We have had a lot of very serious lists on the site lately so I am posting a totally silly list. I can not vouch for whether these are authentic answers to the English GCSE exam, but regardless, they are funny.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Technorati Tags: Humor, GCSE

As the global COVID-19 pandemic escalates, a growing number of people across the world are in various stages of lockdown, as countries take extreme measures to control the spread of the deadly virus. In fact to date it is estimated that approximately one third of the world’s population are currently in enforced isolation.

Top 10 Images That Show The Positive Side Of The Coronavirus Pandemic

Being confined to home for weeks on end, with limited outside activity permitted has inevitably led to a boredom, as people across the world try to fill in their time in isolation. In most European cities, citizens are confined to their own small apartments within massive apartment blocks, without the opportunity to head out into the back yard which will be enjoyed by Australians and New Zealanders.

This enforced isolation has highlighted how much we all need the daily social interaction with our friends and neighbors.

Despite the gravity of the situation, humor in times of adversity has helped us to cope with these unprecedented restrictions to our daily lives. This has prompted the #Stayathome challenge across social media, both to ease our own boredom and to amuse others looking to the internet for entertainment. Hilarious memes and videos are circling the internet, providing us with some light hearted relief to the crisis.

A number of communities have come up with ingenious ideas to remain connected in isolation, while others have made some quite hilarious attempts to get around restrictions. Many have determined not to let cancelled travel plans to thwart their opportunity to simply have a fun time.

10 Balcony bingo

Residents in a housing estate in Ringsend, Dublin recently vied for prizes of Easter eggs and toilet paper in rounds of “Balcony Bingo”.

Resident Michael Larkin decided to ease the boredom of isolation. Kitted out in a protective boiler suit, Larkin handed out cards to residents, who then returned to their balconies to observe the strict 2 meter social distancing rules.

It was then “eyes down” as the numbers were called through a PA system. Larkin was amazed at the response his ingenious entertainment received on social media, with other nearby estates adopting the idea to amuse their elderly residents.

Meanwhile, in Shebyville, Kentucky, staff have ensured that the 1500 residents of their Masonic retirement village can still get their bingo fix.

Residents can be seen lined up with tables along a long corridor, marking off their bingo cards as their numbers are called from a nurses station at the end of the hall.^[1]

9 Rooftop aerobics

A Spanish fitness instructor went to new heights to raise both morale and fitness levels of his neighbors in isolation. Trainer Gonzalo used the lockdown as a great opportunity to promote health and fitness during their two weeks indoors.

Getting around the strict lockdown measures in Seville Spain, the trainer took to a courtyard rooftop with a PA system, encouraging the surrounding residents to move to the upbeat music.
Neighbors from surrounding apartment blocks flocked to their balconies to move their way through an aerobic workout of squats, star-jumps and crunches as a PA thumped out the workout music.
Enthusiastic residents take to their balconies in their workout gear each morning to get their daily gym-fix from the safety of isolation.^[2]

8 Barking mad

Lockdown and isolation is sending many people barking mad. A 30 minute walk with the dog once a day provides a much need breath of fresh air for many residents in lockdown across the globe.

A man in Palencia, Spain thought of a fur-brained scheme to take advantage of the dog-walking clause. Putting a leash around a fluffy toy, he proceeded to head out for a walk with his inanimate canine friend. His plans however were quickly stuffed, when passing police officers brought a halt to his stunt. The Spaniard received a hefty fine for his dogged attempt to breach isolation orders.^[3]

7 Toulouse balcony run

Sports around the world have ground to a standstill. Organised sporting matches and even the Tokyo Olympic Games have been placed on hold, with many athletes trying to find ways to maintain their fitness levels and continue training in isolation.

