Generations of children have enjoyed circuses; the death-defying acrobatics, wild animals, tight-rope-walkers, and clowns team up to entertain, intrigue, and dazzle the young crowd.

However, the life of a circus performer is not all successful stunts and cheering children. As these ten circus accidents demonstrate, life in the ring has seen its fair share of death and destruction as well.

We begin our list with a well-known tragedy—the execution of an elephant. On September 12, 1916, Mary trampled her handler, Red Eldridge, to death. There are various accounts of what led to the attack—from Eldridge prodding Mary with a stick and infuriating her to speculation that she was simply bored.

While Eldridge’s death was tragic and gruesome, Mary’s fate might be even more so. The people of Kingsport, Tennessee, demanded retribution for Eldridge’s death, so it was decided that Mary would hang for her crime. On September 13, a crowd of 2,500 people (mostly children) gathered to watch Mary’s execution. Mary was hung from the neck by an industrial crane. However, the chain around her neck snapped, and she slammed to the ground, breaking her hip. A heavier-gauge chain was used to hang Mary for a second time, and she swung for half an hour before being dumped in a hastily dug grave.

Cirque du Soleil has always been known for its extremely high levels of artistry and safety. Before 2013, the circus hadn’t suffered a fatal on-stage accident in its long history. Unfortunately, that record was broken by a terrible tragedy that occurred in Las Vegas during a performance of its Vegas staple, “Ka.”

Sarah Guyard-Guillot was a 31-year-old aerialist performing in the final battle scene of the show. She was wearing a motorized safety harness, but she ascended too quickly at one point and struck a catwalk above her. The cable jumped from the pulley wheel of the harness and was cut by a sharp edge. Guyard-Guillot fell more than 90 feet (27.4 meters) into an open pit below the stage while onlookers watched in confusion. She died of her injuries en route to the hospital. A new safety system was installed to lift performers more gradually, and the act eventually returned to the stage after a hiatus of 18 months. It’s still performed five nights a week at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas.

Massarti (Thomas MacCarte) was a bold, but rash, one-armed lion tamer.  On January 3, 1872, he was performing in Bolton, England with Manders’ Menagerie. For unknown reasons, a lion named Tyrant attacked him—and the three other lions in the act quickly joined in. Massarti was nearly scalped when a lion bit his head and was torn apart in front of several hundred witnesses.

The trapeze is undoubtedly one of the most dangerous circus acts around and requires a good deal of strength and flexibility. All the training in the world, however, cannot prevent a mechanical failure. In 1872, Fred Lazelle and Billy Millson, two famous trapeze artists, crashed to the ground when their trapeze mechanism failed. George North, a gymnast, was unfortunately beneath the trapeze when it fell. All three men were injured; Millson likely broke his ribs, and North suffered internal injuries.

Another tragedy to befall circus workers comes from a dark chapter in American history.  On June 14, 1920, the James Robinson Circus arrived in Duluth, Minnesota. Nineteen-year-old Irene Tusken and eighteen-year-old James Sullivan watched African-American circus workers load the circus wagons. Later that night, Tusken claimed that six of those circus employees had held her at gunpoint and raped her. The police quickly arrested six men in connection with the rape.

Shortly afterwards, a mob of between five thousand and ten thousand people formed, broke into the jail, and after a mock trial, declared Elias Clayton, Elmer Jackson, and Isaac McGhie guilty of the rape. The mob beat the men and dragged them to a light pole on the corner of First Street and Second Avenue East, where they were lynched.

The Flying Wallendas were an old circus family that consisted of Karl, his wife Helen Kreis, his brother Herman, and numerous other family members.  Karl Wallenda pioneered an act called the Seven-Person Chair Pyramid, in which seven people balanced on tightropes (and a chair) thirty-two feet in the air without the use of safety nets.

The Wallendas were undoubtedly excellent acrobats and daredevils; but in 1962, their act went horribly wrong. The lead man faltered, and three people crashed to the ground. Karl Wallenda’s son-in-law, Richard Faughnan, and Wallenda’s nephew, Dieter Schepp, were both killed. Wallenda’s adopted son, Mario, was paralyzed from the waist down.

Although there were no human fatalities, the Cleveland Circus Fire of 1942 was a horrific event that caused the deaths of over one hundred circus animals. A fire of unknown origin started near the menagerie tent of the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Spectators and circus workers easily escaped the flames, but the fire spread so quickly, it became impossible to save all of the animals.

Nine cages—filled with lions, tigers, and zebras—burst into flames. Some animals were able to escape the blaze, but twenty-six others were so badly burned they were put down by policemen with machine guns.

In 1903, two separate Wallace Brothers Circus trains crashed into each other. The first train had slowed to a halt on the railway tracks, and although the conductor of the second train saw the warning light, the brakes failed, and the two trains collided. In all, 30 circus workers were killed and another 27 injured. Several animals also died in the crash, including an Arabian horse, three camels, one great dane, and an elephant named Maud.

On June 22, 1918, the Hagenbeck-Wallace Circus was traveling via railroad to Hammond, Indiana. The train had stopped for the night, and many of the circus performers were asleep in the wooden train cars. At 4:00 am, a Michigan Central Railroad troop train slammed into the circus train at thirty-five miles per hour. The driver of the troop train, Alonzo Sargent, had fallen asleep at the wheel and so did not see the warnings posted about the stopped circus train.

As a result, 86 people died, and another 127 were injured.

This tragic event is arguably the most well-known on our list due to the scale of the fire and the extensive loss of life. On July 6, 1944, a small fire began in the southwest sidewall of the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey big top circus tent. Because the tent was water-proofed with paraffin wax and gasoline, the fire spread rapidly.

Understandably, the crowd of 7,000 spectators panicked and rushed towards the exits. But two of these exits were blocked by chutes used to bring in circus animals—and in the ensuing stampede, circus goers were trampled, crushed, and asphyxiated under the weight of fallen people. As the flames spread, other spectators simply burned to death or else died as a result of smoke inhalation. In a panic, some people tried leaping from the bleachers to avoid the fire; but this attempt to escape actually killed more people than it saved.

In the end, an estimated 169 people died, and more than seven hundred were injured.

We’re all prone to acts of laziness. Maybe we should be washing the dishes, but we’ve instead elected to get drunk and play foosball. Maybe we’re supposed to be writing another article for the list-based website we work at but have instead fallen asleep face-down in a plate of nachos. Whatever. The point is, every single one of us occasionally indulges our lazy side.

But there’s indulging your lazy side, and then there’s dedicating your life to extreme acts of procrastination. The following people all have one thing in common: They took one look at your average lazy person and decided, “I can do better . . . as soon as I can be bothered.”

10 The Oxford English Dictionary Outdated Itself Before Release

Compiling the Oxford English Dictionary (OED) was always going to be a monumental task. The last word on British English, the complete OED contains around 228,130 words spread over 20 volumes. When it first received a publishing contract in 1879, it was expected to take 10 whole years to compile. But those stumping up the money hadn’t counted on one fatal problem—the ability of academics to procrastinate like a total boss.

Five years into writing the OED’s first complete edition, the compilers had only gotten as far as the word “ant.” This should have been the wake-up call everyone needed to get them working harder. It wasn’t. Instead, 1889 came and went, and those involved were nowhere near the letter “z.” After 10 years, they’d barely edged out the start of the alphabet.

By the time someone finally sat down and wrote the entry for “Zzz,” the 19th century had ended, Queen Victoria had died, World War I had come and gone, jazz had stepped into existence, and the Wall Street Crash was about to hit. It was 1928, and the newly published complete OED was already out of date. Thanks to their epic bout of procrastination, the editors were forced to immediately get started on the second edition.

9 Jamestown’s Colonists Were Too Busy Partying For Executions

One of the guys who helped establish the colony at Jamestown, Virginia, John Smith was also the Englishman who first met Pocahontas, thereby ensuring Disney immortality for himself. He was also extremely unpopular. Twice during his time at Jamestown, his fellow colonists decided to execute him. Twice, they failed.

The first time, Smith escaped when his name was drawn from a locked box that had been sealed before setting sail from England. Those named were the colony’s new governors, and it was thought better to keep him alive. The second time, the lucky Brit escaped not through the divine machinations of fate or thanks to his own quick wits. He escaped because his executioners were too busy partying.

The only survivor of a Powhatan attack, Smith had been blamed and sentenced to hang. At the time, Jamestown was struggling to fend off mass starvation, and the idea of one less extra mouth to feed must’ve seemed pretty tempting. The night of the execution, the whole town gathered . . . only for 100 new settlers to suddenly arrive with much-needed supplies.

In the wild celebrations that followed, the colonists decided to defer Smith’s execution. Only, they never got round to carrying it out. Thanks to their party-hard tendencies, Smith survived to map 4,000 kilometers (2,500 mi) of territory, shaping future explorations of the New World.

8 Richard Sheridan Redefines Missing Deadlines

In the second half of the 18th century, Richard Sheridan was the toast of London. An Anglo-Irish playwright, Sheridan made his name with light comedies such as School for Scandal. He was almost as famous for his procrastination. Sheridan turned missing deadlines into a kind of extreme sport.

We don’t just mean he handed his manuscripts in late. We don’t even mean he handed his manuscripts in at the last possible second. We mean he handed his finished play to the actors for the first time while it was in the middle of being performed on opening night.

Sheridan had already finished the first two acts of School for Scandal and kept promising the actors that they’d get the rest. He kept promising even as he procrastinated, right up until opening night. When it was time to raise the curtain, and it became apparent that Sheridan really hadn’t finished the play, a borderline crazy plan was devised. Sheridan would keep writing as the play went on, rushing lines down to the actors waiting in the wings. So long as he could keep ahead of the performance, the audience would never know.

Incredibly, this ridiculous non-plan worked. School for Scandal became a massive hit, eventually inspiring the plays of Oscar Wilde.

7 The Crematorium Owner Who Made Laziness Terrifying

Imagine, for a moment, that you are a crematorium owner. Now also imagine that your crematorium has just broken. What do you do?

If you said, “Pay to have it fixed,” congratulations—you’re a sane human being. Ray Brent Marsh was evidently neither of those things. When the oven of his Georgia crematorium gave up the ghost in the late 1990s, Marsh decided that it’d be less of a hassle to just secretly bury the corpses in his backyard and give the families urns full of concrete dust so they wouldn’t notice.

That’s right: Marsh was so lazy that he preferred to do the much harder job of digging a pit and burying bodies than the much easier one of picking up the phone and ringing for a crematorium repair guy. He just didn’t just do this once or twice, either. When police finally raided the premises, they found over 320 sets of human remains that had essentially been left to rot. For his epic display of laziness, Marsh was sentenced to 12 years in prison. He’s expected to be released sometime in 2016.

6 Britain’s Laziest Prime Minister

In Britain, class is everything. It’s often said that you can be a talentless no-good, but if you’re born in the aristocracy, you’ll still do well. The case of 19th century prime minister Lord Melbourne proves this. Possibly the laziest man in history, Melbourne became PM by accident and then slept his way through seven years of British history.

