We’ve heard about governments taking people to court. But what about the government taking nonliving things to court? As it turns out, the United States has done just that—and more than a few times.

It is hilarious and sounds weird, since, obviously, nonliving things cannot commit crimes or run afoul of the law. Nevertheless, some inanimate objects have ended up as defendants in court, as the following ten courtroom farces illustrate.

10 United States v. 434 Main Street, Tewksbury, Massachusetts

United States v. 434 Main Street, Tewksbury, Massachusetts was a joint litigation in 2012 by the Tewksbury Police Department and the US Department of Justice against a motel owned by Russ Caswell. The motel was built by Caswell’s father in 1955 and is located at the address stated in the lawsuit.

The Tewksbury Police Department and the Justice Department were working together to seize the property under a civil forfeiture law that allows the government to seize properties that have been used for crime. The government has often abused the law in what is said to be synonymous with daylight robbery.

The reasons for abusing the law boil down to money. In this case, the Justice Department hoped to sell the motel for about $1.5 million, out of which the Tewksbury Police Department would have received 80 percent. The police department ganged up with the Justice Department to seize the property because the state of Massachusetts was unlikely to allow them to do so.

In court, the plaintiffs argued that drug dealers often used the motel. This is even though the number of drug deals that happened in the motel was insignificant, a whopping 15 between 1994 and 2008.

A Massachusetts district court later ruled that the US government could not seize the property, since there is no evidence that Caswell and his wife were involved in any of the drug deals that happened in the motel. Besides, the government and police never made any attempt to stop drug dealers from using the motel and never warned the Caswells of any consequences should the drug deals continue.^[1]

9 United States v. One Package Of Japanese Pessaries

In 1873, the US Congress passed the Comstock Act, which forbade the sale and distribution of sexual materials, including books and contraceptives. The act was controversial among women’s right activists who promoted the use contraceptives for birth control. The US government followed the act up with the Tariff Act of 1930 that empowered the US Customs to seize any contraceptive shipped into the country.

In January 1933, the US Customs seized a package containing some contraceptives. The package was intended for Hannah Stone, a physician working with the Birth Control Clinical Research Bureau in New York. The bureau was owned by Margaret Sanger, a birth control activist, and was founded to distribute contraceptives to women. However, Sander fronted it as a research institution with interests in birth control.

Customs took the package to court instead of Stone. They claimed they did not need to charge Stone, since she had not received the package before it was intercepted. Sanger got two attorneys to defend the package in court. They argued that contraceptives were necessary to prevent diseases.

On December 10, 1935, a US district court ruled that Customs could not seize the package, since the Tariff Act did not apply to it. Customs took the case to the Court of Appeals, which, on December 7, 1936, ruled that physicians were exempted from the Tariff Act. The case was a landmark one, as it paved the way for physicians to sell contraceptives for birth control, unlike in the past, where they could only sell it to prevent or treat diseases.

8 United States v. Approximately 64,695 Pounds Of Shark Fins

In 2002, the United States Coast Guard (USCG) seized a US vessel transporting shark fins to Guatemala. The vessel, King Diamond II, had been contracted by Hong Kong-based Tai Loong Hong Marine Products, Ltd (TLH) to pick up some shark fins from fishing vessels on the high seas and ship them to Guatemala, where they were to be sold.

In court, the USCG argued that the ship violated the Shark Finning Prohibition Act, which forbade the sale of shark fins. The government initially named the ship as the defendant but later switched to naming the shark fins. The government argued that the King Diamond II qualified as a fishing vessel since it had aided another fishing vessel at sea. That made sense with the district court, which ruled that TLH forfeited the fins to the government.

TLH appealed the decision. It argued that the ship was not a fishing vessel, since it never assisted any fishing boat. Rather, it purchased shark fins from a fishing vessel. In 2008, the Court of Appeals sided with TLH, stating that the Magnuson Act that covered the Shark Finning Prohibition Act did not clearly explain what constituted a fishing vessel. And since the act never forbade the buying of shark fins, TLH had done nothing wrong.^[3]

7 United States v. One Solid Gold Object In The Form Of A Rooster

In July 1960, the US government issued an arrest warrant for a rooster—not a living one but a 6.4-kilogram (14 lb) rooster made of 18-carat gold. The rooster was exhibited in a glass display case at Nugget Casino, Sparks, Nevada. It had been sculpted in 1958 at the behest of the casino owner, Richard L. Graves, to advertise a fried chicken restaurant inside the casino.

