It’s natural to assume those in power, including celebrities, are involved in evil conspiracies. And they are. But probably not one of these.

10. Billie Eilish is an industry plant

The industry plant conspiracy theory is one of the less esoteric on this list. There are no secretive cabals or shapeshifting monsters, just record labels and corporate fat cats. Basically, an industry plant is an artist presented by their label as a self-made success story when they’re actually manufactured by executives. It’s a charge often leveled at the singer Billie Eilish, whose meteoric rise to fame (following her viral success on SoundCloud) was too much for some to believe.

Like other artists of her generation, she emerged seemingly out of nowhere, complete with a polished image and the perfect sound for viral success. Never mind that she was born into a family of musicians, and, like all of us, has access to industry analytics (YouTube views for instance), allowing her to fine-tune her image overnight. In fact, the internet blurs the line between amateur and professional to the point where there’s hardly a difference.

Of course, music industry executives are by no means squeaky clean. They’re a cynical, predatory, duplicitous bunch. But, as Complex points out, industry plants don’t make much sense. For one thing, those accusing artists of being industry plants are often the same people accusing labels of neglecting their favorites—that is, of not manufacturing them enough. The fact is it takes a lot of time, not to mention money, to manufacture acts out of nowhere. It certainly doesn’t happen overnight—but viral success does. In other words, record labels are far too busy nowadays scooping up artists online to think about making their own.

9. There’s a Kardashian curse

There probably isn’t a sign over each of the Kardashians’ front doors reading “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here” but, according to some, there should be. 

The so-called Kardashian curse ensures misfortune befalls any man who enters their orbit. Scott Disick, for example, Kourtney’s ex-partner, was left with substance abuse issues and the loss of his parents, while Lamar Odom, Khloé’s ex-husband, had a near-fatal overdose in 2015 after struggling with addictions of his own. Meanwhile, Kim’s ex-husband Kris Humphries, although they were only married briefly, saw his NBA career fail post-divorce. And Kylie Jenner’s ex Tyga was plagued with financial problems.

Then there’s Kanye West, who was married to Kim for eight years and has suffered some very public breakdowns. The couple’s divorce in 2022 further fueled speculation—especially as he was ordered to pay $200,000 a month in child support.

8. Beyoncé gave birth to her sister

Beyoncé has been the subject of two very specific, pregnancy-related conspiracy theories. The first, from 2013, says she’s actually Solange Knowles’ mother—not her sister as they would have you believe. According to the Knowleses, Beyoncé was four when Solange was born in 1986. But, according to a birth certificate seen by a Texan civil servant (or a driver’s license seen at Columbia Records), she was actually born in 1974—so she would have been a just-about-childbearing 12. Then there’s Gabrielle Union’s comment that she and Beyoncé have been friends since they were teenagers—even though Union was born in 1972. Even Beyoncé’s mum Tina helped fuel the rumor (albeit inadvertently) by mentioning a family history of birth record discrepancies. Some of her cousins, she said, had their surname (Tina’s maiden name Beyoncé) written down as Beyincé by officials who refused to correct it. In fact, Beyoncé’s grandmother was told that, because they were black, they were lucky to get birth certificates at all. Still, even if Beyoncé is 50 years old, there’s no proof Solange is her daughter.

The other conspiracy theory came the following year, when another Tina—Tina Seals—alleged that she was the mother of Blue Ivy, Beyoncé’s daughter with Jay-Z. Having served as their surrogate, she said, she now wanted custody of the child (then aged 10). To be fair, there was some doubt when Beyoncé was pregnant, given that her baby bump looked fake. In the end, though, Seals’ case was thrown out—as were her other claims against Mariah Carey, Kate Middleton, and the US government.

7. Katy Perry was a child sacrifice

The day after Christmas in 1996, JonBenét Ramsey, a 6-year-old beauty pageant queen, was murdered at her home in Colorado. Nobody was charged, but the case remains open. Police continue to investigate any new lead—except, apparently, the one that emerged in 2015 when YouTuber Dave Johnson said the girl’s death was staged as a sacrifice. It was, he said, a sacrifice “in name only” to “get something” the parents sorely wanted. And “that something,” he said, was for JonBenét “to become a star.” Or more specifically, as it turns out, to become Katy Perry.

The evidence is underwhelming. First, there’s the passable resemblance between Perry and the child—although Perry would’ve been 12 when JonBenét was 6. Then there’s the resemblance between their parents. According to Jonhson, “he [JonBenét’s dad] shaved his head, she [JonBenét’s mother] lost some weight and that’s about it,” There are also, allegedly, clues in Perry’s work.