In all his long life, Melbourne failed to do pretty much anything. Before becoming prime minister, he’d married the nightmarish Lady Caroline Ponsonby and stayed with her out of sheer lethargy. As he lazed around the house, Lady Caroline went out and had public affairs with men like Lord Byron and then wrote scandalous “tell-all” books about the sex they’d had right under her stupid husband’s nose. It took Lord Melbourne 20 years to get around to divorcing her.

His ascension to the highest office in Britain was no less auspicious. Lord Grey had turned down the post, and Lord Melbourne was the only man the House of Commons’s warring factions could agree on, precisely because he never did anything. In the post, Lord Melbourne spent every single meeting, debate, gathering, and sermon sleeping, usually snoring so loudly that others couldn’t hear themselves speak. Benjamin Disraeli said that he would “lounge away an Empire.” The only reason the lazy PM stayed in office so long was because he had the hots for Queen Victoria, and his post meant that she was obliged to frequently meet him. He was finally replaced in 1841, to the relief of the entire country.

5 The ISIS Jihadi Who Was Too Lazy to Fight

Members of ISIS are many despicable things (callous, cruel, genocidal, anti-Semitic, homophobic), but one thing they’re not is lazy. At least, most of them aren’t. In January 2015, middle-aged Abu Ali crossed from Turkey into Syria to join the death cult. Recruited as a potential jihadist, Ali turned out to be so lazy that he wound up costing the Islamic State money.

There’s a passage in the Quran where Muhammad quite clearly says that if a Muslim doesn’t want to fight, no one can make them. Ali had evidently taken this to heart. When ISIS accepted him into their ranks, Ali demanded a desk job. When they told him to shut up and wage some jihad, he waved the Quran verse at them. Suddenly, ISIS were stuck with a fat, middle-aged idiot whom their own interpretation of Islam forced them to care for.

Over the next few months, Ali chilled out in Syria, watching Rambo on TV and getting fat off the ISIS teat. As carnage unfolded around him, this terminally lazy oddball spent his time downloading music videos and chatting with the jihadists around him. When ISIS finally forced him to go to the front, he invented a medical condition. Eventually, Ali found himself being shunted around from commander to commander, draining resources and driving the terrorists insane with his dedication to living like the Islamic State’s own personal welfare queen.

Finally, those in charge got so fed up with Ali that he began to fear for his safety. He escaped back to Turkey and immediately took up his old life again, having spent four months draining ISIS funds. We can’t tell if he’s genuinely an idiot or a clever undercover plant sent by the CIA to drive some jihadists up the wall.

4 Douglas Adams Procrastinates Right Into Productivity

Douglas Adams is one of the greatest and laziest writers to have ever lived. His Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is a seminal book in both sci-fi and British literature. But Adams was famously prone to procrastination. At one point, he gave a Hitchhiker’s book a cliff-hanger ending purely because he couldn’t be bothered to keep typing to the end of the paragraph.

But his greatest act of procrastination undoubtedly came in the mid-1990s. Contracted to do a book called the Starship Titanic, Adams kept putting it off for years on end. Eventually, his procrastination grew so extreme that, according to Terry Jones, he created an entire computer game just to avoid doing work on his novel.

Bear in mind this was the 1990s, when creating a playable computer game in your bedroom was something that maybe only six and a half people could do. Yet Adams still wound up creating a sprawling point-and-click adventure which he triumphantly dumped in front of his publishers as an alternative to writing. His publishers took one look, agreed to release it, and then said that they’d still need the novel. With only five weeks to go, Adams called up Monty Python member Terry Jones and begged him to write it instead. Jones obliged, claiming later that he wrote the whole thing in the nude. (Because why not?)

3 George Akerlof Turns Procrastination Into An Academic Field

Any man can put off doing something for as long as feasibly possible, but it takes a special kind of man to be curious enough about their own laziness to write an academic paper on it. Meet George Akerlof. A respected economist, Akerlof managed to turn his own procrastination into a Nobel Prize–winning career.

The setting is India, and the date is the early 1990s. Akerlof was living on the subcontinent at the time when his friend Joseph Stiglitz came to visit. When his vacation ended, Stiglitz left but forgot to pack some shirts. He asked Akerlof to mail them over to him. Akerlof agreed, only to keep putting it off. He put off mailing the box for eight whole months and finally came to two conclusions: Stiglitz probably no longer wanted to be his friend, and procrastination was something worth rigorous academic study.

The thing was, Akerlof had the best of intentions. He really did mean to send the box, yet he didn’t. His breakthrough was to realize that this strange, irrational action could be applied to behavioral economics. In a 1991 paper called “Procrastination and Obedience,” Akerlof used his own tardiness to make assumptions about how populations might act in certain situations. The academic world went wild.

In the years since, procrastination has become a vast field of study, both within the realm of economics and without. Akerlof went on to win the Nobel Prize in 2001 for his contributions. And Stiglitz, you’ll be happy to know, eventually got his shirts back.

2 Buddha’s Disciple Can’t Be Bothered To Ask Vital Questions

Born before Christ was even a twinkle in Joseph’s eye, Siddhartha Gautama (aka the Buddha) created a global religion, with some 500 million people worldwide adhering to his every utterance. With his words at such a premium, you might expect his disciples to have asked him about everything in minute detail. You’d be wrong. Thanks to the laziness of a guy named Ananda, there are still super-important things that we don’t know about Buddhist vows to this very day.

Toward the end of his life, the Buddha dropped a theological bomb on his disciple Ananda: From then on, the minor vows wouldn’t be needed in ordination, just the major ones. This is kinda like St Peter calling the future pope over and saying, “Know those Hail Marys? I’ve chatted with the big G, and we’ve decided to drop them.” The only problem was, Ananda didn’t know which were the major vows and which were the minor. He deciding that asking could wait for later. He kept on thinking that right until the Buddha died, taking the answer with him.

As a result of this one lazy disciple, no one in the past 2,500 years of Buddhism has had any idea if they’re saying the right vows or not. No one wants to accidentally skip a major one, so they just say the whole lot, painfully aware that a good chunk of it is totally unnecessary.

1 Da Vinci Turns Procrastination into Genius

The Mona Lisa is one of the greatest portraits in history. It’s so iconic that we don’t even have to show you a picture; you can imagine it already. It’s also kind of small: The canvas measures only 76 centimeters (30 in) by 53 centimeters (21 in), about the size of a smallish TV. But given that it’s a masterpiece, you’d probably expect it to have taken a while to paint. How long do you think? Six months? A year?

Try 15 years. For a decade and a half, da Vinci failed to finish his iconic portrait, not because it was so difficult, but because he was so lazy. That’s not us being judgmental. On his deathbed, the great man himself even admitted to his chronic procrastination when he apologized “to God and Man for leaving so much undone.” For comparison, it took Michelangelo a mere four years to paint the entire Sistine Chapel. The area his masterpieces covered? Around 1,100 square meters (12,000 ft²).

But a lazy genius is still a genius, and da Vinci was probably the biggest genius of them all. Although it took him forever to finish artworks (the Virgin of the Rocks took 25 years to finish, from a seven-month commission), he put his procrastination to great use. It was in his downtime that he filled his notebooks with doodles and ideas. Some of those doodles would later turn out to be inventions that could have changed the course of history.

You’ve probably heard that da Vinci invented the helicopter, tank, scuba gear, and parachute. Well, this was when he did it—when he should have been working. Some of the greatest examples of human ingenuity only came about because da Vinci was too lazy to stick with his painting. Remember to tell your boss that next time he catches you binge-watching Game of Thrones when you should be working.

In Shelley’s famous poem Ozymandias, a broken statue lies in the empty desert, its pedestal hollowly boasting, “My name is Ozymandias, king of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!”

The conquerors on this list boasted that they had “all the lands at [my] feet” or promised to make “Egypt taste the taste of my fingers!” But in the end, they, too, have been largely forgotten. Look upon their works and despair.

10Lugalzagesi

Civilization was born in ancient Sumeria, in the rich lands between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. But by 2330 BC, the region was in an uproar and ancient cities lay in ruins. The culprit was Lugalzagesi, the king of Umma. Before inheriting the throne, Lugalzagesi was a priest of the goddess Nisaba and he has been labeled an “ecstatic” and a “bone fide berserk” by historians seeking to explain the unprecedented destruction he unleashed.

Shortly after inheriting the throne of Umma, Lugalzagesi also became king of Uruk, probably through marriage. He then launched a series of frenzied campaigns against the kingdom of Lagash, eventually conquering the city itself. A priest of Lagash reported that he “set fire to the [temples] . . . he plundered the palace of Tirash, he plundered the Abzubanda temple, he plundered the chapels of Enlil and Utu.”

In another inscription, the defeated king of Lagash bitterly cursed the conqueror: “The leader of Umma, having sacked Lagash, has committed a sin against Ningirsu. The hand which he has raised against him will be cut off! May Nisaba, the god of Lugalzagesi, ruler of Umma, make him bear the sin.”

But the conquest of Lagash only increased Lugalzagesi’s strength. Before long, he was ruler of all Sumeria, lord of primeval cities like Ur, Zabala, and Nippur. His armies raided from the Persian Gulf to the Mediterranean: “Enlil, king of all lands, gave to Lugalzagesi the kingship of the nation, directed all eyes of the land toward him, put all the lands at his feet . . . from east to west, Enlil permitted him no rival.”

Enlil must have changed his mind. Lugalzagesi’s conquests soon brought him into conflict with a minor ruler named Sargon. In a stunning upset, Sargon’s well-drilled troops defeated the primitive armies of Sumeria. Lugalzagesi was paraded in chains through Nippur and was soon all but forgotten, while Sargon of Akkad went on to found the first great empire in history.

9Modu Chanyu

The horse was first domesticated on the great Eurasian Steppe, the seemingly endless ocean of grass that runs from Mongolia to Eastern Europe. Every so often, the nomadic horsemen of the plains would unite under some great ruler and erupt on the civilized world. Some of these conquerors remain famous—-Attila, Genghis, Timur the Lame—-but Modu Chanyu, who was one of the earliest, is now almost forgotten in the West.

Modu’s father was king of the Xiongnu, a people who lived in what is now Mongolia. The king preferred Modu’s brother, so Modu had him killed and took power anyway. According to the Chinese historian Sima Qian, Modu invited his bodyguards for some archery practice and told them to use his favorite horse as a target. When some objected, Modu immediately executed them. Then, he told them to use his wife as a target. Again, some objected, and Modu killed them on the spot. Finally, he told the survivors that their new target was his father. They shot him without hesitation.

After murdering his siblings, Modu launched lightning campaigns against the Donghu and Yuezhi, forming a sprawling empire that stretched across the eastern steppes. In 200 BC, he lured the Chinese Emperor Gaozu into an ambush and forced him to sign a humiliating treaty. The Chinese had to pay tribute and Gaozu agreed to give his daughter as a concubine to Modu (he sent some other girl and lied that she was his daughter instead).

In a way, Gaozu was lucky—-the king of Yuezhi had his skull turned into a drinking cup by Modu’s son. Modu himself died in 174 BC, as the ruler of an empire that rivaled Alexander the Great’s in size.

8Cyaxares

For centuries, the mighty Assyrian Empire dominated the ancient Middle East. Its influence even extended to the lands of the Medes, in what is now Iran. The Medes had mixed feelings about this and a nobleman named Phraortes led a revolt around 653 BC. But the bowmen of Assyria were justly feared, and the rebellion was crushed. Phraortes was executed and his grieving son Cyaxares swore to finish what his father had started.