A French runner was not prepared to let his training for two major marathons to go to waste. The Toulouse man instead managed to run a full marathon from his tiny balcony.
Despite the cancellation of both the Barcelona and Paris marathons, the 32 year old determinedly finished his runs, doing laps of his 7 meter balcony. The 26.2 mile run took him just 6 hours and 48 minutes to complete.^[4]

6 T-rextreme measures

Spanish police were astounded to find a dinosaur on the loose, flouting strict isolation rules under their current lockdown. Many residents take advantage of the opportunity to take “Rex” for a brief walk, but it seems “T-Rex” doesn’t cut it with local authorities.

The Murcia resident was found dressed in a full, inflatable Tyrannosaurus Rex costume as he took a stroll outside. It’s unclear whether the bizarre costume would protect him against COVID-19, but it certainly did not protect him from the wrath of local authorities. Police reminded residents that while they may be allowed to briefly walk their pets, “dinosaurs don’t count.”
Set to the “Jurassic Park” theme music, a video of the bizarre encounter has gone viral on social media.^[5]

10 Amusing Ways People Have Mocked Dictators

5 Balcony concerts

Balcony singing was one of the first isolation stories to appear on social media, as bored Italians tried to connect with friends and neighbors. From instrumental concerts, with piano, sax and violin joining from nearby windows, to full neighborhood sing-a-longs, the phenomenon has grown across the world to help raise the spirits of those in isolation. Voices echoing across deserted courtyards have helped us to unite in song. Professional singers entertain the neighborhood on a daily basis, while other neighbors get together for impromptu percussion sessions.
In Boston Massechusetts, singer Mike DiCarlo took to his balcony with a corona-inspired parody of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline”.

Nearby residents quickly joined in, on the “hands not touching hands” version of the famous song. The one-off concert has grown into a nightly rendition each night, with requests taken via social media. The most popular requests of the day can be heard at 6pm each evening.^[6]

4 Disney at home

So many of us have had to cancel eagerly anticipated vacations as airlines and tourist attractions around the world have shut down in response to COVID-19. Disneyland was one of the first major attractions forced to close their doors due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

One US family forced to cancel their Disney vacation cleverly applied a “Pirates of the Carribean” theme to their enforced “staycation”.

With clever props, the family dressed up as their favorite pirates, sharing their unique virtual Disney experience with Twitter followers. Complete with funny pirate accents and their role plays of visiting their favorite attractions, the family have inspired many other house-bound parents to get more creative with their lockdown activities.^[7]

3 Balcony tennis, Madrid

Organised sports may be banned for the foreseeable future, with sports enthusiasts finding unique ways to enjoy a little physical activity in isolation. One impromptu sports event was a hit with bored Spaniards as two Madrid men had the internet cheering with their twitter-vised tennis match.

The match saw the players rallying the ball between their apartment windows, before calling “out” as the ball dropped to the ground.

Im sure there was no window of opportunity to challenge the umpire’s ruling during this match, let alone the convenience of having a ballboy retrieve the ball after your missed shot.^[8]

2 Televised cruise

Cruising around exotic destinations has become an increasingly popular vacation option. However with cruise-related corona outbreaks prevalent around the globe, many travelers have chosen not to take the risk and most cruises have been cancelled until further notice.

The cancellation of their Pacific Island cruise was no setback to an Australian Couple. With the help of You-Tube videos, the couple donned their cruise attire, putting their feet up in the comfort of their living room. Sipping cocktails, they enjoyed a televised cruise on the TV screen.

The virtual vacation certainly helped to bouy their spirits during isolation.^[9]

1 Virtual Zoo

As parents face the challenging task of home-schooling children in isolation, many zoos have been live streaming their animal sanctuaries to allow the animals to provide some much-needed entertainment. #AnimalsAtHome allows children to visit the tigers, bears, dolphins and otters in the many zoos and aquariums which have been closed due to COVID-19, providing hours of educational entertainment.

Edinburgh Zoo was one of the first to provide this sanity-saving service. It allowed frazzled parents to safely send the kids for a day at the zoo as they came to terms with their new home-schooling schedules.