Needless to say, the singer’s denial didn’t help. When, at the 2017 MTV Video Music Awards, comedian Billy Eichner asked her to blink twice if she was the murdered little girl, she unconvincingly replied “um wait, no, that is not real.”

6. Cardi B is MKUltra’d

Although “conspiracy theory” has come to mean “BS,” the fact is conspiracies happen—even the crazy ones. They’ve always been essential for maintaining power. MKUltra, for instance, was a mind control program (yes, a mind control program) run by the CIA. It ran from the 1950s to 1973. Using controversial techniques like high-dose LSD, brain surgery, and electronic implants, government scientists targeted vulnerable groups—such as mental health patients and prisoners—who couldn’t resist or retaliate. (Just like you see in the movies.)

But what about celebrities? In a way, the MKUltra celebrity mind control conspiracy theory is more plausible than the others on this list. It attributes celebrity quirks (or “glitches”) not to cloning or Reptilian sorcery but to good old-fashioned mind control. Evidence for the claim is thin on the ground but includes Cardi B’s appearance at the 2018 Grammy Awards. Appearing to zone out during a red carpet interview, she was said to be experiencing a glitch in her programming. The strange behavior of Kanye West, Katy Perry, and Kylie Jenner, among others, has also been attributed to mind control.

5. Many celebrities are clones

When a commodity sells, it makes sense to make more of it. Supply and demand. But what if your commodity is a person? According to some, the same rule applies—which is why Hollywood clones its celebrities. Disney Channel stars, including Miley Cyrus and Zac Efron, are actually lab-created clones, they say (despite this story first appearing on the satirical news site The Onion). Evidence centers on their weird and “glitchy” behavior. Cyrus, for example, sticks her tongue out for no apparent reason. Also, she’s been dead several times: in 2008 (hit and run), 2010 (murdered), and 2012 (accidental overdose). Each time, they say, Disney dumped the body and woke the next clone. But while the likeness is close, it’s not quite perfect. Little clues, like altered facial structure, prove she’s not the original.

It’s not just Disney. Other celebrities insured by clones include Béyonce (cloned by the Illuminati, died in 2000); Avril Lavigne (died in 2003, replaced by “Melissa”); Britney Spears (her 2008 breakdown was a glitch); Paul McCartney (dead since the sixties) Megan Fox (because she looks different); and the weatherman Al Roker (who actually admitted he was a clone once on Twitter). Then there’s Bill Gates, who, according to an alleged Ancestry.com page, has been dead since 2013. Also, his wife Melinda was replaced by a male clone, which is why they split up.

Like all clones out of the Illuminati’s clone farms, their purpose is allegedly to further the dark cabal’s interests—just like how bribes work but way more complicated.

4. Taylor Swift is a cloned Satanic priestess

Needless to say, Taylor Swift is another celebrity clone. She is after all the spitting image of the artist Zeena Schreck, former High Priestess of the Church of Satan. The resemblance is uncanny, but it doesn’t stop there. Swift’s work is replete with satanic symbols—at least according to some. Shane Lynch, of the boyband Boyzone, says her Eras Tour, in particular, was rife with demonic rituals, pentagrams, and other occult insignia. She also likes the color red, which, as any suburban religious mother caught up in the satanic panic in the 1980s knows, is a telltale sign of evil. 

There are also the ritualistic chants of the Swifties, her fans, and her occult-style costumes—some of which include hoods. Another mark of the Beast.

Critics of the theory point to Swift’s album 1989, named for her natural birth year, as evidence she wasn’t cloned. But this only shows how little they know about cloning.

3. Justin Bieber is a reptile

That Justin Bieber’s probably a Reptilian shapeshifter goes without saying. But for the hundreds who actually saw him change form, it’s an undeniable fact. It happened at an airport in Perth, Australia in March 2017. Bieber was greeting fans when he briefly revealed his true form, complete with a shrunken head, striped black eyes, a scaly body, and a taller, more menacing stature. After running for the exits, locking themselves in toilets, or jumping in taxis, panicked eyewitnesses were sure of what they’d seen. But somehow nobody caught the moment on film. The story did, allegedly, break on the news site PerthNow—although they deny it. Either way, Buzzfeed picked up on the story and further added fuel to the fire, stoking rumors not only that Bieber is a reptile, but also a devil-worshiping Illuminatus hellbent on establishing the New World Order (as if this one isn’t draconian enough). Specifically, he’s from a Reptilian-Illuminati bloodline known as the Babylonian Brotherhood.