This was no mean task, particularly considering that the Scythians had invaded Media in the meantime. But Cyaxares quietly submitted to Scythian rule until he was able to lure their leaders to a banquet. Once the Scythians were drunk, Cyaxares had them slaughtered. Next, he united the Medes into one kingdom under his command. He reformed the Mede army with new weapons and a focus on horsemen, which the Assyrians lacked.

In 614 BC, the Medes attacked, sacking the Assyrian stronghold at Ashur. Over the next two years, they ground closer to the Assyrian capital Ninevah, which fell in 612. Cyaxares had avenged his father and destroyed the greatest empire of the day. The Median Empire seemed destined to dominate the ancient world—-and it might have, had Cyaxares’s successor not had the misfortune to cross an young man called Cyrus, the leader of an obscure tribe called the Persians.

7Nabopolassar

But Cyaxares and the Medes weren’t alone in the great war against Assyria. To overthrow such a mighty empire, they formed an alliance with Nabopolassar, a rebel who had made himself king of the ancient city of Babylon.

Babylon was one of the jewels in the crown of the Assyrian Empire, but the Assyrians were cruel and greedy rulers, and the sprawling city always longed to regain its former independence. It revolted in 705, but the Assyrian king Sennacherib came down like the wolf on the fold and virtually leveled the city after a devastating siege. Another revolt in 651 was crushed almost as severely.

Nabopolassar himself was born to an obscure tribe of Chaldeans outside Babylon and even his monuments describe him as the “son of a nobody.” But he became a famed resistance leader, leading a guerrilla campaign centered in the marshy delta region of the Tigris and Euphrates. When the citizens of Babylon overthrew their governor in 630 BC, they invited the dogged veteran to become their king.

For 15 years, Nabopolassar fought a desperate campaign to dislodge the Assyrians from Babylonia. By 616, he had succeeded and was able to launch attacks on Assyria itself. In 612, he signed a treaty with Cyaxares and their combined forces destroyed Ninevah. Afterward, they split the Assyrian Empire between them. Nabopolassar then destroyed an Assyrian rump state in Syria, while his forces defeated an Egyptian attempt to intervene.

Nabopolassar died in 605 and the Neo-Babylonian Empire he founded crumbled when Cyrus the Great’s Persians appeared outside Babylon a few decades later.

6Piye

In the eighth century BC, the ancient kingdom of Egypt had collapsed into chaos. Minor kings squabbled over the cities, and the north was dominated by Libyan warlords, who were less than keen on the Egyptian gods. Concerned, the priests of Amun looked south to Nubia, to the “Black Pharoahs” of Kush. This powerful African kingdom was heavily influenced by Egypt (to this day, Sudan has more pyramids than Egypt itself). Now, Kush found itself keeping Egyptian culture alive.

Unlike most of the people on this list, the Kushite Pharaoh Piye was a rather reluctant conqueror. Although his influence extended over southern Egypt, he might have been happy to let the north go its own way. But Piye was a true believer and couldn’t allow Amun to be disrespected. A famous monument records his rage: “I swear, as Re loves me, as my father Amun favors me, I shall go north myself . . . And I shall let Lower Egypt taste the taste of my fingers!”

Sure enough, Piye’s armies stormed up the Nile, sprinkling themselves in holy water before each battle. The Libyan fleet burned on the Nile, while the Nubians stormed Hermopolis and Memphis. The Delta lord Tefnakht surrendered, writing to Piye that “I cannot stand before your flame, I dread your grandeur.” Then, having achieved total victory, the pious Piye withdrew and returned to his home in Nubia.

Unsurprisingly, his successor Shabaka was less retiring and returned to Egypt in 719 BC, mopping up the remaining opposition founding the 25th Dynasty of Ancient Egypt.

5 Dhu Nawas

In the sixth century AD, the last Jewish king of Arabia watched a bloody battle rage along a beach in Yemen. His name was Yusuf Al-As’ar, but due to his flowing hair, he was usually known as Dhu Nawas, “Lord of the Sidelocks.” Seeing that his enemies were victorious, he turned and spurred his heavily armored horse into the Red Sea, which was living up to its name with the blood of the fallen. Before long, the waves had swallowed him up.

In the decades before the arrival of Islam, Yemen was caught up in the struggle between Zoroastrian Persia and the Christian powers of Byzantium and Abyssinia (modern Ethiopia). In fact, Abyssinian governor had ruled Yemen before Dhu Nawas seized power. It’s possible that his conversion to Judaism was intended to assert his independence from both Persia and Abyssinia. Either way, the chronicles agree that he launched a campaign against the Abyssinians Christians in Yemen, massacring them wherever possible.

By around AD 525, Dhu Nawas was complete control of the Yemen. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t go down well in Abyssinia and the Negus (king) Kaleb soon launched a full-scale invasion from his capital at Axum. Always proactive, Dhu Nawas met the Africans on the beach they tried to land on, but the Abyssinians were simply too powerful and before long he was forced to undertake his famous ride into the sea.

4Brennus

Under Alexander the Great, the Greeks and Macedonians conquered much of the known world. But after Alexander’s death in 323 BC, his successors fell to warring with each other, and his empire collapsed. Just over 40 years later, things had deteriorated to the point that an army of Celtic tribesmen were able to sweep down from the north and plunder his old kingdom of Macedon.

The Gauls were led by a chieftain known as Brennus, who had brought together a large army from various tribes. After raiding Macedon, Brennus (which might actually be a title rather than a name) proposed heading south for the even richer target of Greece. Panicked, the Greeks threw together an alliance and decided to make a stand at the pass of Thermopylae, where the 300 of Sparta had faced the Persians many years before.

But Brennus was no fool and sent troops to raid the exposed Greek state of Aetolia. Panicked, the Aetolians abandoned Thermopylae to defend their lands, leaving the defenders reduced in numbers. Next, Brennus paid the locals to show him the same path Xerxes had once used to outflank the 300. Sensing which way the wind was blowing, the Greeks declined to make another last stand and managed to make a break for it onboard the Athenian navy.

Brennus now had Greece at his mercy and he marched on the rich oracle at Delphi. But the Gauls fell to arguing among themselves and were delayed. Just as they were about to attack Delphi, a sudden snowstorm set in. The Greeks, claiming a miracle, attacked and drove the Celts back into the north. But for many years after, there were rumors of a sacred pool in Gaul, glimmering with sacrificed Greek gold and jewels.

3Pachacuti

In the 15th century, a Peruvian group known as the Chanca were vigorously expanding their state. The Chanca had a large and experienced army and talented generals, and few dared stand against them. Around 1438, they decided to attack Cuzco, the capital of an obscure mountain people known as the Incas. The Incan ruler Viracocha and his heir, Urcon, sensibly abandoned the capital and fled. But Viracocha’s son Cusi Yupanqui refused to run.

Mustering a few loyalists, Cusi Yupanqui somehow managed to defeat the Chanca in a battle in which even the stones rose from the field and came to his aid. That boast might reflect the reality of how Cusi Yupanqui managed to defeat the larger Chanca army—-in later years the Inca had a penchant for crushing their enemies in rockslides. In any case, Cusi Yupanqui emerged triumphant and took a new name, Pachacuti, which means “Earthshaker.” His cowardly father was deposed and his brother was murdered and Pachacuti set out to make the Inca into an empire.

First, Pachacuti attacked the cities surrounding Cuzco, using the excuse that they hadn’t come to help the Inca when the Chanca attacked. Once he had established a solid power base, he struck out wider, conquering huge and ancient provinces: Vilcas, Soras, Aymaraes, Omayasos. When his general Capac Yupanki conquered the north, Pachacuti welcomed him back with open arms and then had him immediately executed, before he could become a threat.

By the time Pachacuti was an old man, the Inca were the dominant power in Peru. Finally satisfied, the Earthshaker passed the army over to his son and quietly retired to relax and tinker around with Cuzco’s architecture.

2Zenobia

Of course, very few women ruled in their own right in the ancient world, but the few who did were usually more than a match for their male peers. Take Zenobia, Queen of Palmyra, who was so tough she marched on foot with her troops and often outdrank them as well. In the third century AD, Zenobia cobbled together a short-lived empire that spanned from Egypt to Turkey and seemed a real threat to the power of Rome.

Her rise to power started when she married Lucius Odaenthus, the Roman governor of Syria. The two apparently made a formidable team, although Zenobia famously refused to actually sleep with her husband except to conceive their only son. In 266 BC, Lucius was mysteriously assassinated, along with his son from a previous marriage. Instead of waiting for Rome to appoint a new governor, Zenobia gave the position to her young son and appointed herself as regent.

At the time, Rome was ruled by a succession of short-lived emperors who were too busy being murdered to challenge Zenobia. Next, she turned her gaze to Egypt. Not wanting to completely break with Rome, she sent an agent to Egypt to start a rebellion against Rome. Then her armies swooped in to crush the “rebellion” and return Egypt to Roman rule—-via Zenobia’s court in Palmyra of course. Unfortunately, an actual Roman army turned up in Egypt, forcing Zenobia to show her true colors and slaughter them.

Sensing which way the wind was blowing, the whole Roman east rapidly swore allegiance to Zenobia. But winds change, and Rome eventually did find a competent emperor in the old soldier Aurelian, who defeated Zenobia in a hard fought campaign (she escaped at least three sieges, in one case alone on a camel holding her son). The Queen of Palmyra was taken back to Rome, where she was allowed to live out her old age in quiet obscurity.

1Lord 8 Deer Jaguar Claw

In the 11th century, the Mixtec were a squabbling group of principalities on the Pacific coast of Mexico. They chronicled their history in codices that combined pictures and words in a way not unlike a modern comic books. Many of the codices tell the story of the conqueror 8 Deer Jaguar Claw, who rose to great heights and met a tragic end.

8 Deer Jaguar Claw was born into the royal family of Tilantongo, but he wasn’t in line for the throne. So at 18 he sought out a meeting with the oracle Lady 9 Grass, a terrifying figure who seems to have lacked any flesh on her lower jaw. The codices are a little unclear, but either 9 Grass advised 8 Deer to journey to the shore, or exiled him there. Either way, 8 Deer and his followers left Tilantongo and founded a coastal town called Tututepec.

Now 8 Deer’s genius really started to show through. He formed an alliance with a group of Toltec merchants, who were eager to acquire coastal goods like salt and cacao. With the profits, 8 Deer began a campaign of conquest, starting with small villages along the shore and moving on to larger cities inland. As his wealth and power grew, the other members of Tilantongo’s royal family started dying, putting him closer to the throne. Doubtless 8 Deer was shocked when a last brother was mysteriously stabbed to death, making him the new king.

8 Deer’s next move was to launch an assault on Tilantongo’s ancient enemy, a city known as Red-And-White Bundle. This was personal for 8 Deer, because he had long been secretly in love with 9 Monkey, wife of Red-And-White Bundle’s king. Tragically, 8 Deer stormed into the enemy palace to find 9 Monkey and her husband dying. In an uncharacteristic moment of weakness, 8 Deer couldn’t bring himself to execute 9 Monkey’s son. It was a mistake.