At Australia’s Melbourne zoo, however the antics in the giraffe enclosure were overshadowed by an hilarious impromptu dance performance by the zookeeper. The fan-waving antics of the Victorian zoo-diva became a hit across social media as he sashayed and twirled around the feed enclosure. The giraffes seemed quite unfazed by their keeper’s bizarre antics.^[10]

Top 10 Hilarious Reactions To The Toilet Paper Shortage

In 1972, Scottish biologist Ivan T. Sanderson described a new geography of the globe: an “energetic planetary grid” based on twelve ‘vile vortices’ or ‘devil’s graveyards’ where “funny things happen”. The Bermuda Triangle was the first on his list. According to Sanderson, hot and cold air and sea currents in this and other regions create electromagnetic anomalies that ultimately cause ships and planes to fail.

Numbering six in the northern hemisphere and six in the south, the vortices mostly lie in the Tropics of Cancer and Capricorn. The only two that don’t are the North and South Poles, but Sanderson himself was dismissive of these. 

While the theory seems kooky, it didn’t come from nowhere. It was actually part of a wider parallel “science”. In fact, it seems to have elaborated on copies of two “ancient” maps – the Piri Reis and Buache – found in 1929 but dated (allegedly as copies of earlier versions) to 1523 and 1737 respectively. These featured similar geometry to Sanderson’s, as well as a detailed survey of Antarctica not possible until 1958. In turn, Sanderson’s theory inspired many others – like the three Soviet scientists who added 50 more sites to his list.

OK, so it is kooky. But as alternative science and history grow in popularity, you may hear a lot more about it. Agree with him or not, here’s a quick primer on his ten devil’s graveyards – listed in the order he found them.

10. 26.57 N 76.80 W (The Bermuda Triangle)

Known for its turbulent, unpredictable weather patterns and disappearing ships and aircraft, the Bermuda Triangle is the best studied site on this list. It’s the one that got Sanderson thinking. Although the official line – which refuses to even acknowledge the Bermuda Triangle – says there are no more disappearances here than anywhere else, there are many strange things about it. For example, true and magnetic north sometimes align in the region. It’s also the source of many hurricanes and, while much of it is shallow, parts around Puerto Rico are the deepest in the whole Atlantic. In any case, Sanderson had just one incident in mind: Flight 19. 

On December 5, 1945, five TBM Avenger torpedo bombers vanished without a trace shortly after taking off from Fort Lauderdale. Allegedly, the pilots were able to maintain radio contact with each other for a time – and could be heard wondering where they were and why the ocean looked wrong. A Martin PBM Mariner dispatched to find the missing aircraft also disappeared – according to Sanderson, within 15 minutes.

Although “debunked” by Larry Kusche, Flight 19 was almost two decades before the words “Bermuda Triangle” came into use. An even earlier incident in March 1918 saw the unexplained (to this day) disappearance of Navy collier USS Cyclops – the wreckage of which has never been found.

9. 26.57 N 139.2 E (The Devil’s Sea)

The next site to get Sanderson’s attention lies off the east coast of Japan. Also known as the Formosa or Dragon’s Triangle, the Devil’s Sea sits at the intersection of three ocean ridges. Like the Bermuda Triangle, it has – allegedly – been the site of numerous disappearances, attributed by Sanderson to hot and cold currents.

The most famous was the research vessel the No. 5 Kaiyo-Maru, which disappeared in September 1953 along with its 31 crew members. But, as Skeptoid points out, since it was in the vicinity of an erupting underwater volcano – and debris from the wreckage was found – this isn’t that much of a mystery.

That said, other ships – including military and fishing vessels – are also said to have vanished. For example, Sanderson was surprised when, appearing on The Dick Cavett Show to debate his theories with skeptic Arthur Godfrey, the latter had his own tales to share. Among them were firsthand reports of instrument failure while flying over the region.

8. 26.57 N 4.8 W (Algerian Sahara)

At Tindouf, Algeria – on the edge of a dune sea – lies the next devil’s graveyard on the list. Linked to “mysterious plane disappearances over the Sahara,” this oasis rich in minerals is where many birds spend the winter.

