Over the past few months, we’ve been granted unprecedented access to the inner workings of the CIA, uncovering 10 CIA documents that reveal their surprisingly lame side. Thirteen million declassified files have been uploaded to a searchable archive, and WikiLeaks has also dumped a massive trove of confidential material, giving us a front‑row seat to the agency’s less‑glamorous moments.
While many of the papers expose shadowy plots and ethically dubious experiments, a handful of files are delightfully ordinary, showing that the world’s most secretive organization is often just as quirky, clueless, and human as the rest of us. Below, we walk through each of those ten eye‑opening (and occasionally cringeworthy) documents.
10 The CIA’s Hacking Team Are Nerds
When WikiLeaks threw open the CIA’s clandestine hacking program, the entire searchable database of their software tools went public. What the leak exposed wasn’t a sleek, ultra‑professional operation, but a crew of unabashed geeks who peppered their codebase with pop‑culture jokes and meme‑filled JPEGs.
One utility borrowed its name from a World of Warcraft trading card, while another, christened after the philosophizing raptor meme, came with a picture asking, “If the zombie apocalypse happens in Vegas, would it stay in Vegas?” The roster also featured a tool named after Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights, which allegedly worked hand‑in‑hand with a program called Cal. The developer proudly noted, “Cal is RickyBobby’s best friend,” and tossed in the baffling phrase “SHAKE N BAKE!” for good measure.
A separate document listed a collection of “awesome tool names” the coder hoped to use someday because they sounded cool. Suggestions ranged from “Awesome McToolname” to “Starving Weasel,” the latter being a nod to a Weird Al song. A colleague chimed in, confirming the reference and likening the moniker to a “pretty killer punk band.”
10 CIA Documents Highlight Nerdy Hacking Team
9 The CIA’s Guide On How To Identify A Homosexual
Back in 1980, the CIA produced a manual that attempted to teach agents how to detect homosexuals within the workforce. The tone is startlingly earnest, treating the task as a high‑stakes investigative challenge.
The guide warns that “there are few, if any, types of personnel investigation which are more complex than the investigation of homosexuals.” It stresses that spotting a gay individual “demands the full range of investigative techniques.”
Ironically, the authors caution against relying on visual cues, noting that “very few employees come to work wearing eye makeup.” Yet they also claim that gay men tend to drive foreign‑made cars and often enter “front marriages” with lesbians to conceal their private lives, which they describe as “activities disgusting beyond the wildest imagination.”
Perhaps the most baffling recommendation is the reliance on “gay passwords.” The memo asserts that only homosexuals know the words “gay,” “straight,” and “bi.” Therefore, if a prospective operative recognizes these terms when asked, the agency believes it has caught a gay individual red‑handed.
10 CIA Documents Detail Outdated Homosexual Detection
8 Uri Geller And The Stargate Program
In the 1970s, Israeli illusionist Uri Geller rose to fame by allegedly bending spoons with his mind. While many viewers were convinced of his psychic powers, Johnny Carson later exposed Geller as a charlatan on national television.
Before his infamous Tonight Show appearance, Geller was approached by the CIA, which hired him as a “psychic warrior.” The agency poured millions of dollars into experiments designed to test his alleged abilities. In a controlled setting, Geller was shown a series of drawings and asked to reproduce them from memory.Surprisingly, Geller’s reconstructions were remarkably accurate, leading CIA analysts to conclude that he had “demonstrated his paranormal perceptual ability in a convincing and unambiguous manner.”
Geller later claimed that the CIA paid him to erase Russian floppy disks with his mind and even considered using him to stop a human heart or trigger a nuclear detonation. Whether any of those projects ever moved beyond the brainstorming stage remains a mystery.
10 CIA Documents Reference Psychic Spy Program
7 Your Awful Coworkers May Be CIA Saboteurs
During World War II, the CIA released a pamphlet titled “Simple Sabotage,” which outlined a step‑by‑step plan to undermine the Nazi war effort from within. While the premise sounds like a Hollywood thriller, the actual advice reads more like a guide to being a terrible employee.
For rank‑and‑file workers, the manual suggests tactics such as “using a very rapid stroke will wear out a file before its time” and “when you go to the lavatory, take as much time as you can.” Managers receive counsel to “talk as frequently as possible and at great length, illustrating points with long anecdotes and personal stories.”
The document even advises saboteurs to “haggle over precise wordings of communications, minutes, [and] resolutions” whenever possible, effectively turning bureaucratic red‑tape into a weapon. In short, many of the tips read like the behavior of an irritating coworker rather than a covert operative.
One particularly telling recommendation is simply: “Act stupid.” The authors seem to suggest that deliberate incompetence can be a powerful form of sabotage.
10 CIA Documents Reveal Office‑Sabotage Tactics
6 CIA Performance Reviews Are Ridiculous
A handful of declassified CIA employee performance reviews have surfaced, showcasing some of the most bizarre appraisal language on the planet. The comments range from lukewarm to hyperbolic, painting a picture of an agency that takes its internal feedback very seriously—sometimes a little too seriously.
One reviewer wrote, “Subject manages to break even,” while another praised an agent for “conducting a three‑hour conversation in a language he had never spoken before.” Some notes highlight “tremendous hours of uncompensated overtime,” suggesting that agents routinely work beyond the call of duty.
Other entries are downright puzzling. One agent received the note, “She does not flap,” a phrase that leaves most readers scratching their heads. The most flattering accolade, however, reads, “When he stubbed his toe, he recovered with grace,” implying that even minor mishaps are worthy of commendation.
10 CIA Documents Showcase Odd Performance Feedback
5 The CIA Gets Mad At Comedians Who Make Fun Of Them
In a top‑secret CIA meeting in 1968, Director Richard Helms expressed irritation over comedian Mort Sahl’s jokes about the agency on The Merv Griffin Show. The minutes note, “The Director noted that Mort Sahl apparently railed against the Agency… and asked Goodwin to obtain a transcript.”
Following the meeting, the CIA began cataloguing every newspaper clipping that mentioned Sahl, tracking each instance where he poked fun at the organization. One particularly eerie document appears to have a hand‑drawn scratch over Sahl’s eyes, hinting at an obsessive surveillance effort.Another file shows an agent furiously underlining the word “beatnik” beneath a photo of Sahl, suggesting a personal vendetta against the comedian’s counter‑cultural image.
These records reveal that even a light‑hearted satirist could trigger a full‑blown internal response, underscoring the agency’s sensitivity to public perception.
10 CIA Documents Detail Comedy‑Induced Panic
4 Working With Drug Addicts
The CIA’s involvement with LSD is well‑documented, but fewer know about its interactions with the psychedelic evangelist Alfred Matthew Hubbard, often dubbed the “Johnny Appleseed of LSD.” For years, rumors swirled that Hubbard had been in contact with the agency.
Declassified correspondence finally confirms that Hubbard wrote to the CIA, expressing a desire to join their psychic‑research efforts. The agency’s reply was candid: “Quite frankly, we are somewhat confused.” The letter explains that Hubbard’s rambling about psychics and power left the officials baffled.
Hubbard eventually enlisted a friend to write on his behalf. The friend admitted he, too, struggled to grasp Hubbard’s creative process, stating, “His creative process is such that I’m not sure he knows what he would produce.”
Despite the confusion, the CIA appears to have entertained Hubbard’s request. Since Hubbard was not seeking payment—only legal permission to experiment with LSD—the agency may have seen little downside in granting him clearance, even if his motives were unconventional.
10 CIA Documents Reveal LSD Collaborations
3 Keeping Track Of Their Coolest Parties
The CIA’s searchable archive contains countless newspaper clippings, many of which seem to be saved simply because the agency’s name appears alongside a celebrity’s. In several instances, a diligent employee underlined the director’s name when it was listed as a “celebrity” next to icons like Mick Jagger and Donald Trump.
One heavily annotated article, titled “CIA Chief A Cool, Cool Master Spy,” blends references to secret programs such as the U‑2 project with a focus on the director’s social engagements. Rather than safeguarding classified material, the annotator highlighted words like “spectacular achievement,” “triumphs,” and “greatest accomplishments,” suggesting an admiration for the director’s public persona.
These markings hint that, beyond espionage, the agency also kept tabs on its own social cachet, perhaps to boost morale or simply to record moments of personal prestige.
10 CIA Documents Show Party‑Tracking Obsessions
2 Making Jokes About Soviets
One declassified memo contains a short list of jokes that were slated for the deputy director’s inbox. While the tone suggests a light‑hearted attempt to poke fun at the Soviet Union, the content reads like a collection of tongue‑in‑cheek one‑liners.
Examples include an American proclaiming, “To hell with Ronald Reagan,” in front of the White House, only to have a Russian reply, “That’s nothing. I can do the same in front of the Kremlin.” Another gag describes a man in a liquor line declaring, “I’m going to shoot Gorbachev,” only to find the line for his target even longer than his own.
A third joke plays on a grocery store scenario where a customer asks for meat, only to be told the store has no fish, and the neighboring shop has no meat, creating a circular punchline.
These jokes reveal a surprisingly whimsical side of the agency, where even senior officials occasionally indulged in a little humor about Cold‑War rivals.
10 CIA Documents Contain Cold‑War Humor
1 Trying To Find UFOs
One of the most headline‑grabbing revelations from the declassification effort is that the CIA has been quietly investigating unidentified flying objects for decades. The agency’s files include meeting minutes, photo collections, and analytical reports aimed at determining whether extraterrestrials have ever visited Earth.
Despite the sensational nature of the subject, the documents show that CIA analysts approached the UFO phenomenon with textbook skepticism. They cataloged sightings, compared images to known aircraft, and produced guides to assess the credibility of each report.
While a few agents appeared open to the possibility of alien life, the majority concluded that the evidence was inconclusive at best. The agency’s stance mirrors that of many mainstream scientists: curiosity tempered by rigorous demand for proof.
In short, the CIA’s UFO files are less about secret cover‑ups and more about methodical investigation—though the very existence of the files continues to fuel speculation among conspiracy enthusiasts.
10 CIA Documents Examine UFO Phenomena
These ten declassified files paint a portrait of an agency that, despite its reputation for clandestine might, is also capable of being delightfully mundane, absurdly nerdy, and occasionally outright goofy. From meme‑filled hacking tools to earnest (and now outdated) attempts at spotting gay men, the CIA proves that even the world’s most secretive organization has its share of laugh‑able moments.