Before long, 9 Monkey’s son had escaped his imprisonment and made his way to the Zapotec Empire, which was concerned at the thought of 8 Deer uniting the Mixtec. With a Zapotec army at his back, 9 Monkey’s son returned and defeated the aging 8 Deer. The conqueror was personally executed by the boy he had spared for love.

There’s a reason why prostitution is called the world’s oldest profession. It has been around for thousands of years in one form or another. Whether for money, trade, or protection, people have been selling their “goods” across the globe since the advent of quid pro quo. Throughout the centuries, numerous ladies of the evening have stood out from their peers as being somewhat more prestigious in their abilities. Here are ten of history’s most prominent prostitutes.

10 Rahab
Jericho

The story of Rahab comes from the Book of Joshua in the Torah and tells of a woman who ran an inn and brothel adjacent to the wall of Jericho during that city’s siege by the Israelites, commanded by Joshua.

Before entering the city, Joshua sent two spies to Rahab’s in order to properly assess the military strength of Jericho. When Jericho’s soldiers went to capture the spies believed to be under Rahab’s roof, she hid the men under piles of flax and barley. She feared the wrath of the Israelites and gave refuge to the spies in order to spare her and her family from death, to which the spies agreed. To mark her home to be spared, she placed a red chord on the door, which some believe may be the origin of the use of a red light to indicate a brothel.

9 Thais
Greece, ~330 BC

Often, the company we keep can be what lands us in the history books. This was certainly true for the likes of Thais, who accompanied none other than Alexander the Great on his many campaigns. It is unknown whether or not Thais “worked” for Alexander, but it is said that he kept her in his company for the duration of his many military campaigns.

Aside from being arm candy to one of the greatest military commanders of all time, Thais also instigated the burning of Persepolis. She gave a speech at the palace of Persepolis and called for its destruction. She was the second person after Alexander to ceremoniously throw a torch into the building. This was likely done as an act of vengeance against King Xerxes of Persia for his destruction of the Athenian Acropolis.

8 Phryne
Greece, 371 BC

Perhaps one of the most famous ladies of the night to come out of ancient Greece, Phryne was a courtesan whose real name was Mnesarete, which meant “to commemorate virtue.” Her real name notwithstanding, Phryne was eventually charged with impiety. She faced her charges with the defense of Hypereides, a famous orator of the time.

When it looked like her trial was leaning toward a guilty verdict, Hypereides exposed his client’s breasts to the court. Seeing her beauty exposed in such a way brought pity to the judges, who proclaimed that they could not sentence to death “a prophetess and priestess of Aphrodite,” and Phryne was acquitted of all charges.

7 Su Xiaoxiao
China, AD 482–501

Su Xiaoxiao, sometimes referred to as “Little Sue,” was a Chinese courtesan and poet who lived during the Southern Qi Dynasty and was well-regarded for both her beauty and intellect. Though she shared her body with the common man, she was best known for her poetry. She died at the age of 19 due to a terminal illness, and when she saw her death on the horizon, she dedicated her remaining time to writing poetry and sharing her beauty with the world.

There are numerous stories of her life, most of which involve her escapades with young men. Her tomb sat undisturbed for centuries until it was destroyed during the Cultural Revolution, but it was finally rebuilt in 2004.

6 Jeanne Becu, Comtesse Du Barry
France, 1743–1793

Madame du Barry was the last chief mistress to King Louis XV of France, who fell victim to the Reign of Terror that arose during the French Revolution.

She began her career in Paris, accumulating a large base of aristocratic men who paid for her services. To become the mistress of the king, she required a title and was falsely married to her brother, while falsified documents claimed her to be three years younger and gave her a fictitious line of noble descent.

Within a year, she was able to elevate her status from a streetwalker to a noble courtesan of the king of France, but timing was not on her side because of the Reign of Terror. Her immediate association with Louis XV almost guaranteed her a date with the guillotine on December 8, 1793.

5 Mary Boleyn
England, 1499–1543

The lesser-known sister of Anne Boleyn, Mary Boleyn often sat in her sibling’s shadow. She was a courtesan and lady in waiting who was known by many in France as “The English Mare” due to her sexual proclivities. Many stories recount the use of her sexuality to gain favors in court, and she was a mistress of both the English and French kings for a time. It is believed that she died around the age of 40 or 41, though her burial site is unknown.

Mary lost the favor of court life after she married a man who was considered to be of a lower status than she was, and when her sister was beheaded, she faded into relative obscurity in France. Her descendants include notable British citizens such as Charles Darwin and the Duchess of Cambridge Catherine (Middleton).

4 Veronica Franco
Italy, 1546–1591

Veronica Franco was a well-educated young lady whose mother taught her the means at her disposal to attract a wealthy husband. While still a teenager, she married a doctor, but it ended badly, and Veronica turned to prostitution at the Venetian Court to survive.

While she delighted the male aristocracy of Venice, she also spent time writing and published several books of poetry. She was so successful in both her professions that she amassed a large fortune and began a charity for her fellow courtesans’ children.

Like others in her line of work, she was charged with witchcraft and was forced to successfully defend herself at inquisition. Her ultimate fate is unknown due to her passing into obscurity, but it is believed that she lost her wealth when she was forced to flee Venice due to plague in 1575. She is believed to have died in poverty following the death of her last benefactor.

3 Mary Jane Kelly
England, 1863–1888

In some cases, it’s not the life you live but rather your death that makes you famous. Mary Jane Kelly is one such woman—the final victim of Jack the Ripper.

The horrors done to her in her final moments of life make her murder stand out above the four that preceded it. Each of the victims were mutilated in some way following death having their throats slashed. Mary Jane Kelley was not as fortunate, as her mutilation was likely carried out while she was still alive. The scene was so gruesome that most who saw it fell ill, and the only known photograph of the scene is believed to be the first ever crime scene photo. Without delving into too much gruesome detail, blood was spattered all over the place, and various organs and pieces of flesh were removed and draped about her body. Her death, like the others in the Ripper case, remains unsolved.

2 Catherine Walters
England, 1839–1920

Catherine Walters, also known as “Skittles,” was considered to be one of the last great courtesans of Victorian London. She was considered to be very beautiful and was also a trendsetter, having elevated the hobby of horse riding for women in Victorian London due to her “Princess riding habit” that the ladies emulated whenever they could.

The list of her male benefactors includes many politicians and a member of the royal family, possibly Edward VII, the eldest son of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. She was best known for her modesty, which made her a likely candidate for many aristocratic men who wanted their sexual escapades to remain secret. This made her a very wealthy and well-cared-for woman who amassed a considerable fortune, which allowed her to retire in 1890, making her a very rare example of a courtesan who did not die young, impoverished, or in obscurity.

1 Lizzie Lape
United States, 1853–1917

Lizzie Lape was an Ohio madame and prostitute who ran multiple bordellos. Lizzie married eight times, once to her best customer, and is best known for her odd connection to Warren G. Harding, the 29th president of the United States.

Harding worked as a newspaper editor and staged a hoax upon a rival editor, Vaughn, at Lizzie’s most famous bordello, the White Pigeon. Harding was able to coax Vaughn into the brothel and then had the police perform a raid, causing a great deal of embarrassment for the gentleman. It is believed that Mr. Harding was well-acquainted with Lizzie’s houses and may have visited her Red Bird Saloon.

Lizzie was able to hold onto her properties despite multiple lawsuits by ex-husbands. She never lost her houses and ultimately retired on her own terms.

Jonathan is agraphic artist, illustrator, and game designer with a few independently-published games through his game company, TalkingBull Games. He is an Active Duty Soldier and enjoys researching and writing about history, science, theology, and many other subjects.

New discoveries are made all the time that change the way we regard events and cultures of our past. Just in the last few years, many archaeological finds provided us with new perspectives on established chapters of history.

10 Bobcat Ceremonial Burial

While going through the Illinois State Museum’s collection of Native American artifacts, anthropologist Angela Perri found a box labeled “puppy” which she expected to be filled with dog bones excavated from a burial mound of the Hopewell culture. Instead, the bones belonged to a bobcat.

The discovery was notable for two reasons: It was the only decorated wildcat burial found in North America and the only animal ever found buried alone in its own mound.

Since the bobcat was only a kitten when it died, anthropologists suspect that it was raised as a pet. Inside the mound, they also found a necklace which Perri believed served as the cat’s collar.

However, zooarchaeologist Melinda Zeder has a different hypothesis. She believes that the bobcat held a much higher symbolic status for the native culture, possibly as a connection to nature.

9 Roman Terror Weapons

A recent discovery suggests that the Romans employed psychological warfare using whistling slingshot bullets. They used a staff sling called a fustibalus which could throw lemon-sized rocks over a long distance. But certain bullets found at one site in Scotland have a peculiar characteristic—they are drilled through their center.

The stone bullets were found at Burnswark Hill, the site of a massive fight between Romans and Scots about 1,800 years ago. Drilling the holes would have been a time-consuming endeavor, especially for something used only once.

Archaeologist John Reid was puzzled by the stones’ purpose. But Reid’s brother, a keen fisherman, deduced the purpose of the bullets based on his experience of using holed-out lures. When thrown, the bullets caused a sharp whistling noise. Only small stones were drilled, so multiple bullets could be thrown at once, creating a stereo effect for added terror.

8 Celtic Hybrid Boneyard

Until recently, we didn’t think that Iron Age Celtic mythology contained hybrid monsters. Now, one gravesite in Dorset suggests that the Celts had their own mythological creatures which they recreated in real life.

The discovery was made at Duropolis. The “cemetery” consists of pits with animal skeletons rearranged to form hybrid beasts. These include a cow with horse legs and a sheep with a bull’s head on its rear end.

The most bizarre discovery involved the skeleton of a woman found on top of a layer of animal bones which mirrored the arrangement of the human bones. Her head was resting on a “bed” of animal skulls, her legs were on top of animal leg bones, etc.

Archaeologist Paul Cheetham believes that the skeletons (including the woman) represent sacrifices. The pits were initially used as food storage. When a new pit was dug, a sacrifice was placed in the old one before being buried.

7 Oldest Dress In The World

The Tarkhan Dress is now the oldest woven garment in the world. Recovered from an Egyptian tomb, it is dated between 3400 BC and 3100 BC. Most recovered ancient clothing is no older than 2,000 years because neither animal skins nor plant fibers survive degradation well.

The dress has a V-neck, narrow pleats, and tailored sleeves. Creases formed at the elbows and armpits indicate that it was worn repeatedly.

There are a few clothing items of similar age, but those are ceremonial garments wrapped or draped over a body. The Tarkhan Dress remains a unique ancient Egyptian fashion statement as it was tailor-made by a specialized craftsman and worn by somebody of great wealth.

6 Philadelphia’s History Down The Toilet

In 2017, Philadelphia will open the Museum of the American Revolution. When excavation for the museum started in 2014, workers uncovered a system of privies that served households and businesses in the 18th century. The pits were literally clogged with historical items, and so far, archaeologists have recovered over 82,000 artifacts.

At that time, privies also served as garbage dumps for household waste. While these items might not have immense value, some historians prefer them over jewelry or art for the unique look they provide of common people of that time.