The specific location varies depending on the source, with El Eglab (300 kilometers southeast) and the mysterious Jedars – the Algerian pyramids or megaliths – (1400 kilometers northeast) being the most commonly mentioned. Considering the size of the Bermuda Triangle, though (at least 805,000 sq. km.), this actually does make sense. 

In fact, Sanderson’s interest in the region was originally piqued by reports of two submarines and four small vessels disappearing in the Mediterranean – not in the Sahara but off the north coast of the country.

7. 26.57 N 67.20 E (Pakistan)

Shortly after identifying the Algerian “vortex,” Sanderson got a letter saying planes carrying gold were disappearing over Afghanistan. Some of the gold had been found but there was still no trace of the planes. Of course, this being the Afghani-Pakistan border, it was hardly a case for The X-Files. But what was surprising was that the sender of the letter had no idea Sanderson was looking into this stuff. Needless to say, the coincidence led Sanderson to his next devil’s graveyard. 

Centered on the Sindh-Balochistan border north of Karachi, Pakistan, the area he settled on isn’t too far south (100 kilometers or so, as the crow flies) of Mohenjo-Daro – an ancient capital of the Indus Valley Civilization. Although he didn’t mention it in his article, the “lost city” – obviously once luxurious and powerful despite its absence of palaces or temples – remains a mystery to archaeologists. We still don’t know who lived there, or why, around 1900 BC, they seem to have disappeared. Allegedly, model aircraft have also been found in the city.

Proximity to Mohenjo-Daro aside, though, this site was chosen mainly because it fit the emerging pattern of Sanderson’s planetary grid. Interestingly, it’s also linked by a fault line to the Algerian devil’s graveyard.

6. 26.57 N 148.80 W (Hamakulia volcano, Hawaii)

References to “Hamakulia volcano” appear solely in articles about Sanderson. It doesn’t exist in the real world. In fact, there’s no known volcano by any name at the coordinates for this vile vortex. Nevertheless, having identified four sites along the 26.57°N line of longitude – each separated by 72° – the next one had to be here.

Allegedly planes have disappeared over this region. Arthur Godfrey from The Dick Cavett Show once told Sanderson that an experimental flight he was meant to be on but missed vanished while he followed by radar. And a pilot flying a plane full of passengers over the zone claimed to have lost comms for 560 kilometers. When contact finally returned, he was shocked to be told that no time had passed whatsoever.

Intriguing as these tales are, Hawaii’s volcanoes are mysterious enough as it is. We still don’t really know how they form. Being in the middle of the Pacific Plate, thousands of kilometers from any fault lines, they don’t fit with what we know about how volcanoes form.

5. 26.57 S 40.80 W (The South Atlantic Anomaly)

Turning his attention to the southern hemisphere, Sanderson placed his next vortex southeast of Rio de Janiero. The South Atlantic Anomaly (SAA), the point where the Earth’s magnetic field is at its weakest, is – unlike the Bermuda Triangle and so on – officially recognized as a place where “funny things happen”. NASA has called it a “pothole in space”. It’s where charged particles from the Sun are able to penetrate closer to the surface and, as a result, cause problems for orbiting spacecraft.

Instruments aboard the International Space Station, Skylab, NASA space shuttles, and SpaceX’s Dragon craft are all prone to glitches and premature aging. The Hubble Space Telescope is also affected, spending nearly 15 percent of its orbit here. Even astronauts have issues – reporting weird ‘shooting stars’ in their vision.

Although the anomaly seems not to affect life on the surface, Sanderson claimed to know of “alarming disappearances” in the region. It also appears to be growing. According to NASA, the SAA is “expanding westward” and splitting into “two lobes, creating additional challenges for satellite missions.” 