Earlier evidence for this includes a 2014 court appearance in which he blinks to reveal what looks to be a nictitating membrane—the translucent inner eyelid through which crocodiles see underwater.

2. Everyone’s in the Illuminati

The Illuminati was once a society for intellectuals, men of science, political thinkers, and secularists—the sworn enemies of superstition and silliness. Nowadays, thanks to the internet, we all know otherwise: the Illuminati is an occult, sometimes Reptilian menace hellbent on world domination. They needn’t be thinkers today; in fact, they recruit (and clone) some of the most vacuous people on the planet. Madonna, Jay-Z, Lady Gaga, Drake, and Donald Trump are just some of the celebs accused of being members. Usually, this is based on hints they drop themselves—because, for some reason, they’re only allowed to reveal themselves coyly.

Madonna’s halftime show at the 2012 Superbowl, for instance, was permeated, as Gizmodo put it, by “subliminal Satanic-Illuminati-Freemason messages.” Two years later she came out with her not-at-all-publicity-courting song “Illuminati.” Jay-Z also uses occult symbols, including his signature triangle hand gesture, interpreted as an admission of membership. Then there’s the lyrics, like for example those in his 2010 track with Rick Ross, “Free Mason”: “I said I was amazing, not that I’m a Mason… I’m red hot, I’m on my third six, but a devil I’m not.” Béyonce, his wife, is also accused; in fact, she’s often said to be the group’s queen. Her response? “Y’all haters corny with that Illuminati mess.” Denials, however, only fuel the intrigue.

Under the Carters in Illuminati influence, allegedly, are Kim Kardashian (the devil) and Kanye West (the demon), who plan to sacrifice their young child North.

1. Hollywood elites drink children’s blood

The blood-drinking conspiracy theory accuses Hollywood elites of vampirically draining the life force of children. It isn’t new. But A-listers blowing the whistle on it is. In 2017, Mel Gibson was quoted as saying on The Graham Norton Show: “I don’t know how to break it to you gently… Hollywood is institutionalized pedophilia. They are using and abusing kids …. Their spiritual beliefs, if you can call them that, direct them to harvest the energy of the kids. They feast on this stuff and they thrive on it.” Now, if you’re not familiar with The Graham Norton Show, it’s a glitzy, glossy, totally mainstream celebrity chat show. Its default setting, like all the other glitzy, glossy, mainstream chat shows, is to fawn over Hollywood. Gibson continued: “Hollywood is drenched in the blood of innocent children …. I was personally introduced to the practice in the early 2000s. I can talk about this now because these people, the execs, they’re dead now.” Unfortunately, there’s no record of how Norton responded. A little while later, Keanu Reeves is said to have said: “Hollywood elites engage in the ritual abuse of children and the practice of drinking their blood,” adding “Some of these guys carry around bottles of blood [and] call it ‘red wine’.”

The following year, it emerged that Jim Carrey was now blowing the whistle. According to an article from Jasper and Sardine, the actor told an audience that “Hollywood elites eat whole babies for Christmas,” adding: “These people believe the more the child has suffered, the better it tastes …. [and] the negative emotions coursing through the kid’s body, the adrenaline and hatred, will give them special powers.” He’s talking about the alleged but demonstratively bullshit effects of adrenochrome—a chemical there’s no need to harvest from humans.

Whether or not any of this is true remains to be seen. But none of it was actually said either by Gibson, Reeves, or Carrey. In fact, all quotes appear to have come from a single website— YourNewsWire—which, following an avalanche of widely published fact checks, has since rebranded as NewsPunch.

Biggest, smallest, oldest, tallest. Only relatively recently have we begun reliably recording the limits of what human beings can be, do or endure. Many marks are impressive, some concerning, still others just plain freaky.

Here are ten current titleholders who, when necessary, are compared to all-time records held by someone no longer living.

Top 10 Human Sideshow Freaks

10 Oldest

The oldest verified human life belonged to Jeanne Calment of France, who was born on February 21, 1875. By the time she died in August 1997, she’d existed for 122 years and 164 days. Remarkably, she lived her final 34 years with no heirs, her only daughter having died of a lung infection in 1934, and her grandson in a car accident in 1963.

Calment was the super-est of an evolutionarily exclusive subset called supercentenarians, which defines people who live to 110. Less than 2,000 such individuals have been documented. Unsurprisingly, they often make headlines in both life and death; in April 2017 the passing of 117-year-old Emma Morano was widely reported, as she’d been the last living person born in the 19th Century.