One especially fascinating pit belonged to Benjamin and Mary Humphreys and was dug around the start of the American Revolution. Although their house was registered as a private residence, archaeologists found tobacco pipes, broken punch bowls, and empty liquor bottles there.

In 1783, Mary was arrested for running a “disorderly house.” The couple was actually running an illegal tavern.

5 First Philistine Cemetery

The Philistines were a mysterious ancient people heavily featured in the Bible and described as the archenemies of the Israelites. In modern times, certain historians considered the Philistines a sea people, likely Aegean in origin, who came to Levant, settled in five main cities, and formed the pentapolis of Philistia.

The Philistines disappeared around the eighth century BC with little trace, but archaeologists recently announced the discovery of a Philistine cemetery with over 150 graves and countless artifacts. The cemetery was actually discovered 30 years ago, but it took this long to excavate it. No bones have been analyzed so far, but the burial of the dead sheds light on Philistine society.

The discovery reveals that the Philistines were not hostile to culture despite their name. They were buried with jewelry, decorated jugs filled with perfumed oils or wine, and weapons.

4 Oldest Document Of Roman Britain

While excavating for Bloomberg’s new European headquarters in London, workers uncovered the largest collection of Roman writing tablets in Britain’s history. The collection contains around 400 tablets and boasts the earliest mention of London, predating Tacitus’s Annals by 50 years. The still-legible tablets have been translated and published in a monograph titled Roman London’s First Voices, which provides us with unparalleled context for life in Londinium 2,000 years ago.

The find also contains the oldest document of Roman Britain, dated January 8, AD 57. The document is an IOU, fittingly found in London’s financial district. It specifies that Tibullus, freedman of Venustus, owes Gratus, freedman of Spurius, 105 denarii for merchandise which was sold and delivered.

3 Buddha’s Skull Bone

Between 2007 and 2010, archaeologists excavated a Buddhist temple in Nanjing. The highlight of the find was a 1,000-year-old model stupa which contained the remains of several saints. The stupa might have also contained the most revered Buddhist artifact in history—the skull bone of Buddha.

The inscriptions make it clear that the parietal bone placed inside the chest belonged to Buddha. It was sent to the temple after his body was cremated in India around 2,400 years ago. About 1,400 years ago, the temple was destroyed by war and rebuilt by Emperor Zhenzong of the Song dynasty. The description even names the people who donated money and materials to build the new temple.

It’s difficult to say if the parietal bone belonged to Siddhartha Gautama. Buddhists already revere it and visit it in pilgrimage. The Western world just found out because the discovery has only recently been covered in English.

2 Untouched Mycenaean Tomb

A minor excavation of a stone shaft turned into one of the biggest Greek archaeological finds in decades. Explorers uncovered the intact 3,500-year-old tomb of a Mycenaean warrior. Although the warrior remains unidentified, he must have been quite wealthy and important as he was buried with over 1,400 objects displayed on and around his body.

We have little information about the infant stages of Mycenaean Greece around 1,500 BC. In fact, the dig was part of an ongoing project to determine the influential extent of Mycenaean culture on the Minoan civilization and vice versa.

Already, the tomb has raised several questions for archaeologists. Among the warrior’s possessions were beads, combs, and a mirror, objects typically buried with wealthy women. Group burial was common practice back then, even for Mycenaean elite. One such grave was found just 90 meters (300 ft) away from the tomb, which makes archaeologists question why this Mycenaean warrior was buried alone.

1 Oldest Stone Tools

Using tools is considered an essential step in the evolution of mankind. The Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania used to be the place where the earliest toolmaking practice (known as the Oldowan industry) occurred. The oldest tools recovered there were 2.6 million years old.

Now we’ve found tools which are 700,000 years older. On the shores of Lake Turkana in Kenya, archaeologists discovered sharp stone flakes for cutting that are 3.3 million years old.

The most significant implication is that the tools predate humans. Until this point, we thought that the first tools were made by members of the Homo genus, but it seems that earlier hominins also developed this skill. The most likely culprit is Kenyanthropus platyops. It’s a fossil discovered in the same area in 1999 that some claim should be its own genus. Others see it as a species of Australopithecus.

History is filled with rulers whose reigns lasted long after their welcome. However, some rulers were in charge for only brief periods of time. Here are 10 examples of the shortest-reigning leaders throughout history whose reigns were cut short for bizarre and often unfortunate reasons.

10 Tsar Peter III Of Russia
185 Days

As ruler of Russia from January 5 to July 9, 1762, the unpopular Tsar Peter III was barely able to speak Russian and pushed for many pro-Prussian policies. His wife, the German-born Princess Sophie, led a coup which had Peter III deposed and eventually assassinated.

She succeeded him to the throne as Catherine II (aka Catherine the Great). Their marriage had been both loveless and sexless. So it’s no surprise that she sought to end it, though the manner in which she did makes a bitter divorce seem like a good thing in comparison.

Shortly following the coup, Peter was imprisoned in the castle of Ropsha. There, he was brutally murdered by several men loyal to Gregory Orlov, who aspired to marry the newly crowned empress of the Russian Empire. Peter was assassinated so that Catherine could be allowed to remarry since a living husband, even one deposed and imprisoned, kept a woman from remarrying.

9 Isaac II Angelos Of The Byzantine Empire
179 Days

Emperor Isaac was the ruler of the Byzantine Empire not once but twice. His first reign lasted from 1185 to 1195, but his second reign lasted only about 179 days—from August 1, 1203, until approximately January 27, 1204.

He was first removed from the throne by his brother, who usurped his position and took the name Alexios III. Immediately, Isaac was blinded and imprisoned. He became enfeebled in captivity in Constantinople where he languished for eight years before he was freed during the Fourth Crusade.

Isaac was reinstated as a vassal king alongside his son, Alexios IV, by the crusaders. But the two men failed to meet their obligations and lost the support of the crusaders and their subjects. Isaac was soon deposed by a son-in-law of his brother, Alexios III, and was returned to prison alongside his son. Isaac likely died of shock when his son was strangled to death while the two were in prison.

8 Emperor Yuan Shikai Of The Empire of China
101 Days

Soon after the last emperor of China, Puyi, abdicated the throne in 1912 following the Xinhai Revolution, a new Chinese Empire arose in its place under the leadership of Emperor Yuan Shikai. He was a general who took on the role as the second Provisional Great President of the Republic of China.

But Shikai wanted to consolidate his power and reestablish the Chinese monarchy, which met a great deal of opposition. Plans for an accession ceremony were delayed, defunded, and ultimately scrapped. He returned China to a republic, making the Empire of China the shortest-lasting empire in history—about three months—from December 12, 1915, to March 22, 1916.

Shikai resumed his role as president, although he died shortly thereafter. His actions set the Chinese republican goals back by years due to the infighting that arose from his attempt to reestablish the empire. He is perhaps the only emperor who both preceded and succeeded himself as a nation’s president.

7 Emperor Pertinax Of Rome
86 Days

From January 1 to March 28, 193, Publius Helvius Pertinax ruled the Roman Empire during a turbulent time known as “The Year of the Five Emperors.” He was the first emperor to succeed the assassinated Commodus, who was somewhat inaccurately portrayed by Joaquin Phoenix in the 2000 film Gladiator.

Pertinax attempted to reform the empire but failed in most of his attempts. However, he was able to free those held in captivity by his predecessor and lift some restrictions on farming. His decision to make changes within the Praetorian Guard helped bring about his downfall since it was the Guard who had orchestrated the murder of his predecessor.

Angered by Pertinax’s actions, members of the Guard stormed into the imperial palace and beat the emperor to death. Then they removed his head and affixed it to the end of a lance, which was carried in triumph through the streets to the Praetorian camp.

6 King Frederick Charles Of Finland
66 Days

From October 9 to December 14, 1918—only 66 days—Frederick Charles Louis Constantine of Hesse was the elected king of Finland before renouncing his throne. It was considered unfavorable for a German-born monarch to hold the throne of Finland so soon after the end of the Great War.

Frederick agreed and soon abdicated his throne after King Wilhelm II of Germany abdicated his own position, bringing an end to monarchies in Germany. Frederick never arrived in Finland to take on his position but retained the title of king for just over two months before giving it up. The Kingdom of Finland only lasted for two years before Finland adopted a Republican Constitution in 1919. Frederick was its sole monarch before it dissolved into the government it maintains to this day.

5 Emperor Didius Julianus Of Rome
65 Days

Following the assassination of Pertinax on March 28, 193, the Praetorian Guards who killed him auctioned off the Roman Empire to the highest bidder. There were two men bidding, but Didius Julianus won by promising 25,000 sesterces to every soldier of the Praetorian Guard.

This totaled approximately 200 million sesterces, or 50 million denari. It is difficult to compare this to a modern currency, but an average worker or soldier in the empire earned about one denari per day at the time. Fearing the military, the Senate proclaimed Julianus emperor, but his reign did not last. He was deposed and executed by his successor less than three months later on June 1, 193.

4 Pope Urban VII
12 Days

Serving from September 15 to September 27, 1590, Pope Urban VII was the shortest-reigning Pope in Catholic history following the Vatican’s removal of Stephen II from the list of Popes. Stephen II’s three-day reign was considered invalid because he missed his consecration.

Urban VII left the papacy in a fairly normal manner after succumbing to malaria. However, he earned an asterisk in the history books as the first ruler to ever institute a smoking and tobacco ban in 1590.

Urban VII threatened excommunication to any Catholic who “took tobacco in the porchway of or inside a church, whether it be by chewing it, smoking it with a pipe, or sniffing it in powdered form through the nose.” His ban on tobacco was not due to health concerns but to his distaste for it in and around the Church.

3 Emperor Duc Duc Of Vietnam
3 Days

Emperor Duc Duc was both emplaced and executed by the same people after ruling Vietnam for only three days in July 1883. During his coronation ceremony, he committed several acts of debauchery. This violated various rules of mourning pertaining to the death of his father, whom Duc Duc had succeeded to the throne.

The Vietnamese court quickly ruled that he be poisoned to death for his debauchery. He may have been deposed for political reasons and left to die in captivity, but the true nature of his death is not known for certain. However, he was considered to be a puppet of French colonialists. Turmoil followed his three-day rule for nearly a decade before a stable monarchy could take place under one of his sons.

2 Emperor Mo Of China
2 Hours

Emperor Mo of Jin, named Wanyan Chenglin, was the shortest-reigning emperor in Chinese history. On February 9, 1234, he was killed shortly after his coronation ceremony during the Mongol attack on China.

That day, he had met with Emperor Aizong, his predecessor, who insisted that Chenglin accept his position as emperor. Soon after, during the siege of Caizhou, the city walls were breached. Emperor Aizong committed suicide to avoid capture and to allow for his successor to take his position.

Chenglin was leader of the Jin dynasty for as little as two hours. He rallied his troops and defended the city until he was killed in battle, marking the end of the Jin dynasty and the beginning of Mongol Yuan rule of northern China.

1 King Louis XIX Of France
20 Minutes

On August 2, 1830, Louis Antoine was “technically” the king of France for 20 minutes before he agreed to abdicate the throne. The rights of succession meant that he was king once his father had signed his own abdication papers during the July Revolution of 1830.