The sculpture happened to have been commissioned at a time when the US needed more gold. Years earlier, the federal government had passed the Gold Reserve Act of 1934, which required Americans to surrender their gold to the Department of the Treasury. Secret Service agents met with Graves to inform him that he had violated the Gold Reserve Act but left him alone after confirming he’d received permission from the San Francisco Mint.

Things took a turn in July 1960, when federal agents arrested the rooster and sent it to a bank vault in California. The rooster appeared before a jury in July 1962, and Graves and the Treasury Department argued over whether it was an art or a tool of commerce.

The Treasury Department argued that the rooster was a tool of commerce since it was used for advertisement. Paul Laxalt, Graves’s attorney and future lieutenant governor, governor, and senator, argued that it was art. Laxalt won, and Graves got his golden rooster back. Had Laxalt lost, the rooster would have been melted down and added to the Federal Reserve.^[4]

6 United States v. One Tyrannosaurus Bataar Skeleton

In 2012, Heritage Auctions in Dallas was preparing to auction the bones of a Tyrannosaurus bataar (aka Tarbosaurus bataar) when the auction was suspended by a court order. The order was filed on behalf of the Mongolian government, which suspected the 70-million-year-old fossil had been illegally excavated from the country and shipped to the US. Under Mongolian law, the state owned all fossils dug from the country.

The US government arrested the dinosaur and took it to court. The primary suspect, Eric Prokopi, was not charged because there was no evidence to indicate he had illegally obtained the fossil. However, investigations revealed that Prokopi had illegally excavated the fossil from the Gobi Desert in Mongolia and exported it to the US.

On October 17, 2012, Homeland Security agents searched Prokopi’s home, where they found another Tyrannosaurus bataar skeleton. A delivery truck even arrived at Prokopi’s home with more fossils while the agents were still there. The US government charged Prokopi in another case named The United States of America v. Eric Prokopi.

Besides illegally excavating the fossils, Prokopi faced other charges for customs fraud, since he had lied to US Customs about the content of the package containing the dinosaur remains.^[5] He was sentenced to three months’ imprisonment. He could have received as many as 17 years, but the judge was lenient with him because he cooperated with investigators.

5 United States v. Forty Barrels & Twenty Kegs Of Coca-Cola

On October 20, 1909, US federal agents enforcing the Pure Food and Drug Act seized 40 barrels and 20 kegs of Coca-cola syrup as it was being transported from Atlanta, Georgia, to Chattanooga, Tennessee. The act had been passed to prevent anyone from selling dangerous foods to the public. Coca-Cola contained caffeine, a stimulant that the Department of Agriculture claimed was dangerous to the body.

The Coca-Cola Company and the government met in court in 1911. On the side of the government was Harvey Washington Wiley of the Department of Agriculture. Wiley argued that caffeine was poisonous. Wiley targeted Coca-Cola instead of tea or coffee, which contained more caffeine, because caffeine was not a natural ingredient of Coca-Cola and because the Coca-Cola Company marketed the drink to children.

The Coca-Cola Company contracted Harry Hollingworth to launch a study into the effects of caffeine on the body. Harry concluded that while Coca-Cola was a mild stimulant, it was not dangerous to the body. The US government lost the case after the judge determined that caffeine was a necessary ingredient in Coca-Cola. The US government appealed the decision and lost but later found victory in the Supreme Court in 1916. This made Coca-Cola reduce the caffeine content of its drink.^[6]

4 United States v. Thirty-Seven Photographs

In 1971, the US government took legal action against 37 obscene photographs that were brought into the country by Milton Luros on October 24, 1969. US Customs seized the photographs since they ran afoul of the law banning the importation of pornographic material.

Luros argued that the pictures were not pornographic material. While they could be classified as obscene, he only planned on adding them into a book detailing different sex positions. The court determined that the law banning the importation of obscene materials was unconstitutional and ruled that Customs return the photographs to Luros.^[7]

3 United States v. $124,700 In U.S. Currency

On May 28, 2003, Emiliano Gomez Gonzolez was driving along Interstate 80 in Nebraska when he was stopped for speeding. During questioning, the trooper realized that Gonzolez’s name was not the same as on the rental contract. A sniffer dog also barked at the vehicle. This culminated in the trooper searching the vehicle and finding $124,700 hidden inside a cooler. He promptly seized the money.