Currently, the world’s oldest person is 118-year-old Kane Tanaka of Japan. Notably, Ms. Tanaka has already bested her countryman, Jiroemon Kimura, whose lifespan of 116 years and 54 days makes him the longest-living man ever. One aspect of her biography seems mathematically impossible: Tanaka was married for 71 years when her husband, Hideo, passed away… and that was TWENTY-EIGHT years ago.

Fifteen years ago, at age 103, Tanaka beat colorectal cancer, because why not. This May, she cancelled plans to participate in the Olympic torch relay across her homeland – but only out of health-related concern for her fellow nursing home residents. Tanaka is the third oldest person ever recorded. If she survives until late June of 2025, she’ll become the longevity recordholder.

9 Fattest

I know: Of course it’s an American. U-S-A! U-S-A!

The heaviest person ever recorded was Jon Brower Minnoch of Seattle, Washington, who once weighed a whopping 1,400 pounds. Minnoch was always… um, let’s say “husky.” By age 12, he was nearly 300 pounds. Ten years later, he weighed 500. Obesity that extreme is rarely the result of diet alone: Minnoch suffered from generalized edema, a condition in which the body accumulates excess extracellular fluid. As much as half of Minnoch’s weight was irregularly retained fluids.

At age 36, Minnoch married a 110-pound woman; together, they set the record for largest weight difference for a married couple ever, which shouldn’t be a thing. Minnoch died in 1983, at 41.

The second heaviest person ever recorded, Khalid bin Mohsen Shaari of Saudi Arabia, has a happier ending, insomuch as he’s since shed his heavyweight title. In fact, he lays claim to another record: the largest weight loss in human history. Over four years, Shaari lost nearly TWELVE HUNDRED POUNDS, and today is a healthy 150.

Shaari’s successor, Juan Pedro Franco of Mexico, fortunately followed suit. Topping out at 1,312 pounds, Franco dropped nearly 900 pounds to relinquish his titanium-reinforced throne. The dramatic dieting was well-timed, because he recently caught a bout of the coronavirus.

Currently, the “world’s heaviest human” category is officially vacant, though four other people known to have weighed at least 1,000 pounds remain alive. Three are (what else?) Americans.

8 Tallest

NINE feet tall? Well, almost. While stories abound of people eclipsing that remarkable mark, the tallest person ever irrefutably measured was American Robert Wadlow, who stretched to a gangly 8 feet, 11.1 inches. Born in 1918, Wadlow’s height was off the charts from the get-go. By age 5, he was a shocking 5 feet, 4 inches; by 8, he was scraping 6 feet.

Unfortunately, this was neither normal nor sustainable. Wadlow’s record-setting length was caused by pituitary gland hyperplasia, which leads to runaway production of human growth hormone. No viable treatment existed in the 1930s. Wadlow passed away of sepsis in 1940 at just 22, after a leg brace worn due his massive height caused a severe infection.

Currently, the first person in the world to realize it’s raining is 38-year-old Turkish farmer Sultan Kösen. In 2009, Kösen became the first in over 20 years to officially eclipse 8 feet tall; today he is 8 feet, 2.8 inches. He has the longest hands (11.22 inches) of any living person, and the second-longest feet (14 inches).

The cause of Kösen’s exceptional height is a pituitary tumor. Fortunately, in 2010 he received radiation treatment that successfully halted his unsustainable growth. Here he is making average size things look tiny.

Notably, per the next entry, Kösen once met his record-setting counterpart…

7 Shortest

In November 2014, tallest living man Sultan Kösen of Turkey met the shortest living man – in fact, the shortest person in recorded history. The visual was… um, unsettling actually.

Born in Nepal in 1939, Chandra Bahadur Dangi never really grew up – he just got older. Due to the remoteness of his hometown – Dangi lived in the isolated village of Reemkholi, some 250 miles from Kathmandu – his disturbingly diminutive stature wasn’t officially recognized until 2012.

A primordial dwarf, which sounds badass but doesn’t seem fun IRL, Dangi was exceptionally tiny from birth. His peak height was an astounding 1 foot, 9½ inches, half an inch shorter than the previous recordholder. Unfortunately, his claim to shortest man alive was, well, short-lived. Dangi died in 2015, at age 75.

Dangi’s death passed the tiny torch to Junrey Balawing of the Philippines… until the 23.6-inch man passed away last year. Today, the shortest living man is Lin Yü-chih of Taiwan, who at 2 feet, 2.6 inches towers over his predecessors.