4. 26.57 S 31.20 E (Eswatini, formerly Swaziland)

Though focused on the Eswatini town of Luyengo on the Maputo River, this devil’s graveyard has been linked to the ruins of Great Zimbabwe – 900 kilometers to the north. It’s unclear what “alarming disappearances … off the southeast coast of South Africa” Sanderson had in mind here, but the ancient city is a mystery in itself.

Built around 900 years ago, it was once a global center of trade and religion. Artefacts from as far as China have been found there, along with copper crosses thought to have been used as a currency. The ruins themselves have features that we still don’t understand. One of these – “the largest single prehistoric structure in sub-Saharan Africa” – is a 10-meter-high, 5-meter-wide conical tower, surrounded by a wall that’s 250 meters long and 11 meters high.

The city of Great Zimbabwe was thought so advanced by early (racist European) explorers that it could never have been constructed by Africans. Instead, they believed it was evidence of a “civilized” (i.e. white) African nation. In any case, for reasons unknown, it was abandoned in the 15th century.

3. 26.57 S 175.20 E (The Loyalty Islands)

The Loyalty Islands are an archipelago 1,600 kilometers east of Australia. Known for cyclones and earthquakes, it’s no surprise that a ship carrying 75 passengers once mysteriously disappeared here. Part of this has to do with the 1200-kilometer New Hebrides Trench, which reaches depths of more than 7,500 meters in places and remains largely unexplored. What we do know about it is that it’s ecologically very different from any other deep sea trench.

Taking these features together as one devil’s graveyard, it’s interesting that an entire landmass also “disappeared” here. Sandy Island, which has appeared on maps (including Google Earth) for many decades, has long been assumed to exist. Someone must have seen it at some point. But when scientists set out to visit in 2012, they found only open ocean – 1,400 kilometers deep.

2. 26.57 S 112.80 W (Easter Island Fracture Zone)

Sanderson found the next vortex by measuring 72 degrees from the South Atlantic Anomaly, which led him to Easter Island – and the ,5900 kilometer Easter Fracture Zone on which it sits.

There’s not a lot to be said about this one in the way of documented disappearances, except of course for the island civilization that built the mysterious Moai. The mainstream theory for how these people disappeared is their precipitation of ecological collapse. Once they’d cut down all the trees – for agriculture, fuel, and transporting their iconic statues – the soil depleted and people starved. It’s thought rats prevented regeneration by eating all the seeds and disease-ridden European explorers killed off any survivors.

Alternative theories, meanwhile, suggest the statues are alive or left by UFOs.

1. 26.57 S 103.20 E (Wharton Basin)

72 degrees from the Loyalty Islands is Wharton Basin – “an area of deadliness,” Sanderson heard – in the northeast Indian Ocean, 400 kilomdgdfx off Sumatra. It’s here, from a seafloor riddled with fracture zones, that many large earthquakes originate.

It’s also where Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 disappeared in 2014. Pings from the black box narrowed the plane down to a 32 by 16-kilometer stretch before falling silent forever. It’s thought the Boeing 777, which disappeared in March of that year, lies buried in the Basin’s silt floor. However, the region is largely uncharted, the depth abyssal, and, despite early optimism, the wreckage still hasn’t been found.

More recently, we’ve learned Flight 370 didn’t fly straight into the sea but circled for 20 minutes first – similar to the ‘holding pattern’ while waiting to land at an airport. A number of explanations have been offered for this: The pilot may have been communicating with the Malaysian government, or checking to see if he was followed, or simply thinking things through. But what this new information makes clear is that the pilot – or a pilot – wasn’t unconscious as previously thought but “deliberately flew the plane into oblivion”. We just don’t know why.

Just to conclude, the North and South Poles are – as mentioned – the final two devil’s graveyards. Suggested by professional pilots, they’re places where time is “a little off”. While Sanderson did include them in his grid, he was also mostly dismissive, attributing the phenomenon to simple disorientation caused by compass malfunction. Which makes one wonder – is his skepticism here (which wasn’t out of character) enough to lend credence to his theory?