the Macedonian throne was realized after Olympias retook Macedon and was named regent. In 316 BC, Cassander eventually managed to besiege and execute Olympias, and Cassander was accepted as regent.

In an effort to end the Third Diadoch War in 311 BC, a peace treaty that recognized Alexander IV’s rights and claim to the throne was established. Cassander, however, decided not to honor the treaty and imprisoned the young king and his mother in the citadel of Amphipolis. In 309 BC, the then thirteen-year-old king and his mother were assassinated by poisoning.^[2]

8 Ptolemy XIII, Theos Philopator (62–47 BC)

In 51 BC, the father of twelve-year-old Ptolemy XIII and his older and more famous sister, Cleopatra VII, died. In the wake of his father’s death, Ptolemy was named senior ruler by the de facto regent, Pothinus, much to the dismay of co-ruler Cleopatra. Under the influence of Roman general Pompey the Great, Pothinus, and Theodotus, Ptolemy’s strong-willed older sister was eventually expelled from Egypt in 48 BC.

Not long after her expulsion, Cleopatra wielded an Arab army to help her siege the Egyptian city of Pelusium, sparking a civil war with her brother. Pompey, unfortunately, sealed his fate after losing to Julius Caesar at the Battle of Pharsalus in Greece. To win the favor of Caesar, Ptolemy set a trap for Pompey in Alexandria and ambushed him.

There in Alexandria, a peace treaty was attempted between the warring siblings but failed to produce a positive outcome. While the siblings were detained by Caesar, Pothinus pushed their youngest sister Arsinoe to the forefront and took Alexandria. Arisinoe, however, did not get along with the heads of the Egyptian forces and was successfully offered in exchange for Ptolemy. The young king was no match for Caesar and was defeated in battle. While running for his life, Ptolemy drowned, and Caesar asserted his dominance over Egypt.^[3]

7 Emperor Antoku (1178–1185)

On December 22, 1178, Tokohito was born in Kyoto, Japan, to Emperor Takakura and his wife, Tokuko. The emperor’s son was named Crown Prince soon after his birth that same year. Although Tokohito took the throne a few years later in 1180 under the Taira clan at the tender age of two, it was his grandfather and warrior Taira Kiyomori who had sway and held control over the government. Tokohito took the name Antoku Tennō as the 81st emperor of Japan.

In 1183, the Taira clan was forced out of Kyoto City by men under the control of Minamoto Yoshinaka. Antoku and his clan eventually made their way to Yashima, where they would establish a temporary palace. Here, Minamoto and Antoku’s clans clashed in the Battle of Yashima. The shame of defeat caused Antoku to flee to the sea.

Two years later, the clans waged war against each other in the Battle of Dannoura, where the Taira clan would once again taste defeat and ruin at the hands of Minamoto’s naval fleet. Rather than die at the hands of the Minamoto fleet, many of the Taira clan’s commanders and fighters committed suicide by throwing themselves into the sea. Antoku’s grandmother followed suit, taking not only two of the three imperial regalia with her but the young emperor as well. Antoku and his grandmother plunged into the sea and drowned.^[4]

6 Peter II of Russia (1715–1730)

The grandson of Peter I the Great, Pyotr Alekseyevich was born in 1715 in St. Petersburg, Russia. Sadly, Pyotr’s mother died only 10 days after giving birth to him. Peter I’s son from his second marriage, Tsarevitch Peter Petrovitch, had died, making way for his grandson, Pyotr, to eventually become the Emperor of Russia. This was only made possible after a close adviser to Peter I and Catherine I, A.D. Menshikov, influenced Catherine to include young Pyotr in her will in 1727. Catherine I died, and Pyotr, who took the name Peter II, was declared emperor.

Menshikov wasted no time manipulating the young ruler once he had moved him into his house within the first few months of his reign. Peter II, who was promised to marry Menshikov’s daughter, was not pressed under the adviser’s thumb for much longer as he fell ill and was eventually exiled to Siberia by the aristocratic Dolgoruky family. Peter was instead betrothed to Yekaterina Alekseyevna Dolgorukaya in 1729. With a stroke of horrible luck, however, Peter II died of smallpox on the day set for the wedding. He was only fourteen years old.^[5]

5 Edward VI (1537–1553)

Sixteenth-century England fell prey to the rule of one of the most infamous and ruthless monarchs to have lived, Henry VIII, for more than 30 years. After his death in 1547, he was succeeded by his son, Edward VI. Because the king was a mere nine years of age, a council of nobles had the task of managing the affairs of the kingdom. This group included the king’s uncle, Edward Seymour—until he was overthrown by the Earl of Northumberland, John Dudley.

The political and religious climate at this time was one of Protestant reformation and economic instability. Furthermore, the king’s place as ruler was on rocky ground as the ambitious Northumberland moved to secure the future of his family by hastily marrying his son to Henry VIII’s great-niece, Lady Jane Grey, who was widely accepted by the people as heir to the throne. During this time, Edward VI was discovered to be suffering from tuberculosis. Edward, the last Tudor baby to be born, never married and died at the age of fifteen.^[6]

4 Emperor Zhao Bing (1272–1279)

Emperor Bing of Song, born Zhao Bing in 1272 to a concubine of Emperor Duzong, was destined to become the last emperor of China’s Song dynasty. Before holding the title of emperor, he was given the title “Prince of Xin” in 1274, after which it was changed to “Prince of Guang.”