Lin Yü-chih is not, however, the shortest person alive. That honor goes to Jyoti Amge, a 27-year-old woman from India. At 2 feet, 0.7 inches tall, Amge is the third shortest woman in recorded history. In 2014, she appeared in the refreshingly un-woke “American Horror Story: Freak Show,” as a character called Ma Petite – though it was, literally, just a small role.

6 Fastest

This might be the list’s only guessable answer: Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt has the fastest sprint ever recorded.

Or, rather, sprints – with an s: Bolt holds the record in the 100 meters (9.58 seconds) AND 200 meters (19.19 seconds). He maxed out at 27.8 miles per hour – the fastest speed ever achieved by a human, and faster than most dogs (not Greyhounds, of course, who can reach 45mph.)

Even more impressive than Bolt’s sheer speed is its longevity. In a sport whose uber-peak performance typically means brief careers, many still consider Bolt the current fastest person on Earth despite setting his records 12 years ago – and despite retiring in 2017. Their reasoning is twofold. First, Bolt is the only sprinter to win 100-meter and 200-meter titles at three consecutive Olympics, starting in 2008.

Secondly, current sprinters aren’t approaching Bolt’s times. The favorite entering the current Olympic Games, American Trayvon Bromell, boasts a top time of 9.77 seconds – nearly two-tenths of a second off Bolt’s pace in a sport where two-tenths of a second is a lifetime. Ultimately, Lamont Jacobs of Italy took gold, with a time of 9.8 seconds. Were Bolt to get back in peak shape and return, he might very well reclaim his throne – even at the ripe old age of 34.

5 Smartest (Highest IQ)

Let’s set some guardrails around this entry, because “smartness” has too many variables to be objectively quantified. For example, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is undoubtedly exceptionally smart… but exceptionally awful at anticipating consequences, reacting to real-time problems and, especially, optics.

But in terms of sheer intellect, IQ is the best, albeit imperfect, measurement of smartness. And though he never took a formal test, experts place the IQ of American William Sidis between 250 and 300 – an incredible 50-100 points higher than Albert Einstein. Sidis was reading newspapers before age 2 and, by 6, spoke Latin, French, German, Russian, Hebrew, Turkish and Armenian in addition to his native English. He entered Harvard University at 11.

Sidis’ adulthood, however, was far less remarkable. Tired of the attention and expectations tied to his wunderkind status, Sidis receded from the limelight and became a reclusive writer – so reclusive, in fact, that he published most of his books under pseudonyms. He died from a brain hemorrhage at age 46.

So who’s the smartest now? Well, it’s complicated. In the 1980s, American Marilyn vos Savant registered a 228… so incredible, in fact, that Guinness eliminated the “Highest IQ” category shortly thereafter. Currently, the top-ranked person in the World Genius Directory is chess player Konstantinos Ntalachanis, who has scored as high as 230 on IQ tests.

4 Hairiest

Larry Gomez of Mexico has a rare genetic disorder known as Congenital Generalized Hypertrichosis, which affects less than 100 people in the world. As a result, he has hair covering an unbelievable 98 percent of his body. Apparently less than 10 people in the world have hair covering at least 95% of their bodies, and lucky Larry is the wooliest mammal.

His nickname? Why, “Wolf Man,” of course. And along with his hair, the plot gets thicker – because Larry isn’t a lone wolf. His wolfpack holds the Guinness record for Hairiest Large Family, which shouldn’t be a thing. Seen here with Gabriel “Danny” Ramos Gomez, Luisa Lilia De Lira Aceves and Jesus Manuel Fajardo Aceves, Larry and his kin are among 19 family members spanning five generations with Hypertrichosis. Larry and Danny perform in the Mexican National Circus, probably to cover their shampoo expenses.

Hypertrichosis has an even rarer sub-disease called Ambras Syndrome, which claims only about 50 confirmed cases since the Middle Ages. One sufferer is Thailand native Supatra Susuphan. By age 11, she’d already been deemed the world’s hairiest girl. Her nicknames have included Wolf Girl, Monkey Face and Chewbacca, who is probably the worst Star Wars character to resemble besides maybe Jabba the Hutt.

But alas, this saga has a happy ending: In 2018 Susuphan got married. As of this writing, the couple was still living hairily ever after.

3 Wokest

Um… some ugly college kid on Twitter perhaps?

