It’s fun to reflect on the things that we human beings are capable of when we put our minds to it, and we love lists that celebrate the human tendency to use healthy competition to strive for the betterment of the human race. Yes, we love to uplift the human spirit of achievement, but . . . not today.

No—the following ten people are different. Some have achieved undeniably remarkable yet utterly pointless things; some can make singular claims to fame which no others can (or would care to) make; most would have great stories to tell, and all pretty much stumbled ass-backwards into history:

Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Dock Ellis woke up in San Diego on Thursday, June 11, 1970, and kicked off the day by dropping acid, which we don’t recommend. The Pirates were in town to play the Padres on Friday, and Dock figured he had a whole day to kill. He was pumped, although the previous day’s trip to California was a little hazy on account of the acid he’d been on then, too.

Shortly, a friend’s girlfriend informed him that he was mixing up the previous day with the previous two days—that it was in fact Friday, and that he was scheduled to start against the Padres in just a few hours. With no time to waste, Dock jumped in a cab, and before he knew it he was facing down the San Diego starting lineup with his brains coming out of his ears.

Not only did Ellis finish the game, but he pitched easily the best game of his career. This despite his account of the experience:

“I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was zeroed in on the glove . . . I remember hitting a couple of batters, and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes, I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. I started having a crazy idea in the fourth inning that Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire, and once I thought I was pitching a baseball to Jimi Hendrix, who to me was holding a guitar and swinging it over the plate. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.”

It was under these circumstances that Dock Ellis somehow completed the only no-hitter of his career. He never used LSD during a season—let alone a game—ever again.

Press Your Luck was an American game show of the 1980s, in which contestants would hit a plunger to stop a randomly shifting game board. The spaces on the board contained cash, prizes, and “Whammies”—little animated elves that would steal all of your cash should you land on one. In 1984, ice cream truck driver Michael Larson discovered with the help of his VCR’s pause button that the movements of the board were actually not random, but only appeared that way. Though the pattern was complicated, there was a pattern nonetheless. One that could be memorized.

Larson appeared on the only episode of Press Your Luck to be broken into two parts, aired over two days in June of 1984. It had to be—he couldn’t stop spinning. After nervously landing on a Whammy on his first attempt, Michael spun forty-five consecutive times without hitting another one.

He broke the bank, clearing $110,000 dollars—a record that still stands for single-day winnings on game shows with returning champions. After careful investigation, it was determined that technically, there was no rule against memorizing the board, and he was allowed to keep his winnings. Needless to say, he was not invited back and the board was reprogrammed to prevent others from exploiting the same weakness.

Elaine Davidson first claimed the record for most piercings in a single human being in 2000, when the Guinness Book recognized her 462 piercings. Crazy, right? Well, she didn’t stop there. She wasn’t even getting started; in fact, she currently has more piercings than that lowly number in her genitals alone.

You read that correctly. Elaine counts some 1,500 of her current piercings as “internal”—and we don’t want to know where the others are. Her count now exceeds six thousand. Six thousand piercings, and she seems unlikely to stop anytime soon—unless she literally runs out of skin to pierce.

Says Elaine: “I don’t enjoy getting pierced, but to break the record you have to get to a high level. I wanted to break the record.” Elaine: your record is safe. We think it’s okay to stop now.

The Jonestown Massacre was an unbelievable tragedy that played out in November 1978, at cult leader Jim Jones’ Peoples’ Temple settlement in Guyana. More than nine hundred people lost their lives—among them the only United States Congressman to die in the line of duty, Leo Ryan.

Jones had been drawing the attention of the government for years, as cult members trickled back to the mainland U.S., telling stories of abuse and human rights violations. Ryan was chosen to lead an investigative committee to the island, along with future Vice President Dan Quayle, who was unable to make the trip.
After conducting interviews with several cult members who expressed their wishes to leave and finding that they felt they were being detained, Congressman Ryan was ambushed with a knife while intervening in a family dispute; having seen enough, the entire party fled to the airport.

While aboard the small six-seat plane that was to take them home, the party was fired upon by Larry Layton, who was also on board the aircraft. Peoples’ Temple members outside the plane also opened fire; three journalists, a defecting cult member and Congressman Ryan were killed. Ryan is still the only member of Congress to lose his life in the course of performing his duties.

Mr. Henry Earl of Lexington, Kentucky, likes to drink. He likes to drink in public, and apparently he is also fond of getting arrested for public intoxication. Henry is perhaps the only person on Earth with his own Wikipedia page dedicated simply to his love of getting arrested for drinking in public, and with good reason; if anyone in history, let alone anyone currently living, has been arrested even half as many times a Henry, we’d love to hear about it.