While Louis Antoine pondered signing the abdication documents, he listened to his wife’s arguments not to sign and to retain his role as king in what was considered to be an incredibly unpopular monarchy. But he eventually acquiesced and signed the papers.

Although Louis Antoine never truly ruled over France, some of his followers never recognized his abdication as being legal and considered his father, Charles X, and then Louis to be the true kings of France until their respective deaths.

Jonathan is a graphic artist, illustrator, and game designer with a few independently published games through his game company, TalkingBull Games. He is an active duty soldier and enjoys researching and writing about history, science, theology, and many other subjects.

Translation seems like an easy task these days, with the help of technology such as Google at our fingertips, but it isn’t always so simple. Simple translation when trying to greet someone from another country is one thing, but interpreting major documents or treaties is another. Translators and interpreters are professionals with years of experience, but humans make errors—even computers that translate make mistakes. Bad translations can be very costly and even lead to deadly circumstances. Here are ten catastrophic translation failures throughout history.

Related: 10 Interesting Political Traditions from Around the World

10 Jimmy Carter on Poland

Jimmy Carter traveled to Poland in 1977 for a news conference, but the translation of his speech sounded like seduction. The professional interpreter, Steven Seymour, who was responsible for translating his English into Polish, made many mistakes. Carter told the people of Poland that he had “come to learn your opinions and understand your desires for the future,” but Seymour’s translation showed an erotic desire to “get to know the Poles carnally.”

Another phrase used by President Carter was “I left the United States this morning,” and it was mistranslated to say, “I left the United States, never to return.” Another translator was chosen to take over after the mishaps, but the second translator proved to be just as bad. The translator could not understand Carter’s Southern accent, so the translator made the decision to remain silent for the remainder of the speech.^[1]

9 Mars

Italian Astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli was observing Mars in 1877 when he claimed to see channels running through the planet’s surface. He used the word “canali” to describe the channels, and it was mistranslated into English as canals. Percival Lowell read about this and was convinced that the canals were real and wrote about it in the Atlantic Monthly. His writings covered the existence of Martians on Mars, due to the canals being created by them.

Several other people believed this, too, and wrote about it, and several works of fiction were inspired by these views. The water-carrying canals were just a product of misinterpretation, and most astronomers now agree that Mars does not have any channels. NASA even said, “Crisscrossing lines covering the surface of Mars was only a product of the human tendency to see patterns, even when patterns do not exist.”^[2]

8 HSBC Slogan

In 2009, The Hongkong and Shanghai Banking Corporation, better known as HSBC, was getting ready to launch a $10 million rebrand of its global private banking operations after a mistranslation. HSBC is known for its memorable ad campaigns, such as the “different points of view” campaign, but its “Assume Nothing” campaign didn’t quite work as well.

The phrase “Assume Nothing” was mistranslated in several countries to mean “Do Nothing.” In December of 2024, their market cap was $174.73 billion, making them the world’s 83rd most valuable company by market cap. Doesn’t look like the bad translation was bad business, after all.^[3]

7 President Carter, Again

President Carter’s mistranslation in Poland was much worse than what happened to him in Japan, but it was once again another translation error. In 1981, the U.S. President visited a small Methodist College in the countryside of Japan to give a graduation speech. He opened with a joke, and the audience erupted into laughter after the interpreter finished speaking. Carter wasn’t expecting the joke to be so successful, and after the speech, he asked the interpreter why he received such a reaction.

The interpreter tried to dodge the question from the former president but eventually admitted that he told the crowd, “President Carter told a funny story. Everyone must laugh.” Carter said it was the best response to a joke he has ever had in his life.^[4]

6 Parker Pen

Parker has been crafting pens for more than 125 years, and they had passed the $1 million mark by 1918. The successful business produced a very unsuccessful advertising campaign when it was translated into Spanish. Parker was the first company to develop a pen that could be carried in a pocket without leaking. They used the slogan, “With no fear to be embarrassed,” and the pen sold very well.

The slogan was later rebranded to “Avoid embarrassment—use Parker Pens,” which was very successful and popular throughout the United States. The company made the decision to start selling its products in Latin America, and the slogan would need to be translated. The word “embarrassment” is a homonym for “pregnancy,” and the translation sounded something like “To avoid pregnancy, use a Parker pen.” The pens were wrongly advertised more as a contraceptive instead of a writing utensil.^[5]

5 The Waitangi Treaty

The Treaty of Waitangi was signed by more than 500 tribal chiefs in 1840. It was a written agreement between the British Crown and the Maori people of New Zealand. It paved the way for British immigration to New Zealand and established their government, but it also guaranteed the Maori rights and privileges.

The treaty was imperfectly translated into the Maori language, stating that the indigenous people would have control over the territory but would surrender the governance to the British. However, the English version demanded a surrender of authority in all its rights and privileges. The founding document remains contentious due to the difference in translations.^[6]

4 Nikita Khrushchev

In 1956, Soviet premier Nikita Khrushchev gave a Cold War-era speech at a reception at the Polish Embassy in Moscow. In his speech, he was interpreted as saying, “Whether you like it or not, history is on our side… We will bury you” to the Western ambassadors in attendance. The phrase was then found on the cover of magazines and newspapers around the world, especially in America. Americans considered this a threat to their country, but the words were taken out of context.

Khrushchev’s words were closer to meaning: “Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will dig you in.” He was ultimately trying to say that communism would outlast capitalism. Others believe he used a more common Russian phrase, “We will be present when you are buried,” which means “We will outlast you.” Khrushchev said himself that he only meant that “socialism will inevitably succeed capitalism.”^[7]

3 Justin Trudeau Speech

Justin Trudeau’s, the Prime Minister of Canada, speech got lost in translation while speaking at the White House. Americans watching the speech from home on ABC News saw several phrases such as “Nazi innings,” “railroad stations in Motorola,” “portfolio of us old guys,” and “recourse to ice packs.” Of course, those weren’t actually the words or phrases that he said.

ABC claimed the translation mistakes were made by a computer program that was automatically translating words from French to English. The computer was unable to understand the phrases said by Trudeau, and there wasn’t an actual person controlling the translations. The speech was Trudeau’s first to a United States audience.^[8]

2 Pepsi Slogan

Some of the most popular Pepsi slogans from the past include “Be Young, Have Fun, Drink Pepsi,” “You Got the Right One Baby,” and “More Bounce to the Ounce,” but one past slogan didn’t work as well once it was mistranslated. In the 1960s, Pepsi released its new “Come Alive! You’re in the Pepsi Generation” campaign.

The campaign was going very well until it was released in China. The slogan translated to “Pepsi—Bring Your Ancestors Back From the Dead.” Of course, it was not able to bring back the dead, and the campaign was short-lived.^[9]

1 The Hiroshima Bombing

One of the most famous cases related to mistranslation is attached to the first atomic bombing. In 1945, Japan was presented with terms of a declaration of surrender by the Allied countries. Once the terms were translated to Japanese from English, it was delivered, and a response was awaited. The terms stated that any negative response by Japan would lead to “absolute destruction,” and it called for the immediate surrender from Japan. The Tokyo Prime Minister did not immediately release a statement and was assessing the situation. He was making the decision to wait before making a public official comment.

The Prime Minister used the word “Mokusatsu” to express his thoughts, which is derived from the Japanese term “silence.” The word can have several meanings, but the translation to English showed that he ignored the situation and “treated it with silent contempt.” The international news organizations published that the ultimatum was “not even worthy of comment” by the Japanese.

Americans felt as if there was no end in sight to the war, and the mistranslation may have led to the atomic bomb that was dropped on Hiroshima just ten days later. More than 150,000 people were killed as a result of the bombing, which would make it the deadliest translation error. We may never know the result if the Prime Minister’s words were translated correctly.^[10]

Throughout time, religious ideology and belief in the supernatural have both helped and terrified human beings. As prehistoric cave paintings have demonstrated, the belief in forces beyond our control and comprehension predates agriculture, civilization, alphabets, and other aspects of human life, which came about when the hunter-gatherers first tamed the land and the animals.

For all the fear that Christianity has bestowed upon occultism, the practice itself isn’t exactly harmful. In fact, it often serves as a spiritual experience for its practitioners, much like the belief in unorthodox deities such as Satan. Here are 10 strange and unusual occult practices from history.

10 Seances

Seances are occult practices conducted by mediums, almost always intending to contact the dead or persons who’ve crossed over to another plane. The French word “seance” translates to “sitting” in English, where practitioners would “sit” with spirits from another world.

Usually, practitioners sit in a circle of six to eight people, hold hands, and attempt to diminish any distractions which may hinder their desired result of summoning the dead. Sometimes, mediums report hearing otherworldly voices along with seeing ghosts manifest from another world.

At times, it is believed that the ghost speaks through the medium. Reportedly, ghosts have also used instruments to write, such as the famed Ouija board or pens or pencils that inscribe some communication on an object.

As the focal point of the seance, the medium is believed to make otherworldly contact with the dead. Some reports claim that a medium levitated in the air during a seance. However, it’s doubtful that modern science has developed any concrete evidence of such an event actually happening.^[1]

So what is it? Does a seance manifest real supernatural powers? Or is it just another case of people believing what they want at the expense of their reason?

9 Symbology

In the occult, symbolism carries a lot of meaning, whether to connect us to hidden worlds or to awaken things that are unconscious. The pentagram, one of the more popular symbols in our culture today, has a rich history that dates back to ancient Babylon. The star represented the pattern that Venus seemingly made in the sky as well as various beliefs. It has evolved to mean different things to different people.

Sigils are basically signatures of various deities, other angels, or demons. They are inscribed to manifest certain properties of those entities. This is one way that practitioners reach out to these powers for guidance or strength that they normally would not possess.

And then there is Baphomet, one of the best-known occult symbols, which dates to heresy and witchcraft trials of medieval times. It started with The Order in 1118 and served as a protective symbol for Christians when traveling in the Middle East.

Baphomet is the well-known goat with the pentagram on his head. Once The Order and the various Christian groups which subscribed to Baphomet became large enough to be considered a political threat to the Church, the symbol changed hands and was banned from the Church through a series of political maneuvers.^[2]

In time, this became a symbol of torture at the hands of the Church, which was administered to heretics.

8 Necropants

Necropants are an extremely odd bit of occultism stemming from Iceland. They consist of the skin of the legs and feet of the dead and are worn by the living. In fact, the Icelandic people of the 17th century were infatuated with rituals using the bodies of the dead, taking ribs here, skin from sheep there, and mixing it all together into these nightmarish, hodgepodge creatures that are left over to mortify us today.

When it came to necropants, a sorcerer had to get permission to use that person’s skin as pants for it to be the right thing to do. This would apparently bring the wearer greatness, good fortune, and even wealth, supposing they could stomach the macabre ritual.^[3]

At first, necropants were believed to be things of myth. But many of them have turned up and now reside in museums.

7 Divination

Divination is the attempt to gain foresight and knowledge about the future through various methods—from fortune-tellers to Magic 8 Balls to chance readings of a tea leaf or your palm. Psychics and tarot cards also fall under this category.

Sometimes, practitioners turn to crystal gazing. Other times, they stare into candlelight or even pools of water. These latter practices involve using the practitioner’s guidance and intuition to let the necessary messages come through and gain some sense of spiritual understanding about future events.