Just kidding. This entry isn’t about PC woke, but rather physically woke – as in not asleep. While it’s likely that someone – chronic insomniac, tortured prisoner of war, anyone who’s coached the New York Jets – has gone sleepless for longer stretches, the official record for consecutive wakefulness belongs to American Randy Gardner.

For a school science experiment to see how long he could stay awake, Gardner, then 17, went an amazing 264 hours – just over 11 days – without sleep, eclipsing the existing record by four hours. He and classmate Bruce McAllister purposely intended to surpass the 260-hour mark, which belonged to Hawaiian disc jockey Tom Rounds, who’d gained notoriety for setting the record while sitting in a department store display window.

Gardner’s record-setting stint started innocently enough – just he and McAllister. But when it became clear Gardner was literally up for the challenge, the two were joined by sleep researcher Dr. William Dement and U.S. Navy medic John Ross.

By day three, Gardner became noticeably uncoordinated, and experienced strong mood swings. After five days, hallucinations began. Incredibly, after finally tapping out, Gardner went not to bed but to a press conference. He was then given an electroencephalogram to study his brainwaves before hitting the sack for a solid 14 hours of sleep. Gardner is still alive.

2 Wettest

This list’s newest record belongs to Pablo Fernandez of Spain, who from July 19-20 of 2021 broke the record for longest distance swim. Departing at 10am, Fernandez swam for 250km (155.3 miles) over 26 hours and 36 minutes.

Fernandez, though, had some help: an incredibly friendly current. According to Robert Strauss, the attempt’s chief observer, “The currents were going so fast. We calculated that Pablo was swimming 100 meters approximately every 40 seconds for 24 hours. He was flying.” By comparison, Olympic male sprint swimmers typically take 46 or 47 seconds to swim 100 meters.

Still, Fernandez is no splash in the pan – he actually holds several water endurance records. In 2019, he became the fastest to swim 5km with leg irons on, which is a really, really specific world record but sure, why not. In 2020, he broke the record for swimming in place when he tread water for 25 consecutive hours.

On the women’s side, the recordholder for an unassisted open-water swim is Australian Chloe McCardel, who in 2014 swam 77.3 miles in the Atlantic Ocean over a span of about 41 hours.

While impressive, McCardel was 29 at the time – peak physical shape. At least as impressive was 64-year-old Diana Nyad’s 110-mile, 53-hour swim from Cuba to Florida in 2013, which was considered “assisted” (and therefore not superior to McCardel’s mark) only because she used gear to protect from dangerous jellyfish stings, which had stalled her previous efforts.

1 Drunkest

A certain subset of the population – alcoholics – think your stories about how many beers you once drank are just adorable. People bragging to us about their ability to hold liquor is like boasting about sexual exploits to Ron Jeremy. Amateurs.

Still, this one guy did some epic damage. After a car accident causing him severe injuries, an unnamed man in Poland had a blood alcohol content (BAC) of 1.480%. For perspective, the limit to legally drive in the US, Canada and UK is 0.08%. Other locales, including the EU and Australia, deem anything over 0.05% too inebriated to drive.

That means our Polish friend’s BAC was, depending on the comparison country, approaching either 20 or 30 times the legally drunk standard. It is the highest BAC ever recorded in known history – a mark that, per this Blood Alcohol Content Calculator, would take a 150-pound adult male approximately NINETY ounces of vodka to reach.

Amazingly, according to doctors, the man survived his binge drinking episode… but eventually succumbed to injuries from the car wreck, because pavement.

Due to medical record anonymity, it’s impossible to know who the current BAC titleholder is, but the next highest seem to be a South African sheep thief (yes, sheep thief) who clocked a 1.41% in 2010, and a 24-year-old American woman who, despite a BAC of 1.33% – the highest ever recorded for a female – was somehow “alert and capable.” I think I’m in love.

Top 10 Extraordinary Human Abilities

Why are modern heads of state seemingly so impervious to old-school assassins? All the old presidents were constantly getting attacked. President Jackson famously, but unfortunately, even fought his assassins off with a cane.

Well the truth is attempts still happen. They just get less coverage than they used to. In fact, plots are often foiled before they take place — then downplayed or hushed up in the press.

10. Donald Trump

Showboating at North Dakota’s largest oil refinery in 2017, Trump was blissfully unaware that someone was planning to kill him. The president was in the state to talk about his tax plans. Ivanka was there too; he told the crowd she’d asked “Daddy, can I go with you?”