Here’s all you need to know about Henry (aside from the above mugshot collage): in 2008, it was reported that he had been arrested for the 1000th time since 1992. The judge in the case heard about it, and handed down a thousand-day jail sentence, apparently just to be a smart-ass. It may very well have been his thousandth arrest since 1992—but whoever was doing the reporting failed to mention whether he had been arrested before 1992.

Website The Smoking Gun discovered that he had been—a lot. Beginning in 1970. And they discovered that, in fact, his 1000th arrest had occurred in 2002, six full years earlier—and that his current count was somewhere over 1,300.

Henry has currently spent roughly twice as much of his life in jail as he has out of it; as of this writing, his last arrest was a few months ago. We suppose there’s something to be said for sticking with what you know.

Gerry Ford always seemed like a nice enough guy. He was the President who moved in next door to the Simpsons after George Bush Sr. moved away in the classic Two Bad Neighbors episode; in fact, it’s pretty much that bland kindness and something of an outward appearance of slow-wittedness that makes him so forgettable among U.S. Presidents. Well, that and the fact that he was never elected—not even as Vice President, on any ticket. He was appointed VP by Richard Nixon.

Spiro Agnew was Nixon’s Vice President on the the victorious 1972 ticket, but he resigned amid a bribery scandal and criminal charges—the only VP to ever do so (he also ponied up a quarter of a million dollars in a civil suit a decade later). Ford, House Minority Leader at the time, was appointed Vice President in Agnew’s place; and when Nixon was impeached after the Watergate scandal and resigned from office in 1974, Ford became President by default.

So it may have taken two unprecedented resignations after colossally unethical actions by two of the most powerful figures in the world, but Gerry got to be President for two years before being defeated by Jimmy Carter in 1976, and in those two years he had to survive an assassination attempt. We think he got a pretty raw deal for such a nice guy.

Nobody ever said that the system for determining NFL Playoff seeds is perfect. There may be no perfect system, and with inter-division and inter-conference play, division records, common opponents, and all kinds of weird-ass factors determining who gets what seed, one thing remains constant and simple: within each division, the team with the best record is the division champion. Division champions always host at least one playoff game (this is relevant).

It just so happens that in 2010, the NFC West was not only the weakest division in football, but may have fielded the weakest division ever in the history of football. At 7-9, the Seattle Seahawks ended up winning that division. The team won rightfully, as they started poorly but were playing pretty good ball by late in the season—and, unbelievably, hosting a home playoff game against the Saints the next week, which they won.

Among the many very strange implications of this on the 2010-11 season: the Raiders, despite being undefeated in their division, failed to win the division or even to make the playoffs (Seattle’s division record: 4-2). Two teams, the Giants and Buccaneers, failed to make the playoffs despite posting 10-6 records. The 11-5 Saints (second in their division) had to travel to face a 7-9 team in the first round of the playoffs; the Seahawks hosted that game in the Wild Card round, despite being division champs. Up was black; green was across. None of it made any sense until the Seahawks got their asses handed to them by the Bears in the divisional round.

The Golden Raspberry Awards—or the “Razzies”—are that venerable institution known for taking the piss out of Hollywood once a year by pointing out its most laughable achievements. It’s a valuable service indeed, and there are always a few odd surprises and the occasional winner who shows up to claim his award in person. Halle Berry famously accepted her award for Catwoman, thanking the studio “for casting me in this godawful, piece of shit movie. It was just what my career needed.”

It is Sylvester Stallone, however, who holds the dubious honor of most nominations (thirty) and most wins (ten). He won his first Razzie in 1984 for Rhinestone, and his most recent triumph was in 2003 for Spy Kids: Game Over. In addition, one of those is a sort of lifetime achievement award: “Worst Actor Of The Century, For 95% Of Everything He’s Ever Done.”

Hot on Sly’s heels for a while was Madonna, with a whopping nine wins against only half as many nominations. But Madonna is unlikely to appear in any more movies, while Stallone keeps making Expendables films—so his towering record seems likely to stand.

In 1983, Vanessa Williams became the first African-American to win the Miss America pageant. Miss America was even a bigger deal then than it is now, and Williams’ win was a point of pride among the American black community.

Then came Bob Guccione, publisher of Penthouse magazine. It seems that a couple of years prior to her Miss America victory—just after turning eighteen—Williams had posed for some nude photos with photographer Tom Chiapel.

Apparently, Chiapel had told her that the photos would be taken in silhouette. But they were not, and when Williams won the title, Chiapel began shopping them around to the highest bidder. Playboy’s Hugh Hefner turned down the photos, mindful of the embarrassment it would cause Williams; Guccione had no such qualms, and published them in Penthouse’s 1984 15th Anniversary issue. Williams stepped down over ten months into her reign, and runner-up Suzette Charles stepped in for the remaining seven weeks—the shortest ever reign for a Miss America.