These practices have a long, dark history of bloodshed and oppression at the hands of the Church, which still sees divination as an evil incarnation of Satan. However, the occultist doesn’t see it that way.

Dating to St. Augustine of Hippo in the fifth century AD, who stated that any pagan traditions and religious practices were of the Devil, the Christian Church became increasingly brutal in its punishments of these practices. By the 13th century AD, any divination or attempt to understand future events was considered demon worship.^[4]

Between 1450 and 1600, the active period of punishing divination and similar practices, the Christian Church was responsible for the death, torture, and mutilation of tens of thousands of supposed “witches.”

6 Satanism

Although Satanism and the occult aren’t the same thing, both practices have borrowed heavily from one another throughout the centuries. The origins of true Satanism are quite mysterious as the Church has destroyed these cults rapidly wherever they popped up. But Satanic cults have been officially documented in Europe and North America as far back as the 17th century.

Satanism finds at least some of its roots in dark figures who were also synonymous with the occult throughout the centuries. Examples would be Hades, the ancient Greek god of the underworld, and Marduk. Thousands of years of worship of these figures have linked Satanism to occult practices because these figures are technically pagan gods and not Satan himself.

By the 20th century, Satanism was in full swing. The Satanic Church was established in America in the 1960s. Small cults have also sprung up worldwide. While the members of these groups don’t number in the millions like those of other religions, the strange and sometimes violent practices—like murder or suicide—by Satanic cults make it a well-known movement.

Despite their differences, Satanism and the occult are one and the same in the eyes of the Christian Church.^[5]

5 Human Sacrifice

Human sacrifice has occurred in some occult practices even to this day. In 1995, a 15-year-old girl named Elyse Pahler was lured to a eucalyptus grove and murdered. Her body was discovered eight months later. The suspects were 17-year-old Royce Casey, 14-year-old Joseph Fiorella, and 16-year-old Jacob Delashmutt.

This murder had all the hallmarks of an occultist or even a Satanic rape and killing. The teens returned to have sex with Pahler’s dead body over the ensuing weeks. When Casey confessed, he said that the rape and murder were sacrificial and for Satan. To the authorities, this was definitely an occult human sacrifice, not too unlike ancient times.^[6]

Many such instances have popped up worldwide. There was a media frenzy about these types of murders in the 1990s in the United States. A notable one was the Vampire Cult, led by Rod Ferrell, and its ritualistic and sacrificial killing of a Florida family. Ferrell was only 16 years old at the time of the murders.

The teens in this cult took drugs, performed blood and sex rituals, and eventually traveled from Kentucky to Florida to kill Naomi Ruth Queen and Richard Wendorf. Though rare, human sacrifice has definitely found its way into today’s society, often as an exercise in occultism.

4 Magick

Magick (alternate spelling to distinguish “magic” from “sleight-of-hand” or “stage” magic) in occultism entails efforts to call on extra-sensory forces to know and rule the “spirit” world and even control humans and inanimate objects. The term itself is an Early Modern English spelling for magic, used in works such as the 1651 translation of Heinrich Cornelius Agrippa’s De Occulta Philosophia, Three Books of Occult Philosophy, or Of Magick. Aleister Crowley defines magick as the “Science of understanding oneself and one’s conditions. It is the Art of applying that understanding in action.”^[7]

Magick ceremonies and those who practice them are seen as channels through which supernatural power affects change in human events and conditions. Those who practice “white magick” seek to produce positive or favorable outcomes. “Black magick” practitioners intend harm and evil results. Aspects of ritual in magick include banishing, invocation, evocation, purification, consecration, and divination (already discussed in this list).

Magick is as old as humanity and had its beginnings in humankind’s attempts to control one’s environment, survival, and destiny, either by controlling natural forces or appealing to higher powers for help. Anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski defined magic as having three functions and three elements. The three functions are to produce, to protect, or to destroy. The three elements are spells and incantations, rites or procedures, and altered states of consciousness accomplished through fasting, meditating, chanting, visualizing symbols, sleep deprivation, dancing, staring into flames, inhaling fumes, taking drugs, and so forth. Magick is practiced universally by skilled individuals who are either born into their powers or train themselves to acquire their abilities.

3 Demonism

With demonism, a practitioner seeks to summon the power of actual demons to bend to their will. According to Christianity and some occultist practices, demons are fallen angels sworn to subvert all good things and to carry out only evil in the world.

The Christian religion dating back to the times of the Holy Bible and the first teachings of the early Christians speaks of these dark figures, and they have been a consistent theme in much of recorded history. Some dark figures, like Santa Muerte, Our Lady of Holy Death, an actual death saint, even appear outside of the Christian doctrine, dating back tens of thousands of years.

John Milton’s Paradise Lost, which was published in 1667, describes these fallen demons cast out of Heaven in the Christian doctrine.^[8] After having been thrown into the dark, fiery abyss, Satan speaks to the demons thus:

Fall’n Cherube, to be weak is miserable
Doing or Suffering: but of this be sure,
To do ought good never will be our task,
But ever to do ill our sole delight,
As being the contrary to his high will
Whom we resist. If then his Providence
Out of our evil seek to bring forth good,
Our labour must be to pervert that end,
And out of good still to find means of evil.

Since ancient times, occultists have believed that they can harness these dark spirits to do evil. The practitioners have used ritualistic incantations to summon different demons for various purposes in many cultures throughout history—starting from Satan, the leader of all demons, to Ukobach, the demon in Hell, which attends to the flames.

Ihrinwe (aka “The Lord of Blood”) is believed to be responsible for humanity’s most violent acts. Serial killers and brutal dictators have been thought to be under the control of this demonic influence, perhaps even causing most of humanity’s atrocities.

2 Old Moore’s Almanac

Dating all the way back to 1697 in Ireland, Old Moore’s Almanac is a fun little occult publication with apparent prophecies of the future. It’s one of the oldest continual publications which contain horoscopes and other such means for people to supposedly dictate their futures.

What was once an anonymous publication is now a magazine complete with an interactive website and plenty for anyone who wishes to see what occult wisdom has in store for them. It also gave weather forecasts.

In time, it spawned numerous replicas and fakes. By 1851, an Irish man named John Francis Nugent created a spin-off called Nugent’s Old Moore’s Almanac. He didn’t hide the fact that it was plainly a rip-off, even though the original publication had already been around for over a century.

Both almanacs were competitors until Nugent died in 1866. The editor for Old Moore’s Almanac also signed up to be the editor for Nugent’s Old Moore’s Almanac and worked for both publications for years.^[9]

1 Hermeticism

Hermeticism is the ancient practice of esoteric wisdom overall and contains a lot of texts and ideas under its umbrella. It is one of the oldest occult practices of all time, beginning with the intermingling of the Greco-Roman and Egyptian cultures and philosophy meeting mysticism.

While “popular” Hermeticism is the practice of more common things like astrology, “learned” Hermeticism is a bit deeper and more in tune with the modern concept of Gnosticism. The main goal was to gain a true understanding of God’s knowledge and make the natural out of the supernatural through understanding.

In a very real way, this fundamental concept was the obscure, humble beginnings of our scientific advancements today by taming the unknown and making it known. Alchemists, Freemasons, and Gnostics all fall under the branch of Hermeticism.

Scholars have suggested that alchemy was never about creating gold but about the lessons learned along the way. Mixing metals to forge gold was never intended to be a realistic possibility. Instead, it was symbolic of the pursuit of knowledge and the futility of attaining material things like gold and wealth.

Considering that Hermeticism comes from Pythagoreanism, which is based on mystical teachings of natural harmony, this is a good possibility. Pythagoras was obsessed with finding the secret fundamental substance of the cosmos, which is in line with the goals of all occultism. Alchemy grew out of this tradition.

However, Hermeticism differs from science in its aims. Where science seeks to study the natural world, Hermetics seeks to study the supernatural realm in hopes of gaining an understanding from that which isn’t readily apparent or intuitive. Ancient religions aside, Hermeticism is the all-encompassing concept of the search for a deeper, more fundamental knowledge that is the foundation of all occultism.^[10]

I like to write about dark stuff, history, and philosophy. Here’s a fun little bit telling the history of some of the more dark and esoteric occult practices.

The idea of an assassin often invokes the image of the lone gunman, working on his own to eliminate whoever he views as a threat. But a handful of groups have recruited enough of these individuals to assemble into entire organizations—made up of those willing to kill for what they believe in.

10The Vishkanyas

The vishkanya, deadly and beautiful assassins, were developed in ancient India to end the conflict between kings without widespread violence. According to ancient literature, one way of grooming a girl was to dose her with poison a bit at a time until she built up an immunity to it.^[1] She would then be sent into an enemy camp or tasked with getting close to a rival king, administering poison to him while eating and drinking from the same vessels to allay suspicion. In other cases, the girl might be purposely infected with a poison (spread through blood or sexual contact) or an infectious disease before being dispatched to the rival capital or camp.

9Werwolf

The Werwolves were a group of around 5,000 volunteers selected from the most promising members of the Hitler Youth and the Waffen SS. They were trained in sabotage and silent killing, and then they were left behind in territories taken from Nazi control and placed in Allied hands. While there are a few sporadic reports of Werwolf cells being effective, they were, for the most part, crippled by many of the same problems that plagued the mainstream Nazi armies at the end of the war.^[2]

In the spring of 1945, there was a rash of assassinations of civil officials and Allied-appointed mayors in towns once held by German forces. The most famous was the assassination of Franz Oppenhoff, appointed head of Aachen. Officially called Operation Carnival, the assassins disguised themselves as downed German pilots to get close enough to Aachen’s mayor to shoot and kill him.

8The Band of Thebes

The Sacred Band of Thebes, a troop of soldiers that consisted of 150 gay male couples, formed the elite force of the Theban army in the 4th century BC. The rationale behind the Band’s composition was that lovers would fight more fiercely and cohesively than strangers with no intense bonds. Theban general Pelopidas formed these couples into a distinct unit—the “special forces” of Greek soldiery—and the 40 years of their known existence (378–338 BC) marked the pre-eminence of Thebes as a military and political power in late-classical Greece.

The Sacred Band fought the Spartans at Tegyra in 375 BC, vanquishing an army that was at least three times its size. It was also responsible for the victory at Leuctra in 371 BC that established Theban independence from Spartan rule and laid the groundwork for expanding Theban power. Their only defeat came at the Battle of Chaeronea (338 BC), against Philip II of Macedon and his son, Alexander the Great. It is written that Philip, after the fight, took a view of the slain; coming upon the place where the three hundred that fought his phalanx lay dead together and, understanding that it was the band of lovers, he wept. Around 300 BC, the town of Thebes erected a giant stone lion on a pedestal at the burial site of the Sacred Band that still stands today.^[3]

7Sarasota Assassination Society

Founded in 1884 as a political club, the Sara Sota Vigilance Committee was renamed the Sarasota Assassination Society by The New York Times. By then, nine of the 22 members were on trial for two murders.