Meanwhile, a 42-year-old man was hijacking a forklift to flip his limousine. His plan was to drive the vehicle into Trump’s motorcade, disable the limo, and kill the president. In the end, however, he got the forklift stuck in a gated area. Although he abandoned the plan and dumped the forklift in a ditch, he was caught and arrested by police. 

But only because the area he was in was restricted for the visit. They had no idea he was planning to assassinate the president… until he told them. Later in court his attorney explained he had bipolar and ADHD. The uninterested judge sentenced him to 10 years in the state penitentiary.

9. Angela Merkel

On her visit to Prague, the seemingly harmless, grandmotherly German chancellor was the subject of furious protests. One placard showed Merkel with a Hitler mustache, while another linked the EU flag and the swastika. They felt the EU was invading, forcing Czech submission to NATO and its hawkish military orders.

One man took it upon himself to show the EU just how welcome its leaders were in the Republic. Driving a black 4×4, he maneuvered toward Merkel’s motorcade as it traveled from the airport to Sobotka’s government headquarters. But police intercepted and threatened to shoot him, despite him not being armed. Eventually he gave himself up. 

Defending their heavy-handedness later, the police claimed to have found “items” in his car that “could easily have been used as weapons.” What were they, you ask? Blocks of cement.

8. Theresa May

British prime minister Theresa May ruined a lot of people’s lives but it seems only one sought revenge. After his uncle was killed in a drone strike, a homeless 20-year-old Londoner approached militants online to get hold of some bombs. He told them he was planning to blow up Parliament, or to get May at home, at 10 Downing Street — both of which he’d scouted out beforehand. 

Unfortunately for him, these “Islamic State militants” were actually FBI, who referred him to their MI5 counterparts, who hooked him up with an undercover cop posing as an armorer in London. Oblivious, the would-be assassin kept them abreast of his plans and, once he’d got a (fake) bomb and a jacket filled with (fake) explosives, police surrounded and arrested the bereaved young tramp. He’d later admit he was glad it was over.

In court, he insisted the plan wasn’t genuine. He’d been set up and tricked by police, he said. He was always coming up with crazy schemes; he never followed through. One early idea had been to drop missiles from balloons at the edge of space. But the judge was unsympathetic and gave him 30 years.

7. Joe Biden

Old Joe Biden’s unpopular with young’uns. The senescent commander in chief has (obliviously) dodged several attempts on his life — all from the under-30s. In 2020, a 19-year-old was arrested in Delaware for driving a van containing guns and explosives within four miles of the president’s home. In addition to the weapons, the young man had $509,000 in cash, books about bomb-making, and a handwritten checklist ending with “execute”. Investigators later claimed to have found internet posts announcing his plan, including a meme on iFunny captioned “Should I kill Joe Biden?”

The following year, a 27-year-old tipped himself off to the Secret Service. “I’m going to come kill the president,” he told them over the phone, “I’m going to kill the Secret Service because I own this whole planet.” When they called him back to find out more, he defended his “right to free speech.” Then he asked them to pick him up and take him to the White House so he could “punch the president in the face, sit in his chair, and stay there until he dies.” They put him in jail instead.

Most recently of all, a 19-year-old was charged with “threatening to kill, kidnap or harm the president”, among other transgressions, when he drove a truck into a White House fence. He got 10 years in prison.

6. Justin Trudeau

After a 46-year-old man stormed the gates of Rideau Hall, the story was mysteriously downplayed. Although they detailed the weapons he had in the truck that he crashed through the gates (an unlicensed revolver, a prohibited semi-automatic rifle, and two shotguns), the media claimed he only wished to arrest, not kill, the Canadian prime minister. Later, they changed their mind and said he just wanted to talk.

In reality, however, the man was charged with threatening to kill or harm Justin Trudeau. A letter that may have contained this threat was never released to the public; only “selective summaries” were “provided to the media by anonymous officials.” The attempt also came just one day after the Dominion Day rally on Parliament Hill, where Canadians waved pictures of Trudeau in a gallows and demanded the prime minister be executed.

It’s thought the establishment was largely silent on the attempt (despite it being the first on any Canadian prime minister) because the assassin was in the armed forces. According to some, it would upset the narrative that soldiers all support their PM.

5. Queen Beatrix

Assassination attempts on royalty are fairly common too. On Queen’s Day in the Netherlands in 2009, a 38-year-old Dutchman crashed his car in a suicide attack on Queen Beatrix. Tragically, he plowed into the watching crowd instead, killing six bystanders and injuring ten others. He also hit a monument and sustained critical injuries. The man later died in hospital — but not before police (who, despite months planning security, had failed to protect anyone) extracted a confession from the brain dead assailant.