Today, Williams is recognized as Miss America 1984 with Charles having a (b) next to her name in the official record. Here’s an interesting aside about the Penthouse issue in question: that month’s centerfold was shamed porn star Traci Lords—who was later found to have been fifteen when the pictures were taken, making this probably the most notorious girlie mag of all time for multiple reasons.

The 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano was the first to feature snowboarding as a medal event. Canadian Ross Rebagliati beat the pants off the competition to take home the gold, but there was a problem: shortly after the performance, he was tested for drugs, and was indeed found to have been doping. But not with performance enhancers . . . with dope. Marijuana, that is. As a result, he was briefly stripped of his gold medal—the only time that’s ever happened due to pot use.

Ross claimed that the last time he used marijuana was in April 1997, and that the positive test was the result of the “significant amount of time he spends in an environment with marijuana” which actually sounds pretty plausible. Except when considering that you would have to spend days in a pot-smoke-filled room to achieve such a result—but we digress. Ross employed the “Aw, come on!” defense in his appeal, and was eventually given back his medal.

Now, to be clear, they weren’t saying that he was using weed to enhance his performance, or that he was high during his medal-winning run. But suppose he was? Sports columnist Tony Kornheiser suggested that if this had been the case, they should not only have let him keep the medal, but should have built a statue of him at the base of the run.

Mike Floorwalker blogs, Tweets, writes, edits and occasionally sleeps.

It’s human nature to want to be recognized and acknowledged. Kids want to show off their art to their parents. Employees want to stand out at work. And even citizens of towns or whole countries get some kind of a patriotic thrill out of their place of residence being known for being the best or the biggest or whatever their claim to fame may be. Unfortunately, being a standout isn’t always a good thing, especially when you’re better than everyone else at something unenviable.

10. Lake Michigan is By Far the Deadliest Lake in America

Any body of water is potentially dangerous. Accidents happen on the water all the time and around 4,000 Americans drown every year. But of all the places in America where you need to be wary of getting in the water, no place has a worse reputation than Lake Michigan. 

In 2022, 43 people drowned in Lake Michigan. Its rip currents are infamous and have claimed hundreds of lives over the years. There were 48 deaths in 2021, 56 in 2020 and 48 in 2019. Compare that to other lakes known for their high fatality rates like Lake Champlain in Vermont, where a dozen people per year drown, 

Lake Lanier has claimed 700 lives since 1956 and is sometimes considered America’s most dangerous when averaged out. Accidents, injuries and fatalities are par for the course year after year and it does stand to reason since as many as 10 million people will visit the lake in any given year. Stats show that many of the accidents on the man-made lake are the result of drinking while boating. But even the current yearly stats there are far less than what Lake Michigan is doing.

9. Every County in Mississippi had Teen Pregnancy Rates Above the National Average

In 2012, Mississippi was struggling with the fact that literally every county in the state had a higher teen pregnancy rate than the national average. It was blamed, in part, on the fact that the state had historically not taught sex education in schools and instead tried to rely on abstinence-only education. Obviously that’s not very effective. So they planned to shift to a new educational program to help fix the numbers.

Fast forward to 2020 and Mississippi had indeed lowered their overall rate of teen pregnancy. That said, so had every other state and Mississippi was still the state with the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country. In fact, on a world stage, it’s still pretty bad.

Teen pregnancy rates in Mississippi had been as high as 111 per 1,000 in some countries back in 2012. They lowered that to 71.9 in some counties. But the world rate for teen pregnancy was actually only 42.5 in 2021.

Across the whole state, rates are now down to an average of 27.9 per one thousand. That still puts Mississippi in the number one spot across the United States, but it is getting down closer to some others. 

8. More New Jersey Millennials Live With Their Parents Than In Any Other State

Whether this qualifies as a dubious honor really depends on your own opinions but the media certainly made something of the revelation that Millennials in New Jersey were opting to live with their parents at a far greater number than those in other states. 

Based on US Census data, New Jersey ranked at the top of the list when it came to adult children, aged 18 to 34, who stayed with mom and dad. In 2015, 46.9% of them were still at home. That was an increase of over 10% from 10 years earlier. The national average was 34.1% while North Dakota was at the other end of the scale with just 14.1% sticking around.

Cost of living in New Jersey seems to be a key factor in most Millennials choosing to stay with their parents. It’s too expensive to go independent and finding jobs elsewhere seems to be an issue, though the specific reason why this affects those in New Jersey more than anywhere else isn’t clear.

7. Wyoming’s Suicide Rate is Much Higher Than the National Average

In 2020, about 1.2 million Americans attempted suicide. Nearly 46,000 people succeeded. Suicide is one of the leading causes of death and it crosses through all demographics. But of all the states in America, Wyoming has the most serious problem with this issue.

