As strange as it sounds, a surprising number of women have tied the knot with serial killers. Psychologists point to a rare sexual paraphilia called hybristophilia, where the allure lies in being attracted to someone convicted of a shocking crime. Professor John Money describes it as a thrill that comes from being with a person who has “committed an outrage or crime, such as rape, murder, or armed robbery.” These are just a few of the many motives that drive women to say “I do” to a murderer.
10 reasons women: The Dark Motives
10 Vicarious Celebrity
Denise Mina asks a provocative question in her article: “Why are women drawn to men behind bars?” She notes that courting a prisoner is no walk in the park. A woman may have to swap letters with dozens of inmates before finding a genuine connection, and then she must battle the logistical nightmare of visiting a man locked away in a high‑security facility. Yet many persist. Why? Mina argues that the notoriety of a serial killer carries a glossy, almost glamorous sheen. By marrying such a figure, a woman can bask in what she perceives as “vicarious celebrity,” turning the spotlight onto herself simply by association. While killers like Richard Ramirez and Ted Bundy gathered crowds of admirers, only one woman can claim the title of wife, and that status brings a flood of media attention.
In other words, the infamy of a murderer can feel like a passport to fame. Women who choose this path often see themselves as part of a headline‑making story, believing that the marriage will elevate their own social standing. The allure of being the spouse of a notorious criminal can be intoxicating, offering a strange blend of danger and public adulation that many find irresistible.
9 Fantasy of Future Bliss
Sheila Isenberg, author of Women Who Love Men Who Kill, echoes Mina’s observations but adds a hopeful twist. Some women aren’t just after fame; they cling to the belief that their love will eventually blossom into a blissful future. They picture a day when the prison gates swing open, and their partner can devote himself fully to their shared life, free from the constraints of incarceration. This vision of a post‑prison romance fuels their perseverance, even though such happy endings are, in reality, rarely attainable.
Isenberg points out that these women cling to a dream of endless love, convinced that once the killer is released, they’ll finally live “a life of unending romance.” The fantasy is powerful enough to outweigh the practical hardships of maintaining a relationship across steel bars, despite the slim odds of ever seeing that imagined future come to fruition.
8 Raising Public Awareness
Not every bride of a murderer is after fame or romance. Some are driven by a sense of justice, hoping to shine a light on legal shortcomings. Public defender Rosalie Martinez is a prime example. She fell in love with Oscar Ray Bolin, a former truck driver convicted ten times for raping and killing three women in Florida. Bolin’s convictions were later overturned on technicalities, prompting Martinez to champion his cause.
Katherine Ramsland, Ph.D., notes that Bolin’s case was riddled with procedural “errors” that led to his initial convictions. Martinez believed that marrying Bolin over the phone in 1995 would thrust his legal battle into the public arena, drawing attention to what she perceived as a miscarriage of justice.
Unfortunately, Bolin’s legal saga took another dark turn in 2012 when he was again convicted, this time receiving a life sentence alongside two death sentences. Martinez’s strategy to raise awareness, while bold, could not alter the final outcome of the courts.
7 Convenience
Beyond fame and advocacy, many women cite sheer convenience as a reason to wed a locked‑up killer. By marrying a man sentenced to life, they secure a partner who is perpetually devoted, never straying, and who can’t “wander off” in the traditional sense. This arrangement lets them enjoy the romance of a boyfriend without the day‑to‑day responsibilities of cohabitation.
Ramsland observes that such wives relish the freedom from household chores and the ordinary pressures of a typical relationship. They can proudly tell friends they are loved, while simultaneously maintaining a distance that shields them from the usual marital obligations. In this way, the marriage becomes a curated fantasy that can be sustained indefinitely.
6 To Change Him
Another strand of motivation comes from the belief that love can transform even the most violent soul. Pat Brown, author of Killing for Sport, describes women who see their murderous partner as a misunderstood, damaged individual. These women often think that, with enough love and patience, they can “save” the killer from his own darkness.