Their politics was an angry divide between the North and the South. With so many Northerners heading down to enjoy the business opportunities in the South, there was quite a bit of bitterness. The group’s official purpose became ridding the state of those the law wouldn’t touch, “the removal of all obnoxious persons.”^[4]

It is not clear how many of these obnoxious persons the society got rid of, but the murder of a postmaster named Charles Abbe catapulted the society to the front page of the national news. Abbe’s body was dumped in the Gulf of Mexico and was never recovered, and the prison sentences handed out to society members were enough to lead to the organization’s downfall.

6The Black Hand

When 10 men from Serbia formed The Black Hand in 1911, they did so with a very straightforward goal: using violence and terrorist activities to create a unified Serbia.

That started with sending out assassins to first kill Emperor Franz Josef, then the governor of Bosnia-Herzegovina, General Oskar Potiorek. Both attempts failed, but membership in the group rose. By 1914, one man, in particular, needed to go: Archduke Franz Ferdinand.^[5]

Three Black Hand assassins set up along the motorcade’s route to ensure someone’s success, and Gavrilo Princip succeeded, where Trifko Grabez and Nedeljko Cabrinovic failed. All three had been inducted into the group by members recruiting from Belgrade cafes.

5The Sicarii

The Sicarii were Jewish assassins named for their weapon of choice—a curved dagger called a sica. They received the name from ancient Greek historian Josephus, who wrote about the anti-Roman group’s preferred method of killing. While they were known for their large-scale raids, they are more commonly associated with their tactics of simply hiding their weapons in their clothes and stalking their targets through what would normally be rather inconvenient public locations.

The group was known as followers of Judas of Galilee, and their goal was a simple one: incite rebellion against Rome. A revolt did happen in Jerusalem in 65 BC, but the unsuccessful revolt led to the eventual disappearance of the group.^[6] They last appeared at an attack on the ancient fortress at Masada. Eventually, the term “sicarii” was broadened to refer to any Jewish terrorist.

4Harmodius, Aristogiton, and the Tyrannicides

According to Cicero, the assassination of a political leader is sometimes justified if that act meets certain criteria. If the leader has committed atrocities against his people and the common good, if the death will advance the common good, and if the act is a last resort, it can be justified—and those who commit the assassination are the tyrannicides.

The original tyrannicides were Harmodius and Aristogeiton, a pair of lovers who murdered the brother of Athenian tyrant Hippias. Even though they failed to kill their target, their actions were glorified by Athenian history, and their motivation was elevated to an Athenian ideal.^[7] After their martyrdom, Athenian citizens vowed to assassinate any future tyrants, and tyrannicides (and their descendants) were granted rewards like tax exemptions, free meals, and front-row theater seats.

3Murder, Inc.

Murder, Inc. was a branch of the National Crime Syndicate, responsible for 400–1,000 assassinations during the 1930s and 1940s.

Their headquarters were in the Midnight Rose Candy Store, a 24-hour store in Brooklyn. The store had a bank of payphones, and assassins would wait for the phone to ring with details about the next hit. Most hits were along the East Coast, and most were done with an ice pick, and most targets were either gangsters more trouble than they were worth or ordinary citizens who had the misfortune of witnessing a crime.^[8]

Murder, Inc. was run by Louis “Lepke” Buchalter, who met his own end in the electric chair in 1944. Originally, his arrest came with a 14-year sentence on drug charges, and his execution came amid conspiracy theories about just who he had killed and who he was really connected to.

2The Nokmim

A handful of different words refer to the Jewish assassins who made it their duty to make sure unpunished Nazi war criminals paid the price for their actions. Some call the group “Nokmim,” Hebrew for “Avengers.”

The group was secretive, and the few testimonies of former members tell differing stories and give no real estimates as to how many Nazis were hunted and killed by the organization. One BBC reporter who wrote extensively on the Nokmim told stories about everything from hit-and-run incidents to one former Gestapo officer who was in the hospital for a minor operation when he came down with a fatal case of kerosene injected into his blood.

No one knows how long the Nokmim were active, but they likely operated well into the 1950s. Their reach was worldwide and included individual assassinations and massive operations aimed at eliminating scores of men with (failed) plans to poison the water supplies of entire cities.^[9]

1Hassan-is-Sabbah’s Assassins

When Hassan-is-Sabbah died in 1124, he left behind a sect of believers in the Fortress Alamut, the heart of an assassin’s guild for the next century and a half until they were wiped out by the Mongols in 1256.

A philosopher and preacher, also known as the Old Man of the Mountain, he taught that there was nothing honorable about leaders who lived a life of luxury while their people starved. The most devoted were trained to remove heads of state and military they saw as corrupt and too powerful, along with those who followed the Sunni doctrine.

The first recorded assassination was in 1092, and the order then targeted anyone they saw as unjust, including those who fought in the Crusades. Viewing themselves as judges rather than murderers, the ranks of the assassins would grow so large they would eventually occupy 70 locations and communicate through their own coded language.^[10]

History will never forget Neil Armstrong’s first steps on the Moon or the Wright Brothers’ first moments of flying through the sky. However, some historical firsts—mundane things—never quite stood the test of time.

Fortunately, historians and archaeologists have taken the time to track these things down. Thanks to their tireless work, history will never forget those moments so vital to human development—like the one when the first fart joke was cracked.

10 First Drinking Straw Was Made Of Gold
3000 BC

Drinking straws aren’t one of those things you imagine coming hand in hand with the dawn of civilization. But the cheap plastic bending tubes you use to keep your clumsy kid from spilling have been around since the world’s first empire—although back then, they were a lot fancier.

The oldest drinking straw was found in a 5,000-year-old tomb and was made out of gold encrusted with precious blue stones. The owner was so proud of his straw that he even put a seal in his tomb that showed him using it to drink out of a jar, lest anyone forget that he liked to sip drinks with his sippy straw.

There’s a reason. Sumerians used straws to drink beer, which was as thick as porridge in those days. That might sound disgusting, but Sumerians considered beer to be a gift from the gods. So using a gold straw was just giving beer the respect it deserved.

9 First Recorded Gay Couple Were Manicurists
2400 BC

As it turns out, gay marriage is about as traditional as it can be. According to Professor Greg Reeder, the first recorded gay couple in history was Niankhkhnum and Khnumhotep, two manicurists working for an Egyptian pharaoh.

The pair was buried together as a married couple, facing nose to nose as if getting ready to kiss. There are also puns around their tomb about their being united together for life, suggesting that these two men were more than just close friends.

Reeder’s theory of the pair as a gay couple is controversial. Some who disagree have pointed out the picture of Niankhkhnum’s wife in the tomb. Reeder responds that somebody purposefully tried to scratch the picture off the wall—meaning that, unfortunately for his wife, Niankhkhnum may not have realized some things about himself until late in life.

8 First Fart Joke Was Etched In Stone
1900 BC

The first fart joke in recorded history also happens to be the first joke of all time. Etched into a stone tablet in Babylon, archaeologists found a message that someone preserved for all time:

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.

Likely, there had been earlier fart jokes. But this was the first time a man was so inspired by his own wit that he chiseled his joke into the side of a stone so that people thousands of years in the future would be able to enjoy it.

In another 300 years, the first non-fart joke emerged when an Egyptian wrote on a piece of papyrus:

How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.

7 First Pregnancy Test Grew Crops With Urine
1350 BC

History’s first pregnancy test was etched onto a papyrus sheet more than 3,000 years ago. The ancient Egyptians had a weird way to find out if a woman was carrying a child and to determine if it was a boy or a girl.

First, the woman would pee on a bowl of barley and wheat seeds. She would let them stew for a few days and then plant them in the fields. If the barley grew first, she was carrying a girl. If it was wheat, she was carrying a boy. If nothing grew, she wasn’t pregnant.

Surprisingly, it actually worked. Although it probably couldn’t determine gender, researchers found that the test could detect pregnancies with an impressive 70 percent accuracy rate.

6 First 20-Sided Die Made In Ancient Egypt
300 BC

Anyone who has ever played Dungeons & Dragons has used a 20-sided die. It’s a key component of the game, essential in almost every situation that involves sitting in the basement imagining you’re a wizard.

As it turns out, though, the 20-sided die wasn’t invented for tabletop gaming. It was created a good 2,000 years earlier.

A 20-sided die carved from a rock was found in Egypt and looks shockingly familiar. In fact, other than the Greek symbols carved onto each side, it’s almost identical to the ones we use today to roll for initiative.

It’s not clear what the Egyptians used it for, but the symbols appear to represent either letters or numbers—meaning that even the symbols on the side might be the same as those on a modern die.

5 First Vending Machine Dispensed Holy Water
100 BC

Today, it’s almost impossible to imagine a vending machine being used for anything other than hawking cheap products. When the first one was created, though, it was used to dispense holy water.

The vending machine was invented by Hero of Alexandria, an engineer credited with countless innovations of his time. Hero’s vending machine used the weight of the coin to push a platform down. Then a valve opened and a little trickle of holy water would come out.

He set up vending machines in temples all across the country, finally giving people a way to get holy water on the go without all the bother of talking to a priest.

4 First Marketing Pun Was Found In Pompeii
AD 79

Companies with puns for names seem like a staple of business, but they had to get their start somewhere. From locally grown businesses like Hair Force One and Pho Shizzle to bars like Tequila Mockingbird, naming a business with a cheesy play on words is a time-honored way to pull in a few stray eyes.

It all started in Pompeii. While excavating the ruins of the buried Roman city, archaeologists stumbled upon the oldest marketing pun ever found. A brand of wine called Vesuvinum was still there—a portmanteau that combined the name of a nearby mountain with the Latin word vinum (“wine”).

3 First Selfie Was Also The First Portrait
AD 1839

When Robert Cornelius, an amateur chemist fascinated with the new photography craze, set up a camera in the back of his family’s store, he knew he was about to make history. He just didn’t know how.

Cornelius didn’t have the funds to hire a model or the ambition to find a proper subject in nature. So he figured he would just photograph himself. He was, after all, only trying to test his new equipment.

He turned on the camera, ran into the frame, and stood as still as he could for the minute it took for the camera to do its work. Then he rushed back to the other side and closed the lens. When the photograph came out, he proudly wrote on the back that it was “the first light picture ever.”

History, though, would remember it as something else: the first selfie.

2 First Child To Imitate An Airplane Was The First To See One
AD 1904

Pretending to be an airplane seems to be an almost instinctive act for children—so much so that even the first child who ever saw one did it. When the Wright Brothers tested their flying machine, they weren’t in complete seclusion. There was a family who caught the sight—and with them, a young boy.

When a reporter asked the young boy to describe the flight, he instinctively threw his arms out and ran around making engine noises. So children have literally been pretending to be airplanes ever since the first child saw one.

1 First Message Over The Internet Was ‘LOL’
AD 1969

On October 29, 1969, a group of scientists conducted the first test of ARPANET—a moment that’s sometimes considered to be the first time the modern Internet went online. In the process, purely by chance, they typed a message that would dominate the Internet for years to come.

A programming student named Charley Kline sat down to type the first message that would be sent to a computer 645 kilometers (400 mi) away: “LOGIN.” When he started typing, though, he had a problem. He entered the letters “L” and “O.” But before he could finish, the computer crashed.

Kline rebooted the system and tried again. This time, he got his full message out without any problems. By pure prophetic chance, though, the first three letters ever typed on the Internet became “LOL.”