Wyoming’s suicide rate was an upsetting 30.5 per 100,000. That’s more than twice the national average of 14. It’s also the highest rate per capita. In 2023, while it seems to have gone down slightly to 29.3, it’s still high above all other states. The sheriff of Casper, the state’s largest city, said they respond to suicide calls twice as often as shoplifting ones.

The state has been trying to deal with the issue though the reasons behind it remain complex and puzzling Some have pointed out that Wyoming has long been the heart of “cowboy country” and a place where men stereotypically keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves, where you have to “man up” rather than address serious issues.

6. Kentucky Has the Highest Cancer Rates in the Country

Cancer is the second-leading cause of death in the United States behind heart disease. On average, there are 438 cases of cancer per every 100,00 Americans and nearly 2 million people per year will be diagnosed. 

A state like New Mexico comes in on the far end of the scale with 361.1 cases per 100,000, making them one of the lowest in the entire country and a fair degree below the national average. But Kentucky has the unfortunate distinction of being on the opposite end of things. There are 510.2 cases per 100,000 in Kentucky, giving it the highest cancer rates in the country. It also has the highest rate of cancer deaths as well. 

Breast cancer and lung cancer were the two most common types in the state. The exact reasons can’t really be broken down clearly but anything from diet and weight to physical activity and pollution can contribute to rates.

5. The Murder Rate in St. Louis is Massively Higher Than the National Average

In 2020, the homicide rate in the United States was 6.52 murders per 100,000. That was historically higher than it had been since 2001. While bigger cities are often cited as being unsafe, with New York and Chicago as stand outs for their violence, neither comes particularly close to being the deadliest cities in the country, an honor which is taken by St. Louis. 

In 2019, there were 194 murders in St. Louis. That rose to 263 in 2020, 200 in 2021 and 200 again in 2022. Per 100,000 residents, that’s a murder rate of 69.4. Compared to the national average of 6.52, that’s a staggering increase.

Baltimore is the second deadliest city, and the rate drops considerably to 51.1. Chicago, often reference for its gun violence in the media, is down in the 10th spot with 24 murders. In 2017, new York’s murder rate was just 3.7, which didn’t even rank in the top 50.

4. Hawaii’s Cost of Living is Far Higher Than the Rest of the Country

Hawaii is the one state in America that qualifies as a tropical vacation destination. Nearly one million people visit Hawaii every month so it’s safe to say people love to visit there. That said, living there may be another matter altogether as the cost of living in Hawaii is remarkably higher than it is anywhere else in America. 

After Manhattan, Honolulu is the most expensive city in America in which to live, with a cost of living 97.6% above the national average. It also works out to more than 20% higher than the average wage. This is chiefly due to the remote location of the island state. All supplies are flown or shipped in by boat and that makes everything more expensive. Groceries are 60% more expensive in Honolulu than the average across the country with eggs averaging three times the price of any other city. 

The average home in Hawaii is over $730,000 and only 29% of residents can afford home ownership. The median two-bedroom apartment costs $1,651 across the state while in Honolulu a two-bedroom place will set you back $3,500.

3. Billings, Montana Has the Highest Rate of Depression in America

We’ve already seen that Wyoming has the highest suicide rate in America but that may be, in part, because people are not as open to seeking help for things like depression. If they did, perhaps the statistics in Billings, Montana would be different. Billings has the highest rate of depression in the country.

About 7.1% of the entire US population has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Keep in mind, that’s just the people diagnosed so the real number is likely much higher, it’s just that many people have not sought help. 

On a city level, Billings, Montana has a rate of 31% of its citizens diagnosed with depression. That’s over four times the national average. Only two other cities ranked over 30% and those were Knoxville and Kingsport-Bristol.

Why would Billings be such a hub for depression? There are actually a number of potential causes that have been looked into that range from vitamin D deficiency to altitude to high prevalence of demographics most susceptible to depression and mental illness. 

2. West Virginia is the Most Overweight State in America

There’s been no shortage of media coverage for decades now about the average American’s diet and weight and often, though erroneously, America is often considered the “fattest” country in the world. That doesn’t change the fact that many Americans do live unhealthy lifestyles and about 30.7% are overweight.

Amongst all states. West Virginia is the standout for being the most overweight. Only West Virginia and Kentucky have a prevalence of self-reported obesity above 40% and while Kentucky ranked at 40.3%, West Virginia came in at 40.6%.  

1. Louisiana Ranks as the Most Polluted State in America

Louisiana is known for a lot of things including Cajun cuisine and Mardi Gras but it also holds the more troubling distinction of being the most polluted state in the country as well.

The state is loaded with industrial plants that produce high levels of toxins which have polluted air quality and waterways for years now. In 2022, studies linked the remarkably high cancer rates in Louisiana to their extreme air pollution. It’s so bad that the stretch between Baton Rouge and New Orleans is literally known as Cancer Alley.