By contrast, for Elizabeth II’s VJ (Victory over Japan) Day celebrations in 2010, prime minister David Cameron didn’t entrust his queen’s protection to incompetent Metropolitan police. When he learned of a plot to assassinate her, he ordered a drone strike himself, killing the as yet innocent but suspected British citizens in Syria.

He did, however, leave the public’s protection to the police, who encouraged crowds to ignore credible claims of a pressure cooker bomb in the capital and line the roads for the cameras regardless.

4. Barack Obama

Remote assassination via the postal service would have been fitting for a president who proliferated drone strikes. But it was not to be.

In 2013, a 45-year-old Elvis impersonator sent him “a suspicious granular substance” identified as ricin along with a typewritten letter. “No one wanted to listen to me before,” it read, “There are still ‘Missing Pieces’ [a reference to the assassin’s own novel about black market body parts] …. To see a wrong and not expose it, is to become a silent partner to its continuance.” He signed the letter: “I am KC and I approve this message.” Copies of the letter, complete with ricin, were sent to the Republican senator Roger Wicker (for whom KC once performed) and Mississippi judge Sadie Holland. All were intercepted. 

The FBI claimed nobody died from contact with the letters, but this is hard to believe. Ricin, which is cheaply and easily extracted from castor beans and for which there is no antidote, is so deadly that as little as 500 micrograms (a dose roughly the size of a pin head) can kill. There’s also no specific test for exposure.

Another deadly package addressed to Obama was intercepted in 2018, this time a bomb. Others were also targeted, including George Soros, Hillary Clinton, and former CIA director John Brennan. The return address on them all was that of former chairwoman of the DNC Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who naturally denied involvement.

3. Fumio Kishida

Calling to mind the time George W. Bush had a hand grenade lobbed at him, Japan’s 101st prime minister was shocked to see an explosive device flying his way. He was about to give a speech at Wakayama when the pipe bomb exploded a meter from where he was standing. It probably would have hit him were it not for his guards blocking the attack with an unfurled ballistic suitcase. The 24-year-old attacker was swiftly arrested.

Surprisingly, though, Kishida kept to his schedule and, just six hours later, gave another speech to a crowd in Chiba. There weren’t even any bag checks or metal detectors.

Unlike the alienated relationship between government and the public in most developed countries, Japanese electoral campaigns require candidates to prove their trust in those they aspire to govern. In fact, the number of votes they get is said to be a measure of how many hands they shake.

2. Volodymyr Zelenskyy

Before early 2022, few outsiders had even heard of Volodymyr Zelenskyy, let alone painted his flag on their faces and prayed for God to protect him. By early March, however, people around the world were urgently told of the beleaguered president’s existence — as well as his heroic survival of three assassination attempts in a week (later corrected to 12).

The would-be assassins — Chechen special forces — were shocked before they were killed at Zelenskyy’s timely protection. Apparently, his bodyguards had been tipped off by Russian FSB agents opposed to Putin’s invasion. 

Kremlin-backed mercenaries with the “lunatic”, battle-hardened Wagner group were also dispatched to kill the president; they were thought to be the only ones crazy enough to pull it off. One of their plans was to get a laser target marker on Zelenskyy and call in an airstrike. The president has long since gone into hiding, delivering his speeches from in front of a green screen instead of on the ground in Ukraine.

1. Barack Obama (again)

In 2011, a lone gunman pulled up outside the White House, aimed his semi-automatic rifle, and unleashed a barrage of bullets. One smashed a second floor window by Obama’s formal living room, while another got lodged in a window frame and others hit the roof. 

There was no response. 

Although one Secret Service officer drew her gun and snipers scanned the lawn, the order came quick to stand down. “No shots have been fired,” said a supervisor over the radio. The sound of the gunshots was thought to have come from a vehicle backfiring nearby, or a shootout between neighboring gangs — all despite a witness tweeting that a driver in front of her cab had “STOPPED and fired 5 gun shots at the White House”.

It took the Secret Service four days to realize someone had tried to kill the president — or, rather, it took four days for a housekeeper to notice the debris and tell them about it. (Maybe they were too busy thinking about Colombian prostitutes?) In fact, the only reason the depressed 21-year-old got caught was his unnecessary haste in escaping. Crashing his car just seven blocks away, he left his gun inside when he fled. But he needn’t have worried at all. Even when police were finally alerted, they were looking for a couple of black men; the shooter was alone and hispanic.