Back in 1564, Italian anatomist Gabriello Fallopio boasted about a novel contraption he claimed to have invented – a linen sheath drenched in chemicals, dried stiff, and tied with a ribbon. In other words, the world’s first male condom, uncomfortable yet oddly similar to today’s version. While this early barrier method was a step forward, the spread of venereal diseases persisted, prompting desperate patients to turn to a parade of absurd cures. Below are the 10 crazy ineffective remedies that history handed down, each more baffling than the last.
10 Crazy Ineffective Remedies That Shaped Medical Folklore
10 Eat Plants That Give You Diarrhea
When the syphilis epidemic first roared across Europe, some physicians swore that the disease’s origin lay in the New World. Rich, influential patients were thus urged to ingest North‑American botanicals, believing the herbs would purge the infection. The prevailing logic was that STDs stemmed from “unclean” sexual contact, so the solution was a thorough internal cleanse via diaphoretics and laxatives.
Plants such as guaiac, sarsaparilla, and sassafras were prescribed to produce a strong “cleansing” effect. In reality, these herbs merely induced severe diarrhea, leaving patients dehydrated and none the wiser about their infection.
9 Cauterizing Herpes Sores
Ancient Roman medical writer Aulus Cornelius Celsus was the first to document the blistery nature of herpes in his treatise De Medica. His remedy? Brand the sores with a red‑hot iron – the same technique used to mark livestock.
Centuries later, some people still try to scorch herpes lesions with alcohol or iodine, hoping to “burn away” the virus. The reality is that the virus remains untouched while the skin suffers needless pain and damage.
8 “Clapping” the Penis
Medieval French physicians once theorized that forcibly expelling discharge could cure gonorrhea. Rumor has it they instructed patients to slam the penis between two heavy objects – perhaps a book and a table – in a desperate attempt to “shake out” the infection. The historic record is murky, but the notion aligns with the era’s belief that physical trauma could purge disease.
The story is sometimes linked to the nickname “the Clap” for gonorrhea, though linguistic scholars argue the term more likely derives from the French “clapier,” meaning brothel.
7 Mercury Creams
Swiss‑German alchemist Paracelsus dismissed American herbal remedies and instead championed topical mercury ointments as a cure for syphilis. Mercury, of course, is a potent toxin. Users suffered kidney failure, mouth ulcers, tooth loss, and even mental deterioration.
The phrase “A night with Venus, a lifetime with Mercury” sprang from this practice, alluding to the Roman pantheon. One classic recipe called for a base of lard, cock’s fat, butter, oil, or even “the saliva of a hungry man,” blended with quicksilver that was said to “undergo mortification” and become more absorbable.
6 Mercury Pills
When a mercury salve proved insufficient, physicians turned to solid doses. Originating in Turkey, mercury pills spread quickly across Europe. Though the filler ingredients – perfume essence, lemon juice, fruit flavorings – were harmless, the high mercury content often resulted in acute poisoning.
19th‑century doctor Poór studied syphilitic patients treated with mercury and found that 60 % returned with lingering syphilis symptoms plus clear signs of mercury toxicity. The medication likely killed patients faster than the disease itself.
5 Sweat Baths
For centuries, sweat baths have been praised for easing arthritis, asthma, and stress. When syphilis surged in the 1400s, doctors mistakenly believed that profuse sweating could purge the infection, especially when paired with poisonous mercury salves.
These “cures” often included diuretics, pushing patients toward dangerous dehydration. While a good sweat can feel refreshing, it did nothing to halt venereal disease.
4 Weightlifting
Greek physician Soranus of Ephesus viewed gonorrhea as a malfunction of the male “bladder” – essentially, a failure to retain discharge. His solution? Strap lead weights onto the body, an ancient forerunner of modern ankle‑weights, hoping that a stronger physique would translate to a stronger, more “controlled” penis.
3 Eat Plants That Give You Stomach Cramps
Physicians treating gonorrhea sometimes prescribed powdered cubeb – a pepper from Indonesia – and copaiba balsam from a South American tree. To mask the acrid taste, they mixed these powders with licorice or gelatin.
In 1859 alone, Britain imported 150,000 lb of copaiba balsam for this purpose. Both substances provoked severe gastrointestinal distress and were toxic in large doses.
Although the harsh gut upset often halted the discharge, doctors mistakenly interpreted the symptom relief as a cure. In reality, patients endured painful cramps without any real eradication of the infection.
2 Penile Irrigation
During the American Civil War, World Wars I and II, men who contracted an STD were often sentenced to a humiliating, painful procedure called penile irrigation. Soldiers would spend up to a month in a field hospital, lying on their backs with legs apart while their trousers were removed.
A physician would cleanse the genital area, insert a tube into the urethra, and hang a douche‑can two feet above the patient. A solution dripped in until the soldier announced a full bladder, at which point the tube was withdrawn.
These sessions were dreaded, yet after the treatment the men were declared “cured” and sent back to the front. Contemporary newspapers described the venereal wards as “wrecked upon the treacherous shoals of vice and passion.”
1 Injections of Silver
In Paris, health officials nicknamed “the Kings of the Whores” routinely injected mercury into the urethra to halt discharge. When mercury proved ineffective, silver nitrate – and later colloidal silver – took its place.
During World War I, the U.S. government distributed “pro‑kits” to soldiers, each containing a mercury injection and a set of instructions urging doctors to “permeate the urethra as deeply as possible,” while cautioning against over‑extending the canal.
About the Author: Jackie Mead is a museum educator and regular contributor to History Magazine and History Is Now.