The ancient Greeks had a word – katapepaiderastekenai – which roughly translates as ‘to squander your entire estate through hopeless devotion to young boys’. That’s right; the cradle of Western civilisation was basically one giant NAMBLA convention. But it wasn’t just the ancients: throughout history we’ve consistently proven ourselves to be total pervs at heart, no matter where or when we enter the world. I’m talking things like:
What These Things Prove
10 Pompeii
When archaeologists ripped open Pompeii they uncovered a literal smorgasbord of dicks. The walls flaunted Pan with a comically massive member, frescoes depicted vigorous penetration, and there was even a statue of a man copulating with a goat. These explicit scenes weren’t hidden graffiti; they saturated the city like a giant monument to erections. So graphic were the images that the architect who first uncovered the site in 1599 actually re‑buried it out of sheer embarrassment.
9 Victorian Era
Victorians wore their sternness on the outside, but behind closed doors they were a roiling stew of barely‑repressed lust. Prostitution, homosexual orgies, and rampant STDs thrived among the moneyed classes. Pornography churned out more obscenity in a day than modern imageboards manage in a week. Books like The Way of a Man With a Maid detailed violent bondage, rape, and forced incest, while Memoirs of a Young Rakehall delighted in descriptions of masturbation. Rumors even suggest Queen Victoria herself entertained a youthful lover in her later years. Appearances may have been prim, but the underbelly was as dirty as a Taiwanese sex club floor.
8 Elagabalus
The Roman emperor Elagabalus, despite his youth, turned the throne into a personal playground. He was a prolific cross‑dresser who spent more time in brothels than in governance, smashed through five wives, maintained a line of concubines, and—according to some tales—invented the whoopee cushion. His reign climaxed when he began prostituting himself within the Imperial Palace, an act that led to his assassination at age 18 on orders from his own grandmother.
7 Dionysian Festivals
Greek celebrations for Dionysus kicked off with a massive wooden cock being paraded through the streets. Participants then got plastered on wine, danced into frenzy, and unleashed orgies that ranged from wild animal‑sacrifice spectacles with wooden dildos to simple al‑fresco lovemaking. These rites proved that ancient revelry was as much about sexual excess as it was about divine worship.
6 Marquis De Sade
De Sade led the libertine movement, where pleasure reigned supreme. He abducted, imprisoned, and tortured women, sexually abused servants, poisoned people on whims, and once turned a high‑society gathering into a deranged orgy thanks to the aphrodisiac Spanish fly. No one was safe—men, women, children, even nuns fell victim. His excesses earned him imprisonment under Louis XVI, a brief release during the Revolution, and a final lock‑up by Napoleon.
5 Empress Wu Zetian
Chinese emperors were expected to maintain massive harems—around 3,000 concubines each—who had to be serviced regularly. Secretaries coordinated the schedule so the emperor could still “rule” and indulge in sodomy. Emperor Wen of Sui caused a scandal by taking only two concubines, yet his daily schedule was still twice as busy as yours. Empress Wu Zetian pushed gender equality further, maintaining her own harem of nubile young boys.
4 Caligula
Long before modern rappers bragged about debauchery, Caligula turned his palace into a brothel, sold his sisters to other men, slept with anything that had a pulse, threw innocent spectators to lions, and even tried to make his horse a senator. He later declared himself a god and erected statues for public worship. His reign of madness ended when the Senate assassinated him—perhaps at the urging of his backstabbing horse.
3 Brethren of the Free Spirit
The Brethren of the Free Spirit, an offshoot of Christianity, believed direct communion with God required energetic boning. Their ceremonies were conducted nude, sex was actively encouraged, and prayer was achieved through orgy. Popular from the 11th to 15th centuries, the Church deemed them a genuine threat and executed anyone suspected of involvement—sometimes even a random boner could summon the Inquisition.
2 Etruscan Civilization
The Etruscans loved sex so openly that Greeks and Romans were embarrassed. Their surviving frescoes depict sodomy, copulation, flagellation, and pederasty performed in plain view. Reports even describe sex parties where children were invited to join. Etruscan women enjoyed unprecedented freedom, sleeping with whomever they pleased without repercussion—something that scandalized the ancients beyond measure.
1 Stone Age Sex
If you need proof that humanity is inherently perverse, look to our Stone Age ancestors. Cave paintings across the globe depict crude sex scenes, some even showing bestiality. Evidence suggests dildos were in use around 26,000 BC. Scientists agree early humans regularly mated with Neanderthals—and may have even enslaved them for sexual purposes. In short, we descended from a tribe of prehistoric pornographers busy playing with sex toys before inventing the wheel.