In 2006, Gonzolez’s business partners denied all charges of drug dealing in court. They claimed they had all contributed the money to buy a refrigerated truck they needed for a new business. Gonzalez had flown to Chicago to get the truck, but it had already been sold.

He could not return by air because he had purchased a one-way ticket, thinking he would drive the truck back. He did not use his name to rent the vehicle, either, but depended on someone else to rent it for him since he had no credit card.

The court determined that the money had nothing to do with drugs and ordered it returned to Gonzolez. An appeals court overturned this judgment, ruling that the police had the right to seize such huge amount from anyone.^[8]

2 United States v. Eight Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifty Dollars In United States Currency

On September 10, 1975, US Customs seized $8,850 from Mary Josephine Vasquez as she arrived from Canada at the Los Angeles airport. US law requires that anyone with more than $5,000 worth of currency on them declare it upon entering the US. Vasquez never did. When a Customs agent asked, she said she had less than $5,000 on her.

The Customs officer later discovered she had $8,850 on her and seized it. Customs initially thought Vasquez was involved in drugs but still held onto the money even after investigations revealed that she had nothing to do with drugs. They argued that she had deliberately lied to a Customs officer. In March 1977, the US Customs took legal action to make Vasquez forfeit the money to the government.

Vasquez tried making the court throw the lawsuit out on grounds that the 18 months that had lapsed between the time the money was seized and the lawsuit was filed violated due process. A district court stated that the time was normal considering the circumstances and ruled that the government could take the money. An appeals court reversed this decision.^[9]

1 United States v. One Lucite Ball Containing Lunar Material (One Moon Rock) And One Ten Inch By Fourteen Inch Wooden Plaque

On March 24, 2003, a US District court in Florida decided a case between the US government and 1.1 grams of Moon rock attached to a wooden plaque. The rock and plaque had been gifted to Honduras by President Nixon in 1973. The plaque was kept at Honduras’s presidential palace, where it went missing before reappearing in the US.

The plaque was in the possession of Alan Rosen, who had purchased it from retired Honduras colonel Roberto Argurcia Ugarte for $50,000. The colonel initially wanted $1 million but later settled for $50,000. This was even though specks of lunar dust had sold for ten times that amount around that time. The colonel stated that the rock and plaque were gifted to him after a coup in 1973.

Rosen paid $10,000 in cash, gave the colonel a refrigerated truck worth $15,000, and gave him another $10,000 in two $5,000 installments. He still owed the colonel $15,000 but did not pay, since he later lost the rock to the US government.

NASA had heard of the rock and launched an undercover operation to retrieve it. An agent posted an ad in a newspaper requesting for someone who wanted to sell Moon rocks. Rosen responded to the ad and proposed selling his rock for $5–10 million but settled for $5 million.

US Customs got involved in the sting operation, which culminated in a May 4, 1999, request by the Honduras government for the return of the plaque and rock. It was determined that the plaque and rock had been stolen between 1990 and 1994. The US government sued to retrieve the rock from Rosen and won.^[10]

Nonliving objects and animals are not always safe from litigation. Over the years, people have sued animals and even inanimate objects like puppets. In turn, people have been sued by animals and nonhuman objects.

Obviously, lawsuits of this nature aren’t actually filed by animals or nonliving things but by people or groups. While the following court cases are bizarre, hilarious, or both, they show just how far people will go to get justice.

10 Musician Loses Court Battle Against Puppet

South African musician Steve Hofmeyr holds the rare distinction of having lost a court case to a puppet. The puppet in question is Chester Missing, which is owned by South African ventriloquist and comedian Conrad Koch (pictured above with Chester).

The whole thing began in November 2014, when Hofmeyr blamed black people for apartheid. Koch replied in a series of tweets he posted on his personal Twitter page and Missing’s Twitter page in which he criticized Hofmeyr over his racist statement. One of his messages urged Hofmeyr’s sponsors to cancel their contracts with the musician.

Hofmeyr requested for a protection order against Koch and Missing over what he called threats and harassment. However, he failed to receive the order when a court determined that Koch and Missing had done nothing wrong and could tweet about Hofmeyr. The court also ordered Hofmeyr to pay Koch and Missing’s attorney fees.