Bent on conquest and glory, Mongol forces led by general Bayan took the Song capital of Lin’an and, with it, the then-Emperor Gong. Gong’s brothers, four-year-old Zhao Bing and Zhao Shi, fled to Jinhua with the help of their officials. There, Zhao Shi was named Grand Marshal, and his brother Zhao Bing, Vice Grand Marshal. By 1276, a seven-year-old Zhao Shi became the new Song emperor, Emperor Duanzong.

General Bayan was determined to rid China of any remaining Song dynasty members and led an attack on Southern China. The Song army hit a major roadblock in this fight as the young Emperor Duanzong would not live past 1278 due to illness. With low morale, the number of Song soldiers started to diminish. Lu Xiufu, one of the officials who previously helped the brothers escape peril, would once again step in and flee with Zhao Bing to Guangzhou, where he would eventually be named emperor.

Facing imminent defeat in 1279 at the hands of the Mongol naval forces, Lu Xiufu took the seven-year-old Emperor Zhao Bing to a cliff and plunged into the depths of the ocean together. With this act, the Song dynasty had come to a tragic end.^[7]

3 Alexios II Komnenos, Byzantine Emperor (1169–1183)

The life of Alexios II was a turbulent one. The future emperor was born in Constantinople (now Istanbul, Turkey) in 1169. Eleven years later, his father, Manuel I, died, leaving behind his son and Alexios II’s mother, Maria. Because it was determined that the new emperor, Alexios II, was too young to rule, his mother took up the regency alongside Alexios II’s cousin, who also shared the name Alexios.

Turmoil would soon follow as friends of Alexios II attempted a coup intended to secure the young emperor’s place on the throne. In response to the coup attempt, however, rioting took place in Constantinople, and the failed attempt was capitalized upon by Emperor Manuel’s first cousin, Andronikos Komnenos. Andronikos seized control of the Constantinople government, and a slaughter of thousands of Roman Catholic inhabitants ensued.

In a bid to eventually seize power for himself, Andronikos isolated Alexios II by killing his mother, older sister, and his cousin Alexios. What’s worse is that the young emperor was apparently made to forcibly sign off on the death warrants himself. By 1183, Andronikos made himself co-emperor. In October of that year, the plot to gain absolute power came to a head when Andronikos gave the order to assassinate Alexios II. He was strangled to death with a bowstring.^[8]

2 Edward V of England (1470–1483)

Edward was born at Westminster Abbey in 1470, a time when the War of the Roses raged on. In 1471, at a mere one year old, Edward was deemed Prince of Wales by his father, King Edward IV, who was living in Holland in exile at the time. The young prince lived a very strict and structured upbringing as dictated by his father. Receiving an education, exposure to religion, and having positive influences around him were the order of the day. A betrothal to the Duke of Brittany’s young daughter Anne was also arranged as a means of strengthening political and military ties. Sadly, this marriage union would never come to fruition.

At age twelve, Edward learned of the death of his father in April of 1483. The fallen king’s son became King Edward V soon after. The former king’s brother, Richard, Duke of Gloucester, was appointed Edward’s protector. Conflict soon arose between the protectorate and the royal council, which was mainly comprised of the family of Edward’s mother, the Woodvilles, who wanted the young king to take the throne right away. In reality, the Woodvilles wanted a regency for their own benefit instead of Edward V under the protection of the Duke of Gloucester.

The duke eventually arrested the Woodville leadership and took custody of Edward V and his younger brother, who were taken to the Tower of London. Gloucester later claimed that the marriage of the king’s father was not valid, and the king and his brother were illegitimate. On June 26, parliament declared Gloucester as King Richard III. The young monarch was ruler for a mere two months and seventeen days.

The disappearance of the young king and his brother is shrouded in a cloud of mystery. It is believed that they were murdered at the Tower of London after being held in heavily guarded captivity. Sir Thomas More later wrote that the young king and his brother were smothered to death. In 1674, two remains believed to be that of the boys were discovered by King Charles II and laid to rest at Westminster Abbey.^[9]

1 John I of France (1316)

John I of France goes down in French history as being the youngest to ever hold the title of king, having the shortest recorded reign in French history, and being the only French monarch to have reigned from the day of his birth to his last.

The only son of King Louis X and Clémence of Hungary was born in Paris on November 15, 1316. Because the child king was born after the death of King Louis X, he was known as “John the Posthumous” (Jean le Posthume).

Tragically, John I only lived to see five days on Earth and was dead on November 20. The infant was buried in Saint-Denis Basilica. It is speculated that John I was killed by his uncle and future king Philippe V as a means of gaining power and control of the throne for himself. Other rumors state that Philippe replaced the still-living child with a dead infant. This claim has never been proven. Decades later, a man claimed to be the supposed king John I but was swiftly detained, imprisoned in Naples, and died there.^[10]