Brown explains that such women may stay by a man who beats them, convinced that their loyalty will eventually coax him into a gentler version of himself. Ironically, being behind bars can make this dynamic feel safer: the abuser can’t physically assault her, turning the prison wall into a bizarre shield that allows the woman to continue her mission of redemption.
5 Nurture
Closely related to the desire to change a killer is the urge to nurture the child‑like side they perceive within him. R.J. Parker, in Serial Killer Groupies, notes that some women believe they can gain control by making the killer fall in love with them, thereby steering his actions. This sense of influence can be intoxicating.
Other women, however, focus on providing the affection they think the killer missed during his own childhood. By offering care and compassion, they hope to dissolve the “cruel and harmful nature” of the murderer, believing that love can rewrite his violent instincts and make him “amicable again.”
4 Sympathy
Tracey Bottomley from West Yorkshire, UK, fell for American killer Ernest Otto Smith after meeting him through a prison pen‑pal program in 2018. She openly admitted that she knew he might someday kill her, yet she chose to marry him anyway, reasoning that everyone eventually faces death.
Bottomley’s empathy stemmed from shared trauma. She felt a deep connection to Smith’s own history of childhood abuse, noting that his painful past “resonated” with her. Their bond was cemented when Smith’s son, who managed his finances, arranged for the wedding bands to be sent to her, underscoring the strange intimacy that can develop behind bars.
3 Sadomasochistic Passion
The twisted romance between Karla Homolka and Paul Bernardo illustrates how a shared love of sadomasochism can bind a couple to horrific deeds. They met at a pet convention when Homolka was 17 and Bernardo 23. Their marriage vows explicitly promised Homolka to “love, honor, and obey” Bernardo, framing their union as a “man and wife” partnership that emphasized his dominance.
Homolka took those vows to the extreme, assisting Bernardo in kidnapping, sexually assaulting, and murdering multiple victims, including her own younger sister. Their reign of terror ended in 1993, just before Bernardo was identified as the infamous Scarborough Rapist.
Following their convictions, Bernardo received a life sentence, while Homolka, after striking a plea deal and testifying against him, served a 12‑year term with parole eligibility after three years. She was released in 2005 and now lives under an assumed identity.
2 Low Self‑Esteem
Arthur Shawcross, a self‑described “unrepentant cannibal,” claimed his murderous urges were fueled by visions of his mother’s spirit and a thirteenth‑century cannibal named Ariemes. Despite his heinous crimes, his longtime sweetheart Clara Neal chose to marry him, even though he was already married to another woman.
Their ceremony took place in a prison visiting room, a modest affair that Neal described as “nice.” While she expressed love for Shawcross, she also hinted that her own low self‑esteem played a role in the decision, suggesting she felt “inferior” and needed to prove herself worthy of his affection.
Neal’s comments reveal a deep sense of inadequacy: she confessed it took her a decade to “make the grade” and feel qualified to become his fiancée. This prolonged self‑evaluation underscores how a diminished self‑image can drive a woman toward a relationship with a dangerous man.
1 Partnership, Sex, Power, and the Need to Please
Perhaps the most chilling example of a murderous partnership is the duo of David and Catherine Birnie. According to Dirk C. Gibson’s Serial Killers Around the World, the pair reconnected in 1985 after a childhood friendship, with Catherine abandoning her husband and six children to take David’s surname.
The Birnies embarked on a spree of abduction, kidnapping, rape, prolonged sexual assault, and murder. Their crimes were driven largely by David’s sexual urges and his desire to dominate Catherine, who became entirely dependent on him, even attempting (unsuccessfully) a safe‑cracking venture together.
Gibson notes that psychologists see David’s motive as primarily sexual, with an added thirst for power, while Catherine’s lawyer argued that her driving force was simply a willingness to please David. Their twisted alliance illustrates how crime, romance, and a craving for control can fuse into a deadly partnership.