Koch quickly returned to making tweets about Hofmeyr, who he called “Racistboy.” The less-than-amused Hofmeyr accused the courts of siding with the comedian and his puppet.^[1]

9 Kansas Sues A Toyota Truck And Loses

In 2018, the state of Kansas lost a lawsuit against a Toyota pickup truck. Sergeant Christopher Ricard of the Geary County Sheriff’s Department stopped the truck over a partially obscured traffic plate. However, he impounded it when Scooby, his police dog, sniffed out 11.9 grams of marijuana hidden inside the vehicle. Sergeant Ricard also found $84,000 in cash.

The state filed to seize the vehicle and money. Considering that it was a civil forfeiture case, the state listed the truck, money, and marijuana as defendants instead of the two men driving it. However, the court determined that the state could not legally seize the truck and money because Sergeant Ricard had illegally extended the stop to allow Scooby to sniff the vehicle.^[2]

8 Police Dog Wins Lawsuit Filed By A Burglar It Bit

On July 6, 2013, a Georgia man named Randall Kevin Jones broke into his ex’s home and stole several items, including her television, camera, and game console. The unnamed ex called the police after spotting Jones leaving her home. Officers from the Gwinnett County Police Department responded to the scene.

The police found Jones and ordered him to surrender. Jones didn’t and started to run. He continued running, even after an officer threatened to send a police dog after him. The officer ultimately unleashed the dog, named Draco. Draco bit Jones, sending him falling into a ravine. Jones required some stitches for his injuries.

Two years later, Jones sued the police department for “excessive use of force.” As defendants, he named at least three officers and the dog, which was listed as “Officer K-9 Draco of the Gwinnett County Police Department in his individual capacity.” Jones claimed Officer K-9 Draco bit him “for what seemed like a lifetime.” He also claimed the officers watched and didn’t try to get Draco off him as this was happening.

Gwinnet County tried to have the lawsuit dismissed, but a federal judge rejected this, so the county appealed. Finally, Judge Robin Rosenbaum of the 11th US Circuit Court of Appeals in Atlanta threw the case out, saying, “We hold that a dog may not be sued individually for negligence since a dog is not a person.” She added that dogs cannot be issued a subpoena, cannot get an attorney, and cannot pay damages if found guilty.^[3]

7 Judge Stops Horse From Suing Its Owner

In 2018, a horse in Oregon sued its owner for neglect. It requested $100,000 in damages. However, a judge threw the case out because horses cannot sue their owners, or anybody for that matter. The horse itself did not file the lawsuit, though. The Animal Legal Defense Fund did on its behalf.

The horse, named Justice, was owned by Gwendolyn Vercher, who had left it outside in the cold. Justice was hungry, thirsty, and underweight by 136 kilograms (300 lb) at the time it was rescued. It also suffered from frostbite. Vercher was charged with neglect of an animal and paid for the horse’s treatment.

However, the Animal Legal Defense Fund filed the lawsuit because Justice could need money for further treatment. The court ruled the horse could not file the lawsuit because otherwise, courts would soon be filled with animals suing their owners. Gwendolyn Vercher said the lawsuit was “outrageous.”^[4]

6 Aborted Fetus Sues Abortion Clinic

In March 2019, Ryan Magers sued the Alabama Women’s Center for Reproductive Alternatives in Huntsville, Alabama, for aborting his unborn child. Also listed as defendants were the company that made the pill used for the abortion, the doctor who did the abortion, and every organization the doctor worked with.

Ryan Magers called the fetus Baby Roe. He claimed his girlfriend aborted Baby Roe in February 2017. She was six weeks pregnant at the time and went ahead with the abortion after he refused. Magers said he filed the lawsuit because he wants the law to protect fathers of unborn children.

For now, the law allows the mother to abort the baby without any consideration from the father. The lawsuit has raised eyebrows among feminists and pro-abortion advocates. The case is currently ongoing.^[5]

5 Monkey Selfie Ends In A Win For Photographer

In 2008, photographer David Slater encountered a troop of crested black macaques while taking pictures at an Indonesian wildlife park. While he concentrated on shooing some curious monkeys, others snuck to his camera, which was on a tripod, and started to click on the shutter.

The monkeys took hundreds of pictures, some of which included Slater. However, the most popular was a selfie taken by a monkey that pressed on the shutter. What followed was a bizarre copyright battle between Slater and the monkey, which was named Naruto.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) claimed that Naruto owned the copyright to the picture. Slater insisted that he owned the copyright and not Naruto. In 2015, PETA filed a copyright lawsuit on behalf of Naruto. In 2017, PETA agreed to dump the lawsuit on the condition that Slater gave them 25 percent of the royalties he received from the images.

However, in 2018, a court stopped PETA from settling the lawsuit because it wanted to pass judgment that would allow judges to decide over similar incidents in the future. The court ruled that animals cannot file or own copyrights. This effectively gave copyright ownership to Slater.^[6]

4 Wheelchair Thief Sues Police Dog

On April 23, 2015, 55-year-old Stanley McQuery broke into the Hillcrest, San Diego, home of 79-year-old William Ballard. He attacked Ballard and stole his phone and electric wheelchair. He also demanded money. The police were called in.

Officers found McQuery in the neighborhood. For some reason, his getaway vehicle was Ballard’s wheelchair, which traveled at a pitiable 3.2 kilometers per hour (2 mph). The police sent a dog after McQuery after he refused orders to stop. McQuery was ultimately sentenced to 16 years in prison because he already had three felony convictions.

In 2016, McQuery sued the police dog for “excessive force, assault and battery” while in prison. He demanded $7 million in compensation. He claimed he was already on the ground at the time the officer set the dog on him. He added that the officer told the dog, “Eat him up, eat him up.”

McQuery later claimed he made a mistake by naming the dog as a defendant. He said he loved dogs and never planned to sue a dog. However, this does not explain the fact that he listed the dog as a defendant twice.^[7]

3 Monkey Gets Charged With Assault For Attacking Woman

On November 29, 1877, The New York Times reported that one Ms. Mary Shea lost a lawsuit against Jimmy Dillio, a monkey owned by one Mr. Casslo Dillio. Trouble began for Jimmy when Mr. Dillio took him to Ms. Shea’s shop. Shea offered Jimmy a piece of candy, which he accepted while chattering in appreciation.

However, Jimmy turned violent and bit Ms. Shea’s finger when she playfully attempted to retrieve the candy. Mrs. Shea got Mr. Dillio and Jimmy arrested and taken to court. Judge Flammer threw the case out, saying the that court could not charge monkeys. Jimmy reportedly exhibited some gentlemanly behavior by doffing his hat after Judge Flammer delivered the decision.^[8]

2 Woman Attempts To Get Monkeys Charged With Sexual Assault

In 2015, 23-year-old Melissa Hart tried getting a pair of monkeys arrested and charged with sexual assault while he was visiting Gibraltar. She was watching the Barbary macaques when two of them attacked her without warning.

The monkeys scratched her with their paws, pulled at her clothes and hair, and removed her bikini top. She screamed for help during the attack, but nearby tourists just laughed. She was saved when a warden chased the monkeys away.

A startled, embarrassed, and angry Ms. Hart reported the incident to the police and tried to file charges against the monkeys. The officers turned down her request because monkeys are wild animals and cannot be charged. One officer even asked her if she could identify the monkeys in a police lineup.^[9]

1 Man Sues Police Dog After He Was Bitten

In 2018, 66-year-old Joseph Carr of Oregon sued a police dog named Rolo and its handler, Deputy Jason Bernards of the Marion County Sheriff’s Office, because Rolo bit him. Rolo bit Carr on September 18, 2016, as Carr attended the opening of a store.

Carr met Deputy Bernards and Rolo standing at the entrance of the store. Bernards told Rolo to “say hi,” which Carr took as an invitation to pet the dog. However, Rolo bit Carr in the abdomen when Carr touched the canine’s ear and head. Carr sued for $50,000 in damages.

Deputy Bernards claimed that Carr was bitten because he wrapped his hands around the dog’s snout. However, Carr’s attorney, Brian Hefner, noted that surveillance footage shows that Carr only touched the dog’s head and ear. Carr said the bite scar constantly reminds him of the “horrific and unnecessary event.”^[10]

Court jesters were powerful figures in the courts of monarchs around the world. Often kitted out in distinctive outfits they enjoyed the extravagant luxury that most people could only dream of. As long as they made the monarch laugh the jester was secure in their position. It was also position of unique power because they were allowed to say things that would otherwise have a monarch calling for a headsman.

Here are ten of histories greatest jesters and their japes.

Top 10 Clowns You Don’t Want To Mess With

10 Jeffrey Hudson

One way to win a ruler’s eye and then the position of court jester was to have a physical difference. Hunchbacks, the tall, and dwarfs were always welcome additions in a court. Sir Jeffrey Hudson stood just 18 inches tall when he was presented to Queen Henrietta Maria in 1626 at seven years old. He made his appearance by leaping from a pie, dressed in a miniature and glittering suit of armour.

He followed the queen across the country as she travelled and entertained her in private. Because of his short stature but perfect proportion he was considered one of the “wonders of the age.” The court would roar in laughter when a porter who was over 7 feet tall pulled Hudson from his pocket. Alas England was soon to be plunged into a civil war and Hudson was the pet of the losing side.

When the parliamentary forces came close to catching Queen Henrietta Maria Hudson refused to abandon her and rushed to her defence with a sword and pistol. For his bravery he was named Captain of Horse. His bravery cost him dearly when he followed the queen into exile in France.

When another exile mocked Hudson too harshly the dwarf challenged him to a duel. Hudson blew the man’s brains out with a single shot. For this he was banished. Later captured by Barbary pirates he was held in slavery for 25 years.

9 Borra

Since a single word from a king could prove deadly then it was a matter of utmost importance that they be kept in a good mood. Kings were always fretful when they were ill because people might begin to think about who would replace them – and might try to cull their possible successors. So jesters often attended ill monarchs as assiduously as doctors.

When king Martin I of Aragon lay in his sick bed his jester Borra was called to entertain him. Borra unfortunately was slow to come so the king asked what had kept him. Borra’s joke was apparently so funny that it finished the monarch off. You have been warned.

“In the next vineyard, where I saw a young deer hanging by his tail from a tree, as if someone had so punished him for stealing figs.”

Assuming you survived that sally of the jester’s wit and are still reading this you are luckier than King Martin I. He found it so amusing that he laughed for a solid three hours before falling from his bed and dying.

8 Taillefer

The Battle of Hastings in 1066 was one of the great turning points in British history. The victorious Normans led by William the Conqueror completely reshaped English society. Few know however that the first Norman to die in the battle was not a ferocious warrior but the court jester of the Conqueror.

Taillefer was a juggler and singer and he did both of these things in front of the Norman forces. Singing the Song of Roland and tossing swords above his head Taillefer apparently amused his own side. The English were less taken with his japes. One soldier rushed out and challenged him, but Taillefer managed to slay him. Taillefer then ran into the English lines – but his luck ran out and he was killed. For some reason he was left out of the Bayeux tapestry despite his sword juggling antics.

Interestingly the name Taillefer can be translated as “hewer of iron” in French. 900 years after Taillefer left Normandy another “Hewer of Iron” would land there. Eisenhower can also be translated as “Hewer of Iron.”

7 Mathurine de Vallois

Mathurine de Valois served at the French royal court under kings Henry III, Henry IV, and Louis XIII around 1600. She was as famous for her eccentric outfit as for her sharp wit. She tended to appear at the court dressed as an Amazon warrior, complete with wooden shield and sword.

While jesters held a privileged position in court they were not immune to the jealousy of others. One haughty lady of the court found herself placed beside Mathurine at a feast and proclaimed “I don’t like having a fool at my right.” Mathurine leapt up at once and sat on the other side of the lady. “I don’t mind it at all,” she said.

Mathurine was said to be so funny that she could ridicule people out of their Protestant faith and make them Catholics again. She was also brave. When an assassin appeared at the king’s bedroom door and tapped on it with a dagger the king blamed Mathurine for the noise. “Devil take that fool with her tricks,” he said. But it was Mathurine who stopped the assassin escaping by blocking a doorway.

6 Philip VI’s Jester

The Hundred Years War between the English and the French was a series of wars dragged on for 116 years. One of the earliest large battles of the conflict saw a hundred English ships face a French fleet twice their number at the Battle of Sluys. The English did not even have a purpose built navy. Edward III only had three ships of his own – the rest of his navy was requisitioned from merchants.

Yet the English fleet managed to destroy the numerically superior French force. Around 20,000 French soldiers and sailors lost their lives in the battle. It was one of the greatest naval defeats in European history. Perhaps understandably no one at court wanted to be the one to tell their king Philip VI.

The court jester was the one to step up. “Our knights are much braver than the English,” he told the king. “How so?” The king asked. “The English do not dare to jump into the sea in full armour.”

5 Will Somers

Henry VIII had a bit of temper, as his many ex-wives could have told you – so long as Henry left them with their head. To be his court jester was a perilous position but one the Will Somers managed to occupy for decades.

As the “King’s Fool” Somers was given extraordinary access to the king. He was allowed to enter the king’s bedchamber when even his highest nobles were stopped at the door. Somers did not always use his fool’s position wisely. He once made a joke about Anne Boleyn, while calling Princess Elizabeth a bastard, that made Henry so angry he threatened to kill the jester. Somers managed to survive and held his place at court. He was even featured in a portrait of the Tudor family and the king had him depicted in his own private prayer book.

Despite being known for a generally gentle form of humour Somers once shamed a juggler so much that he left court. One joke ended with him throwing milk in the juggler’s face – and the juggler left court forever.

Because Somers was able to calm the raging king he was well loved by nobles who otherwise might have suffered Henry’s wrath. Robert Armin wrote a poem in his honour.

“Few men were more beloved than was this fool
Whose merry prate kept with the King much rule.
When he was sad the King with him would rhyme;
Thus Will exil’d sadness many a time.”

4 Dongfang Shuo

Wit was greatly prized in the courts of Chinese emperors, even when the wrong joke could see a person executed for saying the wrong word. Yet there was one jester who managed to not only survive but become a deity.

Dongfang Shuo managed to win a place at the court of Emperor Wu by boasting about both his all round greatness and his impressive height. Amused by his pompous manner the emperor hired him but did not give him anything to do. To catch the emperor’s attention he tricked all the palace dwarfs into bowing down to emperor – when the emperor asked them who made them do this they told him it was Dongfang. The emperor challenged him and he replied:

“The dwarfs are somewhat over three feet in height, and as a stipend they receive one sack of grain and 240 cash each. I am somewhat over nine feet in height, and as a stipend I too receive one sack of grain and 240 cash. The dwarfs are about to die from overeating, I am about to die of hunger.”

The Emperor laugh and Dongfang went on to be an imperial advisor and favoured scholar. Later he was adopted as a god of gold and silver and became a stock figure in Chinese art.

3 The Earl of Rochester

After the English Civil War the monarchy was abolished, only to be restored in 1660 with the return of Charles II. While his mother and father had employed jesters Charles II clearly found them a bit old fashioned for he did not. Instead he relied on the people around him to be amusing. Everyone agreed that John Wilmot, second Earl of Rochester, was the wittiest man alive – as well as being one of the worst people you would ever meet.

Young, dashing, and handsome he was a hit at court. A quick wit and poetic nature allowed him to become the unofficial jester of the Restoration Era. He once wrote this rhyme outside the King’s bedchamber:

“Here lies our sovereign lord the king,
Whose word no man relies on;
He never says a foolish thing,
Nor ever does a wise one.”

The King replied by saying “That’s true, for my words are my own, but my actions are those of my ministers.” Unfortunately some other japes could not be forgiven so easily. Rochester was a drunk, a rapist, and violent to boot. It was no surprise when Rochester died in his thirties of the effects of drunkenness and syphilis. One of his poems seems to sum up his end.

“After a search so painful, and so long
That all his life he has been in the wrong.
Huddled in dirt the reasoning engine lies
Who was so proud, so witty and so wise.”

2 Hershel of Ostropol

Hershel of Ostropol was a jester who made his way in the world relying entirely on his wits. Beginning in poverty he was first a butcher but his jokes made the townspeople so upset that he just left his job and moved around as a travelling funny man. Over the centuries he has become a stock figure in folk stories.

Among the tales told about him are the time he refused to doff his cap to noble passing by. The lord was offended. “Where are you from?” He demanded. “Ostropol,” Hershel replied. “And what about the hat?” Hershel smiled and said “The hat is from Ostropol too.”

After his travels, impressing poor people with his ability to mock the wealthy, he ended up as the unofficial jester of Rabbi Boruch of Medzhybizh. The Rabbi was supposedly a deeply melancholy man but Hershel’s wit was the one thing that made him feel better.

1 Roland the Farter

The oldest joke in the world dates from Sumeria around 1900 BC and goes as follows: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” In the 5th century AD Saint Augustine of Hippo noted that some people could “produce at will such musical sounds from their behind (without any stink) that they seem to be singing from the region” Farts have always been funny it seems, but some people have made whole careers out of it.

Henry II of England was apparently very amused by the antics of a man who has become known to history as Roland the Farter. The king loved this jester and his gusts of wind that he gave Roland a manor house and 30 acres of land.

Little is known about the life of Roland the Farter but is recorded that the rent he owed to the crown for his land was “Unum saltum et siffletum et unum bumbulum” – One jump, one whistle, and one fart.

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