War. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. And to drive that point home with some stark consistency, these are 10 of the most pointless wars that have ever been waged,
10. The Pastry War
Most wars are named in a way that gives you an incline about what they were about or at least between whom. The Franco-Prussian War, World War I, the names make sense. So when you hear about a war called the Pastry War, it’s not unreasonable to be a little confused about what it even means.
The Pastry War did have pastry at its root, but it was more a war looking for a cause than a cause for a war. It took place in 1838 and 1839 between the nations of France and Mexico. Before this time, Mexico was still a very young nation and France was not entirely on board with their independence. The king of France still considered Mexico an extension of Spain, and France and Spain were not on the best of terms, nor had they been for a few hundred years.
In 1830, France and Mexico developed a trade relationship, and this led to new tensions over taxes. And this helped exacerbate an already existing and relatively insignificant problem. In 1828, during a period of civil unrest in Mexico City, the pastry shop of a man named Remontel was ransacked by Mexican soldiers who ate all his pastries and he wanted compensation.
Remontel demanded the Mexican government compensate him with 60,000 pesos. His shop was worth only 1,000. When Mexico declined, he complained to France. The King demanded Mexico pay 600,000 pesos. Mexico scoffed at the idea. France responded by deploying ships of war to set up a blockade. One thing led to another and the next thing you know, 30,000 French soldiers have taken over Veracruz and captured the entire Mexican Navy.
After seven months with no progress in defeating the French, Mexico had the British intervene on their behalf. They paid France 600,000 pesos and Remontel got his 60,000.
9. The Lobster War
If you’re going to go to war over food, you may as well make it something luxurious. In 1961, France and Brazil came to blows over the shellfish. French fishermen were 100 miles off the Brazilian coast, catching lobster. Brazil said that was still on their continental shelf and therefore they were their lobsters. Each side took the issue to their respective governments. Brazil sent six patrol boats to aid the fisherman which really ticked off French President Charles de Gaulle, who sent a French destroyer to help his own countrymen.
The Brazilians outnumbered the French, and so the French retreated. Brazil told them to leave within 48 hours. They refused, so one French ship was taken hostage.
No guns were fired, but the dispute continued for three entire years. Diplomacy won out, and the countries went to an international court. The government of Brazil extended their waters to 200 miles, so there would be no further issue.
8. Molossia vs East Germany
If you head to Dayton, Nevada, you may run across a patch of land that’s just a bit over an acre in size. This is the Republic of Molossia, a country that isn’t actually a real place, but the man who runs it definitely knows how to commit to a bit.
Considered an unrecognized micronation, Molossia was founded by Kevin Baugh, former sergeant first class in the US Army. His country started all the way back in 1977 when it was the Grand Republic of Vuldstein. Baugh does pay property taxes and, like any nation, it has had political strife. They’ve been at war with East Germany since 1983.
You may recall that East Germany isn’t even a country anymore, but that hasn’t slowed Baugh down because when it was a country, he was stationed in West Germany. East German military exercises woke him up in the night and so he vowed to wage war on that injustice. Even when the country stopped existing, he pointed out that Ernst Thälmann Island was not named in the dissolution of East Germany and, therefore, he’s still at war with them.
If the whole thing sounds like a joke, then don’t worry. Baugh is well aware of the goofiness and is just having fun. But to stick to a joke since 1983 is pretty impressive.
7. The Huéscar War
Most people are likely not familiar with Huéscar because it’s not a great nation with a long history. That’s because it’s not a nation at all, it’s a town in Spain. In 2021, it had a population of just over 7,000. So the fact that Huéscar went to war with Denmark seems like a bit of an unbalanced battle. And that doesn’t take into account the fact that, when the war officially ended in 1981, it had been going for 172 years.
The war dates back to the Napoleonic Wars in 1809. At that time, Denmark supported France in their war against Spain. Napoleon lost and in 1814 the Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the war between all combatants. All but one.
Back in 1809, the town of Huéscar decided to also formally declare war on Denmark alongside their countrymen. It was a needless declaration since Spain as a whole was involved, but local politicians can sometimes have bigger, weirder aspirations than their station normally allows. They never actually engaged in war because the town had a total of 8 municipal guards. The declaration was all but forgotten until 1981, when it was rediscovered.
The town had to decide what to do with their still open war against Denmark, alive and strong despite generations of people not knowing about it. They agreed that ending the war was the right thing to do and no doubt the people of Denmark slept a little easier that night.
6. The Kettle War
It’s hard to call any war a good war, but there are things you may want to see in a war if you have the option. Low casualties are obviously the greatest outcome and if a war can somehow take place with no one dying, then all the better. The Kettle War was one such war. A single shot was fired and the only victim was a soup kettle.
The not-quite battle took place between the Holy Roman Empire, here represented by the Spanish Netherlands, and then the Republic of the Seven Netherlands. The Seven Netherlands in the north had control of the Scheldt River. In 1784, the Holy Roman Emperor decided that it was time to reopen the river to trade and sent three ships to the northern nation. The Dutch responded with one.
The Dutch vessel fired a single shot when they met. It hit the kettle on the Le Louis and the captain surrendered right away. The Le Louis was far better appointed for war than the Dutch vessel, so the surrender was unusual.
The Emperor declared war soon after, but a series of floods on land made the entire incident a fast one with the Dutch capitulating and a compromise being reached.
5. The Emu War
In a typical war, you have two or more sides in a dispute over land, religion, trade, or a host of other issues. But almost always the participants are human. Not so in the Great Emu War, which wasn’t named in any poetic or metaphorical war. It was a war on emus.
After the First World War, the Australian government began giving out plots of land to their veterans. Thousands of acres were provided as farmland because Australia has a lot of room to spare. But it was technically not uninhabited. The emus were there. And they were causing a ruckus.They destroyed crops and they were big enough that they could literally knock over fences by running at them.
By 1932, there was a bounty placed on the birds.The farmers couldn’t handle them all, so the military was called in. They managed to corner 1000 of them and the gun they were going to use to kill them jammed. They took out maybe 10. After several days of trying and 2500 rounds of ammo, they’d killed 200. The final tally was about 10 bullets wasted per emu shot.
By 1934, the government had provided ammo to the farmers and, sadly, the emus didn’t fare well. Nearly 60,000 died, but the species persevered and now is a protected species.
4. The Anglo-Zanzibar War
The war in Afghanistan lasted nearly 20 years. It was by no means the longest war ever, but it was America’s longest war. There’s not really a time period for any given war, of course, but typically they last a while. At least a few days, right? The Anglo-Zanzibar War lasted 38 minutes.
Two days before the war, the Sultan of Zanzibar had died. The replacement sultan had not been approved by Britain, which was supposed to happen according to the official rules governing Zanzibar as a British protectorate. So Britain told the new sultan he had to go. In response, he locked himself in the palace.
The British had several naval vessels, including warships. The sultan was ordered to stand down by 9:00 in the morning but he refused. By 9:02, his artillery was destroyed, and the palace was collapsing. Word is the sultan fled at the same time and by 9:40, his forces surrendered, ending the war.
3. The Bucket War
Numerous countries have experienced civil wars over the years and they’re typically over land or ideologies, but not always. For instance, in 1325, the Italian city-states of Modena and Bologna devolved into a war over a bucket.
The story goes that soldiers from Modena snagged a bucket from a well in Bologna. This prompted the Bolognese people to send their army to retrieve it. This, in turn, led to 30,000 Guelph foot soldiers on behalf of the Pope coming to the aid of Bologna, while 5,000 Ghibellines on behalf of the Holy Roman Emperor joined the cause for Modena.
Over 2,000 soldiers died and by some accounts the bucket was nothing more than a colorful story to distract from much greater causes, including Modena taking a Bolognese castle. But even in that version, they still stole a bucket.
2. The Stray Dog War
In 1925, Bulgaria and Greece proved that just about any pretence for war could be used if one nation was dedicated enough. In this case, it was fought over a stray dog. Of course, as we said, that was just some pretence and there were bigger issues at play, including a dispute over claims to Western Thrace. Many soldiers had died on both sides over the years.
In October 1925 a soldier stationed near the border between Greece and Bulgaria lost control of a dog. The dog ran towards Bulgaria.The soldier ran after and when he got too close the Bulgarians shot him.
Greek general Pangalos was not about to let this stand. He threatened Bulgaria if they didn’t make amends, but they refused. Greece invaded and took possession of a town until the League of Nations ordered them out and ordered Greece to pay for the damage they had caused.
1. The Great Goat War
We already saw how Australia went to war against emus, but at least the emus had a fighting chance in that skirmish. Not so for the goats of the Galapagos Islands, which had $10 million in UN funding, two helicopters, 100 hunters and 500,000 rounds of ammunition after them. But hey, the goats lasted nearly 10 years after war was declared, so that’s something.
Feral goats were introduced to the Galapagos in the 1700s. A few goats turned into 120,000 goats by the 2000s and they were destroying the island, including the habitat of the native tortoises. They were very directly responsible for the near extinction of the tortoises. So they had to go. This also resulted in a serious loss of food and income for locals, but alas, no one was fighting